R.I.P, Muhammad Ali

Cassius Marcellus Clay, Junior was born in January of 1942 in Louisville, Kentucky. He began training to become a professional boxer at age 12. At age 22, he defeated Sonny Liston in a stunning upset to become the world heavyweight champion. Shortly afterward, he joined the nation of Islam and changed his name to Muhammad Ali. He was convicted as a draft dodger in 1967, when he refused to enter the military as a conscript, citing his new religious beliefs. It took four years, but his case eventually went to the Supreme Court, where his conviction was overturned. 

He fathered nine children, won three heavyweight boxing titles, and won an Olympic Gold Medal for boxing in 1960. He nicknamed himself "The Greatest," and was not afraid to talk openly about being a black man in a white man's world as well as other racial and religious issues. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 1984 and he passed away in Arizona this past Friday, June 3. 

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THE WIT and WISDOM OF MUHAMMAD ALI

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."

R.I.P., Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert, the very first film critic to win a Pulitzer Prize, passed away yesterday. He had announced on Tuesday that he was taking a "leave of presence" as they had discovered his cancer had returned and he was going to undergo further chemotherapy. He died two days later.

I had always held a soft place in my heart for Roger, for he was the critic who came closest to my own feelings about movies. What he liked, I enjoyed; what he disliked, I generally wouldn't spend money on seeing.

How did I discover this? By using the WiseGeek website, where they have a database of critics and their reviews of movies. Here's how it works: They have a list of movies here, and you personally rate each movie you've seen. Then they compare your ratings of those movies with their database list and match you up with a movie critic who has also rated those movies similarly to your scores.

It's that easy.

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The WIT and WISDOM of ROGER EBERT

From his review of "The Brown Bunny": I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny.

"No good movie is too long and no bad movie is too short."

From his review of "Mad Dog Time": Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time ... [it] should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor. 

"If a movie is really working, you forget for two hours your Social Security Number and where your car is parked."

From his review of "Armageddon": Whatever they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out.

"Kindness covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out."

From his review of "Freddy Got Fingered": This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.

"Every great film should seem new every time you see it."

From his review of "Crocodile Dundee": I've seen audits that were more thrilling.

"Yes, I was fat, but I dealt with it by simply never thinking about it. It is useful, when you are fat, to have a lot of other things to think about."

From his review of "A Lot Like Love": To call A Lot Like Love dead in the water is an insult to water.

From his review of "The Last Airbender": The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.

From his review of "Seven Days In Utopia": I would rather eat a golf ball than see this movie again.

 In his last public statement, on his blog, he had reminisced about the beginning of his film criticism career, some 46 years earlier. He summarized by saying, "So on this day of reflection I say again, thank you for going on this journey with me. I'll see you at the movies." 

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Mark's Musings is published on a periodical basis - right now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - but that may change without notice. Find me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/markmusings. This blog is considered to be a digital periodical publication and is filed as such with the U.S. Library of Congress; ISSN 2154-9761. I understand that Gene Siskel is waiting, and has saved Roger a seat on the aisle.

An American Road Trip?

I have been on several fabulous vacations with my Dad in recent years. There was the cruise to Alaska, the long road trip - spent mostly in the car, frankly - to Nova Scotia and back, and our most recent jaunt to sunny Florida where, I think, we finally got it just right.

But now I will suggest another road trip for you, sparked by the news that this past Monday the Obama Administration declared five more sites in the good ol' U.S.A. national monuments. Go visit 'em all!

The list now sits at a total of 108. You can find them all and a bit of background from your friendly neighborhood Wikipedia here.

What a trip that would be, eh?

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SILLY ACTUAL ROAD SIGNS

"If you hit this sign, you will hit this bridge."

"Welcome to Reed City. If you lived here, you'd be home now."

"Extreme Fire Hazard. Don't Even Fart in the Forest Today."

At a gas station: "Regular - Arm; Mid•Grade - Leg; Premium - First Born"

On the road outside of Las Vegas: "Guns - Wedding Gowns - Cold Beer"

"Drive slow, see our village. Drive fast, see our judge."

--Roadandtravel.com

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"When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it."  (Yogi Berra)

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Mark's Musings is published on a periodical basis - right now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - but that may change without notice. Find me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/markmusings. This blog is considered to be a digital periodical publication and is filed as such with the U.S. Library of Congress; ISSN 2154-9761. Be careful when you hit the road. It's hard and often hits back.

Attitude Check

According to research too numerous, varied, and over my pay grade to mention, we all have two types of attitudes: the ones we are consciously aware of, and the ones in our subconscious that drive our feelings and choices without our actively realizing it.

An "international collaborative network of researchers" have come together to form Project Implicit, which is a standardized series of quick Internet tests designed to determine how you *really* feel about things, whether you're aware of it or not. That word, implicit, means "implied though not plainly expressed."

You can choose to be part of the study - click the "Participate" button at the link above - or you can choose to just take some demonstration tests here. It's backed by the folks at Harvard, Yale, and other prestigious institutions, it's on a secure server, and no personal information is collected, aside from your IP address.

There are all manner of subjects to choose from: what your conscious and subconscious attitudes are about race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, self-esteem, alcohol, and more.

The group says if you get a result that's widely different than what you expected, take the test again. There is a gentle learning curve, from what I can tell you of my own experience. And, the group is quick to point out, don't take the results too seriously ... unless you want to.

What you do with the results is, in the end, entirely up to you.

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A Congressman was once asked about his attitude and thoughts toward whiskey.

"If you mean," he replied, "the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, destroys family life, and inflames the unrighteous, then I'm dead set against it.

"If, however," he continued, "you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter's chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort crippled children, then I'm all for it!

"This is my position, and I will not compromise."

--jokebuddha.com

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"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude."  (Zig Ziglar)

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Mark's Musings is published on a periodical basis - right now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - but that may change without notice. Find me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/baldmark. This blog is considered to be a digital periodical publication and is filed as such with the U.S. Library of Congress; ISSN 2154-9761

I Charity You

At one time, the word charity meant love. For example, in 1 Corinthians 13 - the famous "love" chapter of the Bible, often quoted at weddings - the final line in the King James version reads:

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three: but the greatest of these is charity."

In the original Latin version of the Bible, the word translated as charity was used to describe God's love. Hence the King James' usage. The French, however, broadened the definition of charity to include mercy, compassion, alms, and benevolence for the poor. According to my word etymology resources, this meaning crept into English around the end of the seventeenth century. 

So for a little over 300 years charity has mostly meant giving aid to those less fortunate.

Anyone who has had their dinner interrupted by a telemarketing fundraiser phone call can surely attest to the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of charitable organizations out there - and all of them have called us at one time or another (or so it feels). How do you know which ones to trust?

That's where today's link comes in: check 'em out at Charity Navigator. The website has diligently logged, catalogued, and rated all **1.6 million** charities registered with the Internal Revenue Service. You can read about their methodology, their rating system, and search their immense database to find your favorite organization and see if they qualify for the site's four-star rating, which is the highest.

I particularly liked the "Tips for Savvy Donors" which, in fact, recommended you never give to a charity over the phone!

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A Red Cross volunteer and a lawyer died and went up to the heavenly gates. Saint Peter tells the volunteer to wait a little while, and lets the lawyer in first. As the gates close on the volunteer, she sees the lawyer greeted with much fanfare! Music erupts, cheers are heard, a choir of angels descend from above and sing a joyous hallelujah. Finally, the Lord Himself appears and gives a personal greeting and warm embrace to the lawyer.

Things eventually begin to die down, and the lawyer wanders off to enjoy his eternity in heaven. As the last angel floats away, Saint Peter grants entrance to the volunteer. But there is no music, no choir, no grand heavenly greeting.

Confused, the volunteer looks to Peter for an explanation. "Oh," says Saint Peter, "we get volunteers in here all the time. That was our first lawyer."

--DoSomething.org

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"Volunteering is the time without the crime. Community Service, on the other hand...."  (Anonymous)

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Mark's Musings is published on a periodical basis - right now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - but that may change without notice. Find me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/baldmark. This blog is considered to be a digital periodical publication and is filed as such with the U.S. Library of Congress; ISSN 2154-9761.

Dumb Telemarketer

My wife and I received a call this evening that had me wondering if we were still on the "Do Not Call" registry.

You know about that, right?

It's a free federal service run by the Federal Trade Commission that blocks most telemarketers from calling you. You can still be called by political parties, charities, and organizations conducting surveys, but calls trying to sell you stuff drop right off. And your registration is forever.

And yes, we're still on it.

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Our daughter stayed home one weekend while my wife and I went on a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary.

At some point while we were gone, the telephone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Telemarketer: "Hello, may I speak to Mr. Raymond?"

Daughter: "I'm sorry, but Mr. Raymond is out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary."

Telemarketer: "How nice for him! Well, then, may I speak to Mrs. Raymond?"

[retold from Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end." (Fred Couples)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

More Useless Inventions

Well, Mom made it through Easter, but her health continues to fail, slowly. Keep her and Dad in your kind thoughts and good prayers, as I know you will.

And then, just as Bonnie's aunt gets the surgery set up for her breast cancer, her husband (Bonnie's uncle-in-law) suffers a stroke!

So my dear wife is off again, looking after family, bless her heart. Should only be a few days this time ... but, you know, that's what we said last November and it turned into five weeks!

So, yeah ... just the joke today. Again.

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MORE USELESS INVENTIONS

Inflatable dartboard

Waterproof Towel

Powdered Water

Pedal-Powered Wheelchair

See-Through Toilet Paper

Connect-the-Dots Roadmap

[selected from Net 153's Sunday Funnies]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Everyone is ignorant on different subjects." (Will Rogers, with thanks to Molly Rhea's Quotes of the Day)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Good Friday, 2011

Posts have been spotty this week, I know. I was tabbed to produce our Good Friday evening service and have been focused on that.

Dad tells me Mom is even closer to slipping into the Afterlife, and it's Good Friday, so this may be a good time to contemplate our own mortality. Carolyn Arends, a Canadian singer-songwriter has some thoughts on the subject.

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A GOOD FRIDAY THOUGHT

For whatever reason God chose to make man as he is -- limited and suffering and subject to sorrows and death -- He had the honesty and the courage to take his own medicine. Whatever game He is playing with His creation, He has kept His own rules and played fair. He can exact nothing from man that He has not exacted from Himself. He has Himself gone through the whole of human experience, from the trivial irritations of family life and the cramping restrictions of hard work and lack of money to the worst horrors of pain and humiliation, defeat, despair and death. When He was a man, He played the man. He was born in poverty and died in disgrace and thought it well worthwhile.

[Dorothy Sayers, writing in "Creed or Chaos?" back in 1949, as quoted in Monday Fodder]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: And there's your winner for this week -- my cyber missionary friend, Dave Aufrance, publishes a weekly newsletter with all his ministry and missionary news from Hong Kong, then adds a healthy dollop of "Serious Fodder" and "Guffaw Fodder" along with some photos, then ties it all up in a bundle he calls Monday Fodder.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Weather Vane

Golly. A third of the season is just about gone, and we're still waiting for Spring. It *snowed* yesterday! Michigan (shakes head in bafflement). Guess we'll call it Wintring. In a couple of months we'll be having sprummer.

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Famous preacher C.H. Spurgeon told the story of a pastor who was out for a walk in the countryside when he stopped by a farmhouse for a drink of water. As he sipped from his glass, he struck up a conversation with the old farmer who lived there.

As they spoke, the pastor noticed that the farmer's barn had a weathervane on it that was spinning around in the wind, which was picking up. On the weathervane the words "God is Love" were engraved.

The pastor turned to the farmer and said, "I have to say I don't think that's a very good way to talk about God's love. Are you saying His love is wishy-washy and changes, depending on which way the wind blows?"

"Not at all," replied the farmer. "That weathervane is saying, 'No matter which way the wind blows, God is Love'."

[Sermon Central Weekly Newsletter via Wit and Wisdom]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Isn't it funny that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?" (Kelvin Throop III)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Tax Humor

My wife and I donned our spelunking gear and dove into the "Big Dig" today. That's where we comb through every lick of paper piled on my desk and in nearby piles (that's not a typo; some people have a filing system ... I have a piling system). We're on our annual tax documentation excursion.

By the way, you know that this year we have until April 18 to get those tax forms in, right? Apparently tomorrow is the Washington, DC celebration of "Emancipation Day" and all the federal offices there are closed, pushing the deadline to Monday.

Every January my wife looks me in the eye and says, "We will file early this year." And every year I reply, "Yes, dear."

And here we are again, knee deep in the paper cave as the deadline crawls near. (sigh)

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TAX HUMOR

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "Second Notice" that his taxes were overdue. He hurried down to his local IRS office and paid, saying apologetically that he must have missed the first notice. "Oh," replied the agent, "we don't send out first notices. We have much better luck if we start with the second notice."

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two groups: men and women.

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta." (Dave Barry)

The wages of sin are death, but by the time you take taxes out, it's just sort of a tired, run down feeling.

How do you know you've hired a good tax advisor? There's a loophole named after him or her.

"Worried about a tax audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in the bank after paying your taxes. That's a red flag." (Jay Leno)

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract ... teach him to deduct." (Fran Lebowitz)

[selected from taxhelpattorney.com]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" (Matthew 5:46)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Random Quotations

Gah! Where does the day go?

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RANDOM QUOTATIONS

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful." (Sophia Loren)

"If the world gets any smaller I'll end up living next door to myself." (Tom Robbins)

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

"When in doubt, do without." (Hofni Samuel)

"Disconnecting from change does not recapture the past. It loses the future." (Kathleen Norris)

"Life is too short for traffic." (Dan Bellack)

"For when the One Great Scorer comes
To write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost -
But how you played the game."
(Grantland Rice)

[with my thanks to The Quotations Page]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." (Hodding Carter Jr.)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Late Night Facebook

Well.

All the baseball drafts are done, the union pickets, photo ops and public meetings are done, and my end-of-quarter overtime at work is done. I hope. The money is nice, but so is having time to keep up with my personal hobbies - like this post.

At any rate, I'm back. I hope.

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What do you get when you merge one part household inventory software, one part possession lending tracker, one part eBay, and one part social network?

Why, Keepio, of course.

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WHAT THE LATE NIGHT FOLK SAY ABOUT FACEBOOK

"There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school." (Jimmy Fallon)

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. They say he has single-handedly change the way we waste time at work." (Jay Leno)

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." (Jimmy Kimmel)

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what Al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." (Conan O'Brien)

[selected from about.com]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: No word this week ... anything you'd like me to look up for you?

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Welcome Back Groaners

Oh my goodness, what a week.

As soon as the deadlines were done last week, I whisked my bride away on a secret surprise five-day trip to Chicago to celebrate her milestone birthday. We attended a taping of NPR's "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me," went to the Art Institute, the Sky Deck at Willis Tower, the Field Museum of Natural History, Navy Pier, walked a good chunk of "The Magnificent Mile," dined 95 stories above the city at the Hancock Building, took in Shedd Aquarium, and spent a fun-filled day with some of our best friends. And I have a new appreciation for Amtrak.

But now it's back to post and back to work tomorrow. I haven't said anything about it yet, but Japan will need our help for quite some time. Yahoo! is providing some decent resource links for us.

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SOME WELCOME BACK GROANERS

When my son was small, his teacher told him the human body was made up of mostly water. He couldn't go to the bathroom for almost a week!

"Melanie says I take everything too literally."
"What makes her say that?"
"Her brain and her mouth."

Did you hear about the cat burglars who broke into the theater that was running a popular Broadway play? They stole the props, the costumes, the scripts, the curtains, the lighting, even the makeup! Other thiefs gave them a standing ovation, because they really stole the show.

A farmer's son married the neighboring farmer's daughter. At the ceremony, instead of lighting a unity candle, they each poured a little cream from their respective dairies into the same bowl. You could say they were cream-mated.

After months of digging in Norway, the archeological team finally uncovered an ancient statue of Thor, god of thunder in Norse mythology. It was a magnificent sight, and there where Thor's eyes would normally be, sat two giant rubies. Well, both archeologists involved in the dig, of international renown, vowed that each would have their name associated with the finding of such giant gems. The argument turned ugly, and soon the two men were at each other, tooth and nail. The fight lasted for hours. When the dust cleared, both archeologists were lying flat in the dirt, unconscious. One worker turned to the other and said, "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

[retold from the originals in JokeMaster]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Learn to say 'no.' It will be of more use to you than being able to read Latin." (Charles Spurgeon)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Late Night Quips

Hey, for those of you who live in states that observe Daylight Savings Time ... that starts this weekend. "Spring Ahead" one hour before you go to bed Saturday.

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MORE LATE NIGHT QUIPS

"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they previously thought was extinct. They say the dolphin is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce." (Conan O'Brien)

"A new study found that women's faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife." (Jimmy Fallon)

"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here are honor students. 'Yes, your honor; no, your honor; not guilty, your honor." (David Letterman)

"A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap water in the country. California officials insist that the dirty water is fine as long as you chew it thoroughly." (Conan O'Brien)

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in the overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." (Conan O'Brien)

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." (Jay Leno)

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top secret name 'Microsoft Windows'." (Conan O'Brien)

[selected from Joe's Clean Laffs and about.com]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Kellogg's Cereal wants to share breakfast with one million kids who aren't getting it right now and their goal is to do that by this fall, and we can help. How? Tell 'em what you had for breakfast at http://shareyourbreakfast.com/. Or better yet, show 'em by uploading a pic. For every one of us who participates, another breakfast is shared.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Fat Tuesday Names

Did you get your paczki eaten today?

I hope you enjoyed Shrove Tuesday and are now prepared for Lent to begin.

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ALTERNATE NAMES FOR "FAT TUESDAY"

Big-Boned Tuesday

Low Carb Tuesday

People Want to See Way Too Much for Plastic Beads Day

The Day Before I Call In Sick

[selected - with family friendly edits - from myhyena.com]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Lent is a time for trimming the soul and scraping the sludge off a life turned slipshod." (Sister Joan Chittister)

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Mark's Musings is baked for an RSS Feed, tasted on a Facebook Note, sold through the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢) and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Help for the Hurt

ERRATA: D'oh! List member George J. correctly pointed out that *any* 31-day month in which Friday is the first will have five full weekends. 823 years, my eye! That'll learn me to take other bloggers at face value. My apologies for this fact-checking failure.

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In my mind, Spring begins today. Spring Training games are in full swing down in Florida and Arizona, I resume my walking program today, and the temperatures here are slowly rising.

However, even though I'd like to believe it's Spring, the calendar says that season's beginning is still three weeks away. And in betwixt hither and yon are likely to be some pretty cold days and some pretty nasty weather.

So why not download some hearty soup, stew, and chowder recipes from The Old Farmer's Almanac?

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A small girl who had spent most of the day playing outside came up to her Mommy late one afternoon and said, "Mommy, my tummy hurts."

"That's because it's empty," Mom replied. "You have to put something in it." So she fixed up a nice warm bowl of soup with crackers for her daughter.

Later that week their pastor and his wife came over for dinner and during the after dinner conversation, the pastor winced, touched his hand to his head and explained that he'd had a terrible headache all day and his head was still hurting.

And right on cue, the little girl piped up and said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something in it."

[with thanks again to Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." (Neil Postman)

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Mark's Musings is served on an RSS Feed, ladled into a Facebook Note, poured into the Amazon Kindle and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Embarrassing Story

Being a diabetic, I normally have iced tea or water with my meals, occasionally a diet soda or a diet fruit juice. Now, however, new studies brought to light by Reader's Digest say that even that diet soda may be bad for you.

And, what's worse, now they are even saying that the caramel coloring used in cola causes cancer.

Water. Still God's Best Invention.

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Tired of waiting for their overdue baby to arrive, my very pregnant daughter and her husband decided to take in a movie one night.

My daughter went inside to find seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks at the concession stand.

While paying for his tall glass of soda, my son-in-law accidentally knocked it over, spilling it everywhere. A couple of clerks hurried to mop it up and wipe down the counter, while another refilled the cup and my son-in-law headed off to his theater, thoroughly rattled.

Once inside, he was dramatically describing his embarrassing episode to my daughter, when one of his expressive hand gestures knocked the bucket of popcorn out of her hand, spilling it all over the floor. He hung his head, picked up the bucket, and sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was gone, the woman sitting behind my daughter leaned forward and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

[The Good Clean Funnies List via Randy Walker's Humor]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Children of a culture born in a water-rich environment, we have never really learned how important water is to us. We understand it, but we do not respect it." (William Ashworth)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Food Fiction

You guys (and gals) are awesome. Your words of support and encouragement have been well received ... "a thing of beauty; a joy to behold." As list member Pierre L. put it - "one live comic is worth a thousand dead ones." Thanks again, folks.

Meanwhile, it seems that WiFi may be coming to the cereal boxes on your grocery store shelves. (Warning: a mild word of adult language on page.)

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IF SCIENCE FICTION CLASSICS WERE REALLY ABOUT FOOD

Jurassic Pork

Planet of the Crepes

Fahrenheit 451 (for 14-18 minutes)

The Marzipan Chronicles

2001: A Spice Oddysey

Dr. Rangelove - or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Lard

20,000 Legumes Under the Sea

The Thyme Machine

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Food]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "A bagel is a doughnut with the sin removed." (George Rosenbaum)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Guard Patrol

The people who get paid to tell us what the weather will do next say we are due to receive between a foot to fifteen inches of snow over the next twenty-four hours. This, on top of the two inches that fell last night, should make my commute to work in the wee hours of Wednesday morning just terribly interesting.

But enough about me.

If you'll be snowed in Wednesday - or if you just like to play with the kids and grandkids - Reader's Digest has some indoor snow fun for you.

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Gale force winds, a snowstorm, and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electrical wires were sparking and snapping on the snowdrifts all over town.

As a local policeman, I was assigned to the area around another downed wire to provide security for the site and keep the public safe.

It was just after midnight and about 20 degrees below zero when I arrived to relieve the patrolman who was currently on duty. He pointed out the thin line swinging furiously from the main junction box and then hastily beat it to the relative warmth of his patrol car. Pulling up my collar and reaffixing my earmuffs, I took up my position for the next few hours.

Finally, just after 5:30 in the morning, a utility truck arrived and a lineman hopped out. He climbed the utility pole and then descended a few minutes later, laughing.

"Well, officer," he explained, "I'm afraid you have successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night long!"

[Wit and Wisdom]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Weather is a great metaphor for life - sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and there's nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella." (Terri Guillemets)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Flight Software

Grabbed a cell phone snapshot of myself in my "deep winter" hat for today's corner pic. And just a reminder - if you want to see the picture in more detail, just click on that photo.

As I mentioned yesterday, this is "Clean Out Your Inbox Week" and as I write this, there are just under 8,300 messages in my Inbox. As part of my ongoing interests and as ammunition for this post, I receive approximately 75-90 e-mails each day, of which perhaps a dozen are from friends, bandmates, baseball buddies, and family. Many people receive more messages than that, even.

My personality is such that I have difficulty simply deleting unread e-mails without any idea of their intrinsic value. Oh, there are the obvious spam and advertising messages, and those I can kick to the e-curb without hesitation. But I always think there just *might* be something useful in the others I can turn into a "Musing."

Marsha Egan has created a program she calls Inbox Detox^tm, and the link goes to her blog, with helpful tips. I signed up for her biweekly newsletter, which means even more e-mail, I guess.

Hmmmm. Receiving an e-mail to help me *reduce* the amount of e-mail. What's wrong with this picture?

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At a recent company-mandated refresher course for my engineering team, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airline and then discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would want to get off the plane immediately?"

Amid the forest of hands that shot up, one man sat quietly, serenely, with a look of confidence on his face.

When asked what he would do upon this discovery, the man replied that he would be quite content to stay on board the aircraft.

"You see," he explained, "using the software written by my team, the plane would be lucky to be able to taxi anywhere, let alone take off!"

[Doc's Daily Chuckle]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Diamonds are forever. E-mail comes close." (June Kronholz)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.