Quick Laugh

And it's educational, too. Watch this video for a 49-second primer on how to fold a short sleeve shirt in less than two seconds:



Now watch this video to see how it's actually done:



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Mark's Musings is published on a periodical basis - right now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - but that may change without notice. Find me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/markmusings. This blog is considered to be a digital periodical publication and is filed as such with the U.S. Library of Congress; ISSN 2154-9761. "Tell me, does your shirt fly?" "No, I fling it."

Tough Kids

I live in jeans.

Well, okay, I live in a house, but I usually wear jeans. It takes a special church service or a wedding to get me in something that doesn't contain denim. If then.

If you wear blue jeans quite a bit, and you want to keep them looking fresh and new, try a few of these techniques.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Three kids were bragging about how tough they were.

The first kid says, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."

"I'm so tough," chimes in the second kid, "I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing," brags the third boy. "I'm so tough I can wear out *both* my Grandma and Grandpa in about an hour."

[Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Let's do a word for Spring: precipitation. It arrives via Middle French and before that, our buddy Latin, where it was originally "praecipitationem." That word was modeled after "praecipitare," which meant a hard fall, as from a height and *that* word was built on "praeceps," which meant steep (think "precipice"). Precipitation actually has about five meanings, but the one most commonly used refers to any type of water falling from the sky (which is the "as from a height" part).

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Suit Sale

Hey, if you can afford to spare a buck or three, please click here to support my Crop Walk fundraiser and fight poverty. I walk on Sunday and only have 17% of my goal so far. Thank you so much!

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One of the biggest problems with buying clothes online is that, unlike in-person retail shops, you can't try them on or see how they will look on you, unless you have a *very* good imagination.

Well, Popular Science reports that those clever chaps in Estonia have developed a robot that can mimic 2,000 separate male body shapes. A retailer sends their clothes to the company, where they are placed on the robot and it cycles through all 2,000 shapes, taking a digital snapshot of each one.

At the retailer's site, you'll enter your body's dimensions and they'll call up the matching photo, so you won't have to use quite so much of your imagination.

A female version of the robot is predicted to be available by the end of the year.

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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed that his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk hurries up to him and exclaims, "Guess what, sir?!"

"I don't know. Tell me," replies the manager.

"I finally sold that terribly ugly suit we've had on display for so long!"

The store manager glances at the corner window where now there stands an empty suit rack. "You mean," he asks, "that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?"

"That's the one!" cries the clerk.

"That's great!" the manager enthuses. "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit I've ever seen in my life. But tell me, what has happened to your hand?"

"Oh, this," the clerk responds, looking down at his hand, "well, after I sold the gentleman that suit, his guide dog bit me."

[Net 153's Smile A Day]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile." (Lee Mildon)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Stranger

While I was at my union convention last week, I bought two chances to win an iPad in a fundraising raffle.

Down in Venezuela, they have a little different kind of raffle. Frankly, the numbers reported in that offbeat story from USA Today astounded me.

And you thought politicians in the States were bad.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Esther has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience, during which she sees God and asks him if this is the end for her.

God says "no," and goes on to explain that she has another 30-40 productive years of life left in her.

So as soon as she had recovered, Esther thinks that as long as she knows she's got another three or four decades to live, she might as well stay in the hospital and get the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and tummy tuck she had promised herself for years.

So she did, and she even had her hair dyed to a shade that flattered her more youthful appearance.

But, sadly, as she finally left the hospital some time later, she was struck by a speeding car and killed instantly.

When she comes before the Pearly Gates, she says to God, "I don't understand! You said I had another 30-40 years!"

God replies, "I didn't recognize you!"

[Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Mirrors should think longer before they reflect." (Jean Cocteau)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptionsare free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Out of Place

So I was reading recently about the flaps on sportcoat jacket pockets. Tucked in? Left out? Just what's the etiquette on that sort of thing?

Apparently, pockets were designed originally to not even have flaps, and flaps are considered a casual appendage. That's why formal attire - tuxedos and such - don't have any. They were brought into vogue by Edward, Prince of Wales. Apparently, it doesn't much matter what you do with a sport coat pocket flap ... if it can be tucked in and still look good, go for it. However, most pocket flaps are designed these days to be just wider than the pocket, so tucking would pucker the material and your appearance.

For your link today, find a few fashion and life tips from Esquire.

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As I was helping my daughter with a few things before her class entered the auditorium for her high school graduation, I noticed a young man nearby sporting a long, bleached-blond ponytail from the top of his otherwise shaved head. A heavy linked chain hung around his neck, and one ear sported several earrings.

I had to smile when I overheard him confide to a friend, "Man, I feel so out of place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."

[Reader's Digest "Short Takes" via Wit and Wisdom]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.' " (Luke 12:22-23)

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Mark's Musings dresses up on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, an Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Golden Oldie

Here is a link about clothes that react to your mood. While it may have some commercial application in, say, mental health institutions, I just don't see the concept catching on with society in general.

Your thoughts? Would you wear clothing that could determine when you were angry or depressed, and then send words and music to make you feel better?

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

My friend Dan bought his wife one those mood rings.

When she's happy, the ring turns green. When she's relaxed, the ring is blue.

And when she's angry, the ring leaves a bright red mark on Dan's forehead.

[Mark's Musings Archive]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy." (Robert Anthony)

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Dog Shoes

I don't usually click through any of the advertising banners posted on the websites I visit, but this morning I saw one that featured a rainbow-colored athletic shoe, and it caught my eye. That's just the kind of footwear I would choose for when my band plays somewhere.

What I found was that for $62 (plus shipping), you can customize your very own athletic shoe, right down to the color of the stitching and you can even have a "personal ID" monogrammed into it.

But then I wondered if this was made in the U.S.A., because most shoes aren't. And that led me to this site, which I thought you might find helpful as you go about your holiday shopping.

I ask a moment of indulgence from my international readers.

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My dog chewed up the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took it to a shoe repair shop.

I dropped the shoe on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

He picked the shoe up, looked it over carefully, nodded his head and murmured, "uh huh, uh huh," then put the shoe back down.

"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked me levelly in the eye and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

[Pastor Tim's Illustrations]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Why are there so many magazines about running? Doesn't it all come down to rapidly placing one foot in front of the other?

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Mark's Musings jogs into your Inbox every weekday and you can get it by clicking here. It's also available via RSS Feed. See the right column.

Guy Movies

A little bit of this and that today, giving you enough links to make up for my dearth of them this week.

What with all the advances in combining live-action film with animation these days, it's hard to believe that the groundbreaking movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" is 21 years old. The film, created by Robert Zemeckis, is finally getting a sequel.

And speaking of entertainment, Walt Disney plans on giving Mickey Mouse a makeover, complete with an aggressive personality, for a new video game next year. They are trying to be careful about it, however, since Mickey's image is responsible for a whopping $5 billion in merchandise sales every year.

Finally, with Christmas coming up in about six weeks, you might want to get the literature-loving woman in your life one of these clever little handbags, handmade by designer Olympia Le-Tan.

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MOVIES A MAN WANTS TO SEE

Rocket Launching Aliens and the Scantily-Clad Women Who Love Them

The Beer Hunter

Supermodels in Bikinis Racing Cars

The Neverending Bullets

Death to Jane Austen!

The Toilet Seat Stays Up

This Title Contains More Words Than All the Dialogue in the Movie

The Three Stooges Visit Victoria's Secret

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on the Movies; family-friendly edits by Mark Raymond]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)

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Mark's Musings casts an RSS Feed and is also available via e-mail each weekday. Subscribe by clicking here.

The Mirror

Just a heads up ... my posts this week may be even more irregular than normal. We're finishing up the renovation work on my new home office space and I may wind up without Internet service for a day or two. I'm already going into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Meanwhile, take this ten question quiz on acne. I truly knew nothing about the subject, apparently.

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A LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Age 8: Looks in the mirror and sees Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Isn't happy with anything she sees in the mirror. ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like THIS!")

Age 20: Sees herself as too fat / too thin / too tall / too short / hair's too straight / hair's too curly, but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: Sees the same thing, but fixes what she can, and goes out anyway.

Age 40: Sees the same thing, but says "I've had my shower / bath and at least I look clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50: Looks in the mirror and says, "It is what it is," and goes out anyway.

Age 60: Looks in the mirror and still isn't happy, but reminds herself she's still able to look in the mirror and goes out. Conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks in the mirror and sees wisdom, laughter, and ability, and then goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Puts on her purple hat and goes out to just have fun.

Age 90: Looks in the mirror and remembers the girl who saw Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty and decides she got it right the first time.

[Pastor Tim's Illustrations; edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: While talking with a friend while we sat in the hospital waiting room during my Dad's recent surgery, he was curious about the origin of the term, "Indian Summer." I've read three separate origins for the phrase, which first appeared in print circa 1778. One ascribes it to a period of Native American attacks on colonial settlements, another a grass fire burning time when Indians would flush out as much game as they could in the late fall to store for the lean winter months, and a third says it is merely called that because it was the Indians who informed the Europeans about the weather condition. Old Farmer's Almanac ascribes to the first, and has more specifics here. Whatever the explanation, we've certainly been enjoying some mild, warm days here in Michigan recently.

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P.S. - Pastor Tim's list above only went to 80. In honor of my step-mom, who turns 90 at the end of the month, I added the last one.

Mark's Musings shows itself on an RSS Feed and is also available via e-mail each weekday. Reflect upon your own subscription by clicking here.

Don't Tell Mom

Well, apparently while I was out of town last week, I missed "National Underwear Day."

Many retailers are holding sales and contests all month long, however.

In honor of today's topic, I'm keeping my remarks brief.

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THINGS MOM NEVER WANTS TO HEAR

"The dog doesn't like dressing up in your underwear."

"Goldfish taste terrible!"

"But DAD says that word all the time!"

"My teacher wants to see you."

"What's it cost to fix a window?"

"Have you seen Freddy, my snake?"

"I painted your shoes real pretty, huh?"

[selected from Pastor Tim's Clean Laughs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "So much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately in department stores by people who just come in for men's underwear." (Julia Childs)

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Scent Commitment

You know how some people don't just spray on perfume, they marinate in it?

Turns out that can occasionally cause problems.

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A young woman is standing at the perfume counter, gazing at all the expensive bottles. She reads the names on them ... "My Sin" ... "Desire" ... "Ecstasy."

Then she looks up at the cosmetics clerk and says, "I don't want to get emotionally involved, I just want to smell nice."

[Basic Jokes.com]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor." (Ecclesiastes 10:1)

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Foxhole

Trolling the web for something interesting last night, this story grabbed my attention. Perhaps because it happened just about an hour south of here.

In a Detroit neighborhood, a woman heard the burglar alarm at her next door neighbor's house go off. She went to the window and looked across the driveway that separated their property to see three men in the midst of a breaking and entering act.

One of the men noticed her observing them, pulled out a weapon and fired at her. The woman was struck by the shot but escaped serious harm, however, when the bullet was deflected ... by the underwire in her bra.

And you thought I was kidding.

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A young soldier fighting in Italy during World War II managed to jump into a foxhole just ahead of a spray of bullets. He immediately attempted to deepen the foxhole, for more protection.

As he was frantically scraping at the dirt with his hands, he uncovered a silver crucifix, apparently left behind by a previous occupant of the foxhole.

As the frightened soldier stared in wonder at the crucifix, another figure leapt into the foxhole next to him. The soldier turned to discover that the new occupant was an Army Chaplain.

Holding up the crucifix, the young soldier cried, "Am I glad to see you! How do you work this thing?"

[ChapNotes via Wit and Wisdom]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: What's the purpose behind training bras? What can we possibly teach them?

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Tee Shirts

Well, when it comes to khaki, turns out the answer was not A, nor B, nor even C ... but D: "All of the above - and more!"

If you recall from this past Friday's post, I'd asked you if khaki was a color or a style. Many of you responded - thank you - and I now know that not only is it BOTH a color and a style ... it's also a type of fabric.

The word itself began as the Indian word for either dust, or excrement. A few of you cited sources showing both. (You might see where we get the vernacular phrase, "ka-ka" for the latter definition.) But let's stick with dust. It's safer. The British military wore dust-colored uniforms and they were so useful with their multiple pockets that they continued to wear them even after they left the service.

This inspired civilian fashion designers and thus "khaki" also became a style of clothing, as well as a description of the rough-hewn but comfortable fabric. We know this style today as "business casual" but you can also see remnants of the original design in what we call "cargo pants."

And, in the interest of full disclosure, "Khaki" is also the name of list members Rob and Heather M.'s dog from just down the street.

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TEE SHIRT SLOGANS

I'm on Debt Row.

My Search Engine ran out of gas.

Figment of my own imagination.

Denial is a good thing if used correctly.

I do all of my own stunts.

This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 6.0 or higher.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

We got rid of the kids - the cat was allergic.

[selected from websites all over]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: List member Pamela A. wants to know the origin of "goody two-shoes." Fair enough. The Word Detective points out that long ago "Goody Two-Shoes" was a little girl in a children's story published in 1766. The author was believed to be Irish playwright Oliver Goldsmith. Goody was a poor child who only had one shoe, but through her kind behavior, was awarded two shoes by a rich man in town. Her original name in the story was Margery Meanwell. After being given the new shoes, she ran through the town, stopping all the passers-by and shouting, "Two Shoes! Two Shoes!" Thus earning the nickname of "Little Goody Two-Shoes." She went on in the story to become a teacher and married a rich widower, upholding the value of virtuous conduct in children. It wasn't until the 1930s that the phrase "Goody Two-Shoes" began to have negative connotations, as in someone who was only being good or nice to get something, not because they actually WERE good or nice.

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Trek Kindergarten

Okay, I know some of you out there are Trekkies like myself and my son, so I'm sure you'll appreciate this bit of news. With an eye to renewed interest in Star Trek thanks to the J.J. Abrams "requel" version coming out this May, a company known as Genki Wear is coming out with three colognes/perfumes in April based on the original Star Trek series.

One is called "Tiberius" with a tag phrase of Boldly Go. (Pictured.) A second - and my favorite, I think - is called "Red Shirt," Because Tomorrow May Never Come. The third is called "Pon Farr," named after the Vulcan mating ritual.

They recommend you only use that one every seven years.

Trekkies got that punch line. Trust me.

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THINGS THE CHILDREN LEARN AT STARFLEET KINDERGARTEN

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of th---No! It's mine, mine, MINE!

When crossing the street and holding hands, whatever you do, stay away from the kid in the red shirt.

The transporter is NOT a toy.

Don't make fun of the other kids' unusual appendages.

There's no use crying over spilled antimatter.

Don't eat the paste! It might be a sentient life form.

Be nice to the other kids. Their parents might take over your planet one day.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Science Fiction]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

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Schwartz and Feldman

So, the "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009" has been signed into law and we have just borrowed $787 *billion* from our children's future to help pull us out of a nasty recession.

You can, theoretically, download the entire 999-page bill with its 485 amendments in two parts ("Appropriations" and "Tax Provisions") here, though the links weren't working so well when I tried last night. I did find some of the 400+ Comments on the bill somewhat, umm, stimulating, however.

Another, more interactive tool to try and wrap your head around where this gargantuan chunk of money is going can be found here.

If you want to know the WIIFM (What's In It For Me), check out the H & R Block spin here.

And, of course, if you have no interest in any of this stuff, just read the joke and close your browser.

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Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. 8,000 Madras sports coats were hanging on racks in their warehouse, unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.

Out of the blue, in walks a buyer from Australia. "G'day," he begins, "you blokes wouldn't happen to have any Madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

Schwartz says he MIGHT have a few left, he'd have to check the warehouse. Well, to make a long story short, before long a deal was struck to ship all 8,000 coats to Australia at a handsome profit.

But before he left, the Australian buyer says, "There is just one thing. For an order this large, I'll have to get confirmation from my home office in Sydney. I don't anticipate any problems, though, so unless you hear from me by Friday, plan on shipping the coats as we agreed."

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with both partners nervously wondering if the Australians would cancel their order and ruin the business. Friday arrives. The morning passes without incident.

The afternoon drags on, but finally the partners allow themselves a little hope as they begin to close up shop late in the day. Five minutes before closing, however, the door opens and a messenger arrives, shouting, "Telegram!"

The partners froze. In a cold sweat and trembling, Feldman takes the telegram and opens it. Fearing the worst, his eyes slowly scan the words ... then his face lights up and with a beaming smile he shouts, "Schwartz! GREAT NEWS! It's just your brother! He's had a heart attack!"

[Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If every nation in the world is in debt ... where did all that money go?

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Male Makeup

Couples are often attracted to each other in the beginning by simply making an effort to look good. It's the simple chemistry of hormones+pheromones+good looks = romance.

Fortunately for me, my wife didn't let that stop her and dated me anyway. I'm the kind of guy who's really handsome ... after you get to know me (and my inner stud muffinness can shine through).

More and more in today's society I've noticed that the standard for male attractiveness seems to be kind of "the great unwashed" look ... the beginning of a beard, shirt tails hanging out, and a head of hair that looks like it spent a restless night tossed on a sea of pillows.

Well, believe it or not, now there's a product that can actually help your hair *acquire* that look. It's called "The Uncomb." To buy one, you click the "Buy" link and then navigate to your state. A list of stores that carry Fred's products will come up.

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NAMES FOR MEN'S MAKEUP
If men wore makeup, of course

Acne Commando Zit-O-Flage

Blemish Buster 6000 Mark IV Turbo

Manscara

Go Ahead, Make My Face

Max Tractor

Rev On

Oil Change of Olay

Cover Guy

[Chris White's Top Five on Health and Beauty; additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Is it possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen?

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Nightgown

Sorry, gang, I wound up pulling a 13-hour day at work yesterday, so no link. Just the joke today.

13 hours. Yeesh!

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Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I wasn't having any luck at all when I spied a sexy lingerie store. Desperate, I went in and looked and to my surprise, found just what I was looking for!

Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the very same nightgown. This confirmed what I had suspected all along, that despite being nearly 50 years old, I still had a very "with it" attitude and sense of style.

"I see we have the same taste," I proudly remarked to the young lady.

"I guess we do," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother. You, too?"

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Unmentionables are those articles of ladies' apparel that are never mentioned in public ... except in full page, illustrated advertisements." (from Changing Times magazine)

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Shoe Business

How do you tie your shoes? How many ways are there?

Ian Fieggen - "a friendly Aussie guy" - says there are probably more than two trillion ways to tie your shoes. But at his website, he shows you a slightly-more-easy-to-manage number of just three dozen, along with a ton of other information about shoes and lacing, in general.

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SHOE JOKES

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the salesman.

"Well, I'm afraid they're a bit tight."

The salesman bends down and looks at the shoes more closely and then says, "Ah, I think I see the problem. Try pulling the tongue out."

"Okayth, but theyth stillth feelth a bith tighth."

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Did I tell you about the Shoe family? They got so depressed when Daddy Shoe got laid off ... he was the family's sole support.

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If leather makes good shoes, do banana peels make good slippers?

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A man was riding the subway home one night, very late in the evening, and there was only one other person in the car, way down at the other end. The man took the opportunity to quietly light up a big cigar for a quick smoke.

Moments later, he heard the woman at the other end of the car say in a loud voice, "Would you please put out that cigar? There's no smoking in here, you know."

Abashed, the man pinched off the end of the stogie and tucked the cigar back into his pocket. A few minutes later he noticed his foot was cramping up and slipped of his shoe to massage it.

Moments later, he heard the woman's voice again, "Would you please light up that cigar?"

[selected from several online sources and Laugh Letter; editing by Mark Raymond]

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Sorry again today's post went out so late. I'll try to do better next week!

I've got three meetings tomorrow. I hope you'll sit back, relax and enjoy your weekend, however, and I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: My family loves to watch movies. We'd go every weekend if it weren't for meetings and work and other social engagements. And being the information junkie I am, I also like news about movies and upcoming movies ... especially when it's flavored with a Christian worldview. You can find that at http://www.christianitytoday.com/movies/features/news.html. Click the "Reel News" links for all kinds of interesting tidbits.

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Mark's Musings is certified by the folks at Habeas to be spam-free. That means I'll never email you spam. Subscribe, view past issues in the Archives, and click all you want at my web site. To contact me and sooner or later get a reply, click here. Three meetings. Wow. Really? Really. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. Pretend the credits have leprosy and don't touch 'em. Original material and commentary © 2008 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of this post daily and occasionally toss in bonus material on the weekends. Look for the label that says "Weekend" and you can bring them all up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. I should be helping my wife clean the house right now. Shame on me.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "A signature always reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name." (Evan Esar)

Monday Groaners

My daughter spent most of her summer and autumn afternoons in a swimming pool as a member of her High School Swim Team. Which meant that every evening I'd come home to bathing suits, towels, and sundry other articles of clothing draped over the shower doors for drying.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone could invent clothing that didn't get wet?

Wish granted.

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YOUR MONDAY GROANERS

They don't make wooden cars, because too many of them wooden go.

My realtor found me a really cheap apartment. I asked him if that was the best he could find ... he told me it was the lease he could do.

Did the Vikings know Norse Code?

When I was a boy on my grandfather's dairy farm, we used special milking machines with large pails to milk the cows. Grandpa told me it was because one good urn deserves an udder.

If you get sick at the airport, is it a terminal illness?

I know a guy who never parks his car in the right spot. He suffers from parking zones disease.

There was once a Sea Scout Camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia, that was so close to the beach that dolphins would swim in close to shore during the evening and the scouts would enjoy tossing scraps out to them. By the end of the week the chef began announcing dinnertime by yelling, "It's meal time! For all in tents and porpoises!"

[JokeMaster, with plenty of edits by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Since I started off with wet stuff, I'll finish with it. What's a "quagmire" and where did the word come from? A quagmire is soft, swampy marsh land that is never firm and slips and slides while you walk through it. We use it to describe not only such ground conditions, but also social conditions when one has gotten him or herself into a shaky situation. As in, "Mark was drawn into a quagmire of commentary with his friends over his political beliefs." The word comes from Old English (cwacian, which gave us the word "quake") and old Norse "myrr," which was a swamp.

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Collateral

Remember to send me your suggestions for "Life's Little Gratitudes" to be published this Thursday. I'm not talking big stuff here, like getting over a heart attack or recovering from an addiction - though those are certainly things to be thankful about - but just little things, like the people who ring the bell at Salvation Army kettles reminding us that there are still people who care in this world, or indoor plumbing, or a well-placed wastebasket when you need one. You know, little things for which you are thankful.

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Meanwhile, remember Life magazine? They were probably most well known for their photographs of celebrities and Americana. Published off and on since the 1880s, the magazine owns literally millions of archived photographs, 90% of which never made it to print. They are now working with Google to put these photographs on the web.

The magazine is also working to establish its own photo website here.

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I went with my husband recently to get his haircut. While he was in the stylist's chair, I was flipping through a magazine and I saw a hairstyle that I thought would look good on me. I asked the stylist if I could take the magazine next door to a shop where I knew I could make a photocopy of the page.

"Okay," she replied, "but you'll have to leave some ID ... a driver's license or a credit card."

"But my husband is sitting right there getting his hair cut!" I protested.

"Yeah ... but we need something you'll come back for."

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Are you as nearsighted as I am? If so, you have "myopia" (my-OH-pee-uh) or you are myopic. The word comes from two Greek words: myein (to close) and ops (eye). Myopia can also refer to something - as in a strategic plan - being shortsighted, or lacking foresight or long range vision.

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Mark's Musings is also sent each weekday via email. Picture yourself with your own subscription for free when you click here.