One-Two

So is your March 31 weather the opposite of what it was on March 1? You know, the whole "lion/lamb" weather proverb? Ours is actually even nicer than it was on March 1, and March 1 was pretty nice, indeed.

I have some friends who gave up their cable television and now watch a *whole lot* of YouTube. So this is for them, because they also have two children.

Classic cartoons online. Free.

And before you offer, yes. They know about Hulu.

+++

It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert.

I'd get down on my knees and get into a fighting stance, like a boxer, and start shadowboxing with him. Jabbing with alternating fists, I'd say "one-two, one-two" and he would imitate me. We'd do this over and over again.

I never thought about the consequences of this little game until my wife came home one day from a birthday party to which Robert had been invited. She was a little peeved.

Turns out that the birthday boy's mother had been handing out noisemakers when she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one, too?"

It took my wife the rest of the party to explain her way out of what happened next.

["Life in These United States" from Reader's Digest via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]

+++

WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Why is there boxing at the Goodwill Games?

+++

Mark's Musings throws a punch at an RSS Feed, uppercuts a Facebook Note, TKO's the Amazon Kindle, and goes to its corner via e-mail each weekday. Watch your own subscription flow into your Inbox each weekday by clicking here.

Still More Book Titles

All righty then, I'm not sure why they're called Tank Books, and I'm not entirely sure I like the concept, but they are unique and attention-grabbing.

Maybe someone could pick up a little second-hand literacy.

+++

MORE BOOKS AND AUTHORS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

How to Prevent Animal Poisoning, by Ann Thrax.

Droopy Drawers, by Lucy Lastic.

Irish Flooring, by Lynn O'Leum.

Do-It-Yourself Housing, by Bill Jerome.

Holmes Does It Again, by Scott Linyard.

The Most Famous Works of Leo Tolstoy, by Warren Peace.

French Cooking, by Sue Flay.

Wind in the Willows, by Russell N. Gleaves.

Springtime! by Theresa Green.

[with thanks to Monday Fodder via Wit and Wisdom]

+++

WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television." (Andrew Ross)

+++

Mark's Musings can be read with an RSS Feed, over at Facebook on a Note, and via Amazon Kindle. Or by e-mail each weekday. You can be reading your own subscription by clicking here.

Umbrella Thief

So my ergonomic keyboard bit the dust a couple of months ago and since I switched back to a regular keyboard, I've noticed my carpal tunnel is acting up even more. In fact, it's getting very bad and I suspect it might have come to the point where I'm going to need surgery soon.

But one thing I did yesterday was purchase a new ergonomic keyboard. That's it to the left, there. Wow, has it got the bells and whistles. It makes me feel like I now need to be a licensed PC operator before I sit down at my computer.

But enough about me, let's get to your daily link. A big thanks and a tip o'the Mark's Musings cap to list member Lavonne T., for today's tip.

Check this site right before you leave the house each morning. It's quick and helpful.

+++

Once there was a frugal man who owned quite a number of umbrellas, but they all seemed to have one thing or another wrong with them. So one day he gathered them all up - eight in all - and reluctantly took them in to a shop for repair.

The next morning as he was getting off his subway car, he absentmindedly picked up the umbrella laying on the seat next to him, as he was used to taking his umbrella everywhere he traveled.

The woman who owned the umbrella, however, startled him to no end when she shouted, "Hey! Stop, thief! That's *my* umbrella!!" The man, red-faced with embarrassment, quickly returned the umbrella and mumbled his apologies.

That same day the repair shop called, and reported that his umbrellas had all been repaired. The man picked them up that afternoon, but when he boarded the subway car that evening, to his horror he found himself staring into the face of the woman from his morning mishap.

She glared at him for a moment, then said loudly and sarcastically, "Had a good day, didn't you?"

[Good, Clean Funnies List via Andychap's The_Funnies]

+++

WORD for YOUR WEEK: The Latin word bonacia means "good sea" or "calm sea." In Spain, that turned into the word bonanza, which they also used to mean fair weather, prosperity, or success. Now it generally refers to an unexpectedly great supply of something good. We have focused in on the prosperity aspect. As in, "For frugal shoppers, Mark's Market offers a bonanza of cheap goods."

+++

When it rains, it pours these words on an RSS Feed, sprinkles on a Facebook Note, storms an Amazon Kindle, and gently falls into your Inbox via e-mail each weekday. Get a subscription to Mark's Musings with a simple click here.

Best.Seatbelt.Commercial.Ever.

This is why you should always wear your seatbelt.

Embrace life.

As always, Facebook readers must click "View Original Post" to see the video clip.

More Pratchett

I realized while thumbing through the entries on my Kindle today that I had bookmarked several passages from Terry Pratchett's latest Discworld offering, called "Unseen Academicals." Hope you enjoy the way he uses the language.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

MORE WIT AND WISDOM OF TERRY PRATCHETT

"There is a phrase 'neither flesh nor fowl nor good red herring.' This thing was all of them, plus some other bits of beasts unknown to science or nightmare or even kebab."

"Smeems handled this quite well in the circumstances, which included being so deeply at sea with that sentence that barnacles would be attracted to his underwear."

"She wasn't ugly. She might be called homely, perhaps, but it was quite a nice home, clean and decent and with roses round the door and a welcome on the mat and an apple pie in the oven."

"And sometimes she baked him a banana pie, which was a kind act. The Librarian was not very familiar with love, which had always struck him as a bit ethereal and soppy, but kindness, on the other hand, was practical. You knew where you were with kindness, especially if you were holding a pie it had just given you."

"The unofficial motto of the Lady Sybil Free Hospital was 'Not Everybody Dies.' "

"It has been said that crowds are stupid, but mostly they are simply confused, since as an eyewitness the average person is as reliable as a meringue lifejacket."

" 'Well said, miss,' he chuckled, as Glenda waited for the floor to open and swallow her. 'And I'm sure that remark came from the heart, because I suspect it could not have come from the head.' "

"She approached the door with the apprehension of one who is certain that the moment she sets foot inside she will be charged five dollars a minute for breathing and then be held upside down and have all her wealth removed with a hook."

"The truth of the matter was that Juliet would look good in a sack. Somehow, everything she wore fit perfectly. Glenda, on the other hand, never found anything good in her size and indeed seldom found anything in her size. In theory, something should fit, but all she ever found was facts, which are so unbecoming."

"But, it was a funny thing: every day something happened that was important enough to be on the front page of the newspaper. She'd never bought it and seen a little sign that said 'Not much happened yesterday, sorry about that.' And tomorrow, wonderful though that picture was, it would be wrapping up fish and chips and everyone would have forgotten about it."

" 'Hmmm,' said Ponder. And it was quite a solid hmmm, possibly one you could moor a small boat to."

[selected from Unseen Academicals, written by Terry Pratchett]

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hey, I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WEB SITE of the WEEK: Okay, I got nuthin'. It's very late on a Friday, most of you won't get this until Saturday. Arrrgh. Sorry. I will say to watch for a special announcement on Monday, April 5.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. (Yawn). You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. Credits rule, credit taker-offers drool. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. (Double yawn).

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so." (Lord Chesterfield)

Horse Politics

Just the joke today.

+++

SIGNS THE GOVERNMENT IS NOW BEING RUN BY HORSES

Unbridled spending.

Campaign slogans always promise a more stable government.

Getting out of jury duty now involves at least a gross of sugar lumps.

Nothing ever accomplished at City Council meetings. The "Ayes" are always outnumbered by the neighs.

The first Saturday in May is declared a national holiday.

Whips have been outlawed.

City sidewalks have been replaced by soft, mulch-covered trails.

Shoe-throwing incidents can be downright lethal.

Lots more candidates running for mare.

"Break a leg" is now considered hate speech.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Pets]

+++

WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." (Psalm 20:7)

+++

This blog is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday. Let Mark's Musings hoof it into your Inbox by clicking here.

Crossword Clue

I'm probably biased, but my father is remarkable.

He is one of those people who can, quite literally, do just about anything he sets his mind to. He's artistic, he's a published poet, an ordained lay minister, and he's extremely good with his hands and tools, creating many handy gadgets and home aids from scratch with just wood, nails, glue, and a bit of ingenuity.

So he'll probably appreciate this.

50 years of Popular Science magazine. Online. For free.

+++

Sitting in a hospital waiting room, I watched a woman and her son. They were working a crossword puzzle together.

"Mom?" the boy asked, pointing to the puzzle. "What fits here?"

"It's man's best friend," Mom hinted, helpfully.

The boy thought a moment, then guessed, "Duct tape?"

["Life in These United States" from Reader's Digest Online]

+++

WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Why are they called monkey wrenches? Do monkeys use them, too?

+++

Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday. Tape your own subscription to your Inbox by clicking here.

Proposal

The last time I wrote about this, several of my readers - including a subscriber who runs his own prominent ezine list - unsubbed faster than you can say, "Do you smell that?"

So please know that I certainly don't mean to offend anyone and that I approach this subject with the utmost sensitivity and consideration. But the fact remains, as much as some of us find this topic distasteful, a byproduct of our nutritional lives is a buildup of gases, which must be released from our body at one end or the other.

Which brings us to Francis Bibbo, a science teacher who routinely wore a military chemical suit while hunting to keep those odors to himself and not alert any unsuspecting wildlife to his presence.

He then stumbled onto the idea that perhaps there were other uses for this garment technology, and proceeded to invent what he calls "The Better Marriage Blanket."

I will let Mr. Bibbo do the rest of the offending. But let me just say ... if this is a problem in your marriage, you've got bigger problems than this.

+++

Politician and orator William Jennings Bryan tells the story of the day he proposed to his wife.

He went to the father of his prospective bride to ask for her hand in marriage. He was determined to impress the man by quoting Scripture. He chose Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord."

Bryan quickly became unnerved, however, when the father quoted Scripture back to him: "So then, he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Ever the quick thinker and never at a loss for words, Bryan retorted, "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore I believe Solomon to be the better judge of marriage."

He got his girl.

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

+++

WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "If you made a list of of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, they would be much the same list." (Mignon McLaughlin, paraphrased)

+++

Mark's Musings walks the aisle on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday. Wed your Inbox and my post with your own subscription by clicking here.

What A Deal

Did you ever want the taste of chocolate but hated yourself for ingesting all those calories?

Or perhaps you love the taste of coffee and enjoy the caffeine kick but hate those extra trips to the bathroom?

Now you can have both with just a quick intake of breath. A Harvard University professor of biomedical engineering has designed a lipstick-sized inhaler containing the taste of chocolate or coffee. It's called "Le Whif."

And you thought I was kidding.

+++

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking along the side of the road. As her trip promised to be a long and quiet one, with many miles to go before she reached her destination, Sally pulled over and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman climbed into the passenger seat.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make conversation with the Navajo woman. No matter what Sally said, though, the old woman just sat silently, watching out the window, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every minute detail.

Finally, the woman's eyes alighted upon a white bag that Sally had perched directly in front of the vehicle's air conditioning unit. Intrigued by the package's intentional positioning, she broke her silence. "What in bag?" she asked.

Sally looked down to see the woman pointing toward the bag and said, "Oh, it's a box of chocolates. I got them for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment longer. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[seen many places, but first in Wit and Wisdom]

+++

WORD for YOUR WEEK: The word "chocolate" goes all the way back to the Aztecs and appears to actually have begun life as a flavored liquid. The Nahuatl words xococ - meaning "bitter" - and atl - meaning "water" - combined to make the word xocolatl, which became jocolatte when brought to Spain in the 1500s and became a favorite of coffeehouses in later years.

+++

Available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, or e-mail each weekday, get your own scrumptious subscription to Mark's Musings with a simple click here.

Say Cheese

Oh. My. Gosh.

That's a big camera.

Birthday Stories

It's my wife's birthday. Let the revelry begin!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

BIRTHDAY STORIES

Edward Karrman, the insurance company president, was celebrating his 60th birthday one year. He was traveling to a distant city at the time. His friends surprised him at the hotel with two bottles of champagne and a chocolate cake.

Inside the box was this note from the hotel concierge: "We do apologize, sir. We were unable to locate any candles for your cake."

Also inside the box, however, was a 60-watt light bulb.

+++

Yesterday was my 44th birthday. I wasn't supposed to have made it this far. I wasn't very safety-minded when I was younger ... didn't use my head much ... and I was lucky to live past the age of 25, frankly.

But yesterday I put on double-fours. My wife asked me, "It's your special day. What do you want to do?"

I replied, "Hmm, let's think--"

"No, no," she interrupted, "it's your birthday. It should be something *you* can do, too."

+++

Junior was one of those "holy terrors" as a child. His father was surprised when one year his mother suggested they buy him a bicycle for his birthday.

"Do you really think a bike will help improve his behavior?" father asked.

"Well, no," his mother admitted, "but it will spread it over a wider area."

[Wit and Wisdom, Laughter for a Saturday, Ladyhawke's Weekly Jokes]

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

We actually had to celebrate my wife's birthday dinner yesterday, as tonight my band loads in for a gig at an all-day men's conference tomorrow. And then I lead the worship band on Sunday morning at church, so another busy weekend for yours truly.

But, as always, I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WEB SITE of the WEEK: Find out the origins of four very popular community service organizations at the Mental Floss blog: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/49577. I learned a few things, perhaps you will, too.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. I apologize if you're a list owner and you've reprinted these jokes but I didn't give you credit; I credited the first list I read them in, and my joke archive folders go back to 2004. That's how I try to make sure I don't send anything that's currently going around the Web. You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits don't get older, they just get sweeter. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. Erg. I can't stop sneezing this morning.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but can never recall her age." (Robert Frost)

Barbie Origin

Raise your hand if you watch the American Movie Channel's "Mad Men" show.

Raise the other hand if you're a fan of Mattel's Barbie Doll series.

Now raise your wallet and you can be a fan of both.

+++

THE ORIGIN OF THE BARBIE DOLL

Ruth Handler was the woman principally responsible for creating Barbie. She noticed that her daughter liked to assign adult roles to her baby dolls when she played with them. At the time (mid-to-late-1950s), the only dolls sold looked like babies and only paper dolls were drawn like adults.

Ruth's husband - Elliott - had co-founded the Mattel Toy Company and Ruth suggested to him that they begin manufacturing dolls made in adult images, but Elliott thought they would be a failure.

Then, on a fateful trip to Germany in 1956, Ruth found exactly what she had been looking for ... a doll based on an adult person. It was the "Lilli" doll. She was so excited she purchased three. What Ruth didn't know was that the "Lilli" doll had been based on a character in a European cartoon, and that in that cartoon she was a prostitute.

Nevertheless, when she returned home and showed her husband proof that an adult doll was marketable, Mattel changed the design of the doll, named it Barbie - after Ruth's daughter, Barbara - and debuted the doll in January of 1959.

Since then, over one billion Barbie dolls have been sold.

The doll's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

[researched and paraphrased from The Writer's Almanac and Wikipedia]

+++

WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." (Isaiah 44:22)

+++

Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note (eventually), and the Amazon Kindle, not to mention via e-mail each weekday. Get your own subscription without even touching your wallet by clicking here.

Irish Groaners

Faith and Begorrah! 'Tis Saint Patty's Day, don'tcha know!

And the folks at Family Fun can show you how to make Irish crafts and fun foods for the kiddies.

+++

Saint Patrick's Day Groaners

Why do people wear shamrocks on Saint Patrick's Day?
Because real rocks are too heavy.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short!

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

How can you tell the Irish are having a good time?
They're Dublin over with laughter!

"I married an Irishman."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

[selected from Mikey's Funnies]

+++

WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Are leprechauns always so angry because they're short-tempered?

+++

Mark's Musings is sent via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday. Bring some luck to your Inbox with a subscription. Click here.

Bad Furnace Guy

I arrived home from work yesterday to the smell of smoke in the house. Never a good thing.

Turns out our furnace had decided to go out. Way out. In fact, it went out so far it's not coming back. And that's really unfortunate timing, because it's tough to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day when your skin is slightly blue.

Ah well, there goes the summer vacation money.

+++

SIGNS YOU MIGHT HAVE CALLED THE WRONG FURNACE REPAIR GUY

He smells like smoke. And your his first stop of the day.

He uses a bright flashlight and a really big magnifying glass to try and re-light your furnace.

The instruction manual he leaves for the furnace he just installed only has two instructions:
1. Light furnace.
2. Run away.

He opens his toolbox and the only things you see are a roll of duct tape, some tinfoil, and a crucifix.

Estimates his bill with a set of Yahtzee^TM dice.

You notice his furnace filters all say "Mr. Coffee" on them.

When the firemen arrive, they all say his name in unison.

[selected from a list written by Dave Tippett; circa 2006. Edits by Mark Raymond]

+++

WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keeps you there." (Ellie Rodriguez)

+++

Mark's Musings ignites an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and e-mail each weekday. Warm up your Inbox with your own subscription by clicking here.

Chopsticks

Apparently, many fast food restaurants will make things for you that are not on the menus displayed for the public. Find a list of about two dozen here, courtesy of the Coupon Sherpa.

+++

So my parents were dining out in a Chinese restaurant one evening with some friends from church and my Dad was showing off his prowess with using chopsticks.

First he picked up a small piece of beef. Then he picked up a slice of carrot. Then a snow pea, and finally he demonstrated his skill by picking up one grain of rice.

Turning to the others at the table, he asked if there was anything else they would like to see him pick up.

"Yes," my Dad's best friend says, "the check."

[as seen in Da Mouse Tracks]

+++

WORD for YOUR WEEK: Today seems like a good time to talk about the word gaudy. It describes something that is extravagantly showy, or dazzlingly ornamental with a decided lack of good taste. It's another one of those words for which no one can pin down a certain origin, but the best guess is that it originated from the obsolete English word "gaud," which referred to a showy bauble, trinket, or fancy ornament. Interestingly enough, the root of that word also gives us the word "joy."

+++

This blog can be taken out on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, an Amazon Kindle, or e-mail each weekday. Fill your Inbox with joy; get a subscription to Mark's Musings with a simple click here.

Einstein's Advice

That Einstein fellow, he knew a thing or two.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

10 LIFE LESSONS from ALBERT EINSTEIN

1. Follow your curiosity.
"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious."

2. Perseverance is priceless.
"It's not that I'm so smart; it's just that I stay with problems longer."

3. Focus on the present.
"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

4. The imagination is powerful.
"Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge."

5. Make mistakes.
"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

6. Live in the moment.
"I never think of the future ... it comes soon enough."

7. Create value.
"Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."

8. Don't do the same thing and expect different results.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

9. Knowledge comes from experience.
"Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience."

10. Be better at the game.
"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else."

[by Mr. Self Development via Dumb Little Man blog; all quotations from Albert Einstein; tiny little editing tweaks by MR]

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Tomorrow I have a band gig, a union meeting, and a baby shower. All at the same time. I really wish they'd get that instant transporter technology perfected.

(sigh) I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WEB SITE of the WEEK: What do you do when a family member borrows money and won't pay it back? What's a good answer for people who get too nosy about your personal life? How should you handle that rude person in the office? Find the time-honored advice of Emily Post and the folks working for the Emily Post Institute at http://www.etiquettedaily.com/. Also check out http://www.thegiftofgoodmanners.com/, a companion blog.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. I know it's hard to believe, but I am wrong on occasion. You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits never get grumpy about being left off the post, but I sure do. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. This post is magically delicious.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." (Ellen Parr)

Coffee 23

Pretty nice mosaic pictured above, eh? Well, at least if you're using HTML in your e-mail browser. Blog readers can see this picture (and three more below) just to the left. This was created at the "Aroma Festival at the Rocks" in Sydney, Australia.

It is, of course, the Mona Lisa. What makes this worthy of Mark's Musings is that it was made with 3,604 cups of coffee. Black, with cream (no mention of sugar), some latté, some with just milk and no coffee ... but, yeah, coffee.

Think I'll go make some.

+++

BOOK OF COFFEE
Chapter 23

Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.

It causeth me to wake from deep dreaming.

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for my day job's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no cat naps, for thou art in my thermos.

Thy cream and thy sugar, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of a barista.

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

[Syman Says via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday; edits and some rewrites by Mark Raymond]

+++

WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31)

+++

Mark's Musings is brewed up daily on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle, and e-mail. Drink up your own subscription by clicking here.

Anthony's Future

Erg. Busybusybusy.

Just the joke today.

+++

A young lady came home from a date, very sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" her mother asked.

"Anthony proposed to me this evening."

"Then why are you so sad?"

"Mom," said the daughter, "when I started talking about a church wedding, Anthony told me he was an atheist! He doesn't believe in either heaven OR hell!"

"Well," said the mother, wisely, "you go ahead with your plans anyway. Between the two of us, we'll prove him wrong."

[Joke Du Jour via The Good Clean Funnies List]

+++

WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Is it true that when they say it takes two to make a marriage, they're talking about a daughter and her mother?

+++

This blog is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle and e-mail each weekday. Mark's Musings. Your Inbox. A match made in heaven. Click here.

Census Groaner

My current job with the Postal Service involves gathering data on random samplings of mail; letters, large envelopes, packages of all shapes and sizes. Anything people mail, I'm going to see it, eventually.

So yeah, I see a lot of mail. Every day. In a different post office each day, but it pretty much all looks the same. And there's a lot of it.

Did I mention I see a lot of mail?

What I'm seeing an awful lot of these days are the questionnaires the U.S. Census Bureau is sending out. So you might as well find out what it's all about. There's actually a bunch of interesting stuff on that site.

+++

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE (Groaner Division)

A Census Taker appeared on a porch one afternoon and knocked on the door. When it was answered, he proceeded to introduce himself, explained how quick the process would be, and obtained permission to begin his brief interview.

Shortly he came to the question, "How many children do you have?"

The woman at the door replied, "Four."

"And may I have their names, please?"

"Let's see," she said, "there's little Edward - we call him Eenee - and Michael - he has a temper, so we call him Meanie - and our littlest one, Joshua - he's a bit possessive; we call him Mynee. Oh, and then there's Frank."

"Your children's names are Eenee, Meanie, Mynee, and Frank?"

"Yes, sir."

"May I ask why you nicknamed the last child Frank?"

"We didn't want any Moe."

[Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest; paraphrased]

+++

WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "The U.S. Census reports that statistically, Las Vegas is very similar to Washington, DC. The chief difference, of course, is that in Vegas you gamble with your own money." (Jay Leno)

+++

Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday. You can count on your own subscription by clicking here.

Hollywood Translator

Well, in case you missed any of the Academy's Awards - and just in case you care - here is everything you need to know about all things Oscar.

+++

HOLLYWOOD COMMON PHRASE TRANSLATOR

Says: "You can trust me."
Means: "You must be new."

Says: "It needs some polishing."
Means: "Change everything."

Says: "It shows some promise."
Means: "It stinks rotten."

Says: "Call my agent."
Means: "Don't talk to me."

Says: "I'd like some input."
Means: "I want total control."

Says: "It needs something."
Means: "Change everything."

Says: "Call me back next week."
Means: "Stay out of my life."

Says: "Try and punch it up."
Means: "I have no idea what I want."

Says: "You'll never work in this town again."
Means: "I have no power here whatsoever."

Says: "Maybe if you tried it with a dog as the lead."
Means: "Change everything."

[selected from caryn.com with edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

+++

WORD for YOUR WEEK: We saw the "Alice in Wonderland" film this past weekend and at one point when asked her name, Alice says, "Umm," trying not to give her real name away. The Red Queen immediately assumes that's her name ... which Alice encourages by quickly adding that she's from Umbridge (a scene, by the way, which I could not find in the book). Nevertheless, today I ran across the word "umbrage," and the sound of it was so strikingly similar I had to choose it. Umbrage originally referred to the shade provided by a tree (in Latin, "umbra" means shade or shadow ... it is the root of the word "umbrella") but eventually came to refer to the offense one takes at a particular comment. In fact, it means to be offended or annoyed arising from a perceived insult. My guess would be that a "shadow" fell across the listener's face and encouraged use of the word. Your example: "The Board of Education took umbrage with Mr. Illbody's comments at the meeting."

+++

This blog is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday. Get a subscription to Mark's Musings with a simple click here.

The Tesh

John Tesh came to some measure of fame as a talk show host covering entertainment news. Then he thought he'd try his hand at music. Turns out he can play the piano pretty well and discovered another measure of success. Then he decided to try putting his Christian faith into music and, you know, he's pretty good at that, too.

That faith is probably what allows him to take this all in stride and in good humor.



People of Facebook: You need to click "View Original Post" to see this quite funny video clip.

Heart Thoughts 1

And, sooner or later, on the heels of random thoughts comes a few from the heart.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

HEART THOUGHTS

Admit your mistakes before someone else exaggerates them.

When it comes to hard work, there are three kinds of people:
Those who turn their sleeves up.
Those who turn their noses up.
Those who won't turn up at all.

Nothing is ever really lost. It's just where it doesn't belong.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, but doing things as they ought to be done.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

There are no shortcuts to anyplace worth going.

A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which others assume there is fire.

Mankind is a living contradiction. We are great enough to split the atom, and small enough to split hairs.

Patriotism is not so much protecting the land of our fathers as it is preserving the land for our children.

See how the human body is connected? Pat a person on the back and watch their head swell.

If you're ready and willing, you will often be able.

Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.

[with thanks to Menards and list member Cliff R.]

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Well, I figured out yesterday that I have a non-work-related rehearsal, meeting, deadline, or event about every two to three days between now and the end of April, so if I don't get back to you right away on e-mail, please understand.

I will, however, see you on Monday.

Mark

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WEB SITE of the WEEK: Because everyone can use some help in this area - even yours truly - this week I'm picking http://www.grammarbook.com/. Jane Straus has authored this site and book, and while there are lots of things for sale, there a some good free things here, as well. Some basic English rules, as well as some free English quizzes, to see how much you know (and need to learn). There's also a link to her blog that has some interesting stuff.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. Someday, indeed. You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. This means you. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. Wind the frog!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." (Guillame Appollinaire)

Kid Money

It looks like the Government is finally facing up to reality with regard to the U.S. poverty line. A recent story on NPR reports that the Commerce Department - via the U.S. Census - is expanding what they look at when they consider poverty in America.

It's not just about money, though that's still the "official" guideline for aid and assistance.

+++

My wife decided that our 10-year old daughter should finally have her own savings account. Our daughter was thrilled, and they made the excursion to the bank happily.

"Since this is going to be your account, sweetie," said my wife, "I want you to fill out the paperwork." Again, our daughter was happy to take on this "adult" responsibility.

When it came to the blank on the form for "Name of Your Former Bank," our daughter thought for a moment, then penciled in, "Piggy."

===

Our precocious four-year old had reached the age where he thought he deserved an allowance. So he approached me after supper one evening and demanded one.

"And just what do you do around here that makes you think you deserve an allowance?" I asked him.

"Well, for one thing," he replied, "I keep your wife occupied all day."

[Clean Humor Digest]

+++

WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread." (Proverbs 30:8)

+++

Mark's Musings cashes itself in on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, takes an Amazon Kindle to the bank and pays off via e-mail each weekday. Your Inbox would be considerably richer if you subscribe by clicking here.

Invention

It seems that Microsoft is on the verge of moving us one step closer to integrating computers with people.

I can't decide if this is really cool or slightly horrific. Watch the video and decide for yourself (you'll need Windows Media Player).

+++

Talk about inventive. When a local church broke ground for a new 500-seat sanctuary, a creative church member made sure everyone could participate in the experience. The man attached a 145-foot handle to a stainless steel spade so that all 300 church members could squeeze shoulder-to-shoulder and turn the first shovelful of dirt.

A few days later, a curious construction worker spotted the odd invention and asked the pastor about it. The minister smiled and said, "We bury 'em deep here."

[Pulpit Supply via Wit and Wisdom]

+++

WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If you put a computer in a very cold room, would it get frost-byte?

+++

Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, or e-mail each weekday by clicking here.