Vacation

Well, I was offline from early Monday morning until about 9:30 p.m. Tuesday night. Did anything important happen?

With some kind help from a friend of my wife, I have my gargantuan new desk set up in my freshly redecorated office and I'm ready to start moving in. In fact, I have the next 12 days off work in which to do it. This is the first vacation I've had all year where I wasn't on union business or traveling.

The sleep alone will be glorious.

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Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a resort hotel.

They were sitting on their verandah one evening, after a long day of play in the sun and pool, watching the sun set.

The professor who taught history turned to the psychology professor and asked, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes. I think it's these awful wicker chairs."

[Clean Humor Digest]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work." (Morris Fishbein)

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The Mirror

Just a heads up ... my posts this week may be even more irregular than normal. We're finishing up the renovation work on my new home office space and I may wind up without Internet service for a day or two. I'm already going into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Meanwhile, take this ten question quiz on acne. I truly knew nothing about the subject, apparently.

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A LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Age 8: Looks in the mirror and sees Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Isn't happy with anything she sees in the mirror. ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like THIS!")

Age 20: Sees herself as too fat / too thin / too tall / too short / hair's too straight / hair's too curly, but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: Sees the same thing, but fixes what she can, and goes out anyway.

Age 40: Sees the same thing, but says "I've had my shower / bath and at least I look clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50: Looks in the mirror and says, "It is what it is," and goes out anyway.

Age 60: Looks in the mirror and still isn't happy, but reminds herself she's still able to look in the mirror and goes out. Conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks in the mirror and sees wisdom, laughter, and ability, and then goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Puts on her purple hat and goes out to just have fun.

Age 90: Looks in the mirror and remembers the girl who saw Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty and decides she got it right the first time.

[Pastor Tim's Illustrations; edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: While talking with a friend while we sat in the hospital waiting room during my Dad's recent surgery, he was curious about the origin of the term, "Indian Summer." I've read three separate origins for the phrase, which first appeared in print circa 1778. One ascribes it to a period of Native American attacks on colonial settlements, another a grass fire burning time when Indians would flush out as much game as they could in the late fall to store for the lean winter months, and a third says it is merely called that because it was the Indians who informed the Europeans about the weather condition. Old Farmer's Almanac ascribes to the first, and has more specifics here. Whatever the explanation, we've certainly been enjoying some mild, warm days here in Michigan recently.

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P.S. - Pastor Tim's list above only went to 80. In honor of my step-mom, who turns 90 at the end of the month, I added the last one.

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Life's Little Rules

Thanks to all who thought kindly for my Dad yesterday. He came through the surgery with flying colors and instead of four days in hospital, there's a good chance he'll be sent home today!

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Meanwhile, thanks to everyone who took time to write and send in your contributions. Here are most of what you sent me. A few of you sent stuff from around the Web, and the idea was to more or less give me your original "little rules" so of those that came from somewhere else, I'm only reprinting the more obscure ones here.

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LIFE'S LITTLE RULES

Wake up deciding to enjoy your day.

Look up at the stars every now and then.

Never slap a man chewing tobacco on the cheek.

If your wife says "OK" with a frown, it's not okay.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

The right thing at the wrong time still makes a mess. The wrong thing at the right time turns out fine. Timing is everything.

What you don't have in your head you'll have to have in your heels.
Translation: What you don't remember you will have to go back and get.

Give them roses while you can put them in their hands; don't wait until you can only put them on their coffin.

Live the life you love.

If you want something done and done right, do it yourself.

Never look down on anyone, unless you're helping them up.

When you say "I love you," mean it.

Always thinking. Always thinking ahead.

Thank God all day long for all the little things ... like fresh warm laundry from the dryer, or making it through a tricky intersection okay.

Encourage others.

Always stay down wind from a bear, and upwind from a skunk.

Never take the last piece when sharing with others.

What we do for ourselves dies with us; what we do for others is immortal.

Memorize your favorite poem.

Be especially kind to people when you feel least like it.

Be in the moment.

If your wife is suddenly ultra-nice to you, have a look at the checkbook.

Never take a laser game gun to a paintball fight.

Believe in love at first sight.

When you're angry, shut up and sing.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Don't chew gum when you're talking to people.

Spend some time alone.

[submitted by list members Susan B., Chris H., Lloyd D., Don C., Vivian Z., Jim G., Nancy M., Mike B., Patricia K., Lillian C., Carrie M., and Mark Raymond]

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My daughter has her final swim meet relays this weekend, my office renovation is still ongoing, and my Dad is still recovering from his surgery. I will be in one of those three places most of the weekend.

So I'll see you on Monday.

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Several of you have now sent me the link for the YouTube video on the "Piano Stairs," so I did a little further research and discovered that Volkswagen is sponsoring a series of behavior modification experiments in Europe. Something they call "The Fun Theory." Check out all three videos at http://www.thefuntheory.com/. And maybe a few more corporate sponsors here in America can take up the cause.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday, sooner or later, using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and click through the pages over at my web site. To contact me and one day get a reply, click here. Reminding you now that I will update the blog later today. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. That's one of forwarding's and reprinting's little rules. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. Has anyone seen my checkbook?

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "The world has forgotten, in its concern with Left and Right, that there is an Above and Below." (Glen Drake)

More Tom Swifties

NOTE OF PERSONAL PRIVILEGE: Hey, my Dad's having surgery this morning. The injuries he sustained in their motor vehicle collision three years ago have finally reached the point where they need serious medical intervention. Please have a kind thought or a good prayer, and I bless you for that, one and all.

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I don't know if you can tell, but I read a lot. I think I must get it from my parents, who have nearly insulated their home with shelves of books. If the place ever caught fire, it would burn for days.

I mostly read science fiction, though I do read literature of other stripes - theology, productivity, contemporary fiction, biographies, etc. But no matter what you like, you're bound to find something on this list.

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A FEW MORE TOM SWIFTIES

"So you think you can break this code?" Tom asked cryptically.

"Blow on the fire ... it will burn better!" he bellowed.

"I hope Sarge doesn't catch me AWOL," Tom thought absently.

"I was just in the dorm rooms; no one's bed is made" Sally complained in a blanket statement.

"I *will* get that transfer to the Canine Corps," Tom said doggedly.

"I'm re-reading the second Gospel," Tom remarked.

"Halt! Who goes there?" he inquired guardedly.

"You, my friend, are losing your hair," Tom said baldly.

"Thank you for shredding the cheese," said Sally gratefully.

"This will be the toughest exam of your year," the professor attested.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on the Military, and JokeMaster]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts." (2 Corinthians 3:2-3)

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Clock Convention

Arrrrrgh. Late again. I've GOT to try and get more than a day at a time written.

Sorry, everybody. But to find something quickly, I went scouring through my Inbox, which still has messages - all read, I assure you, just not filed - from up to two years ago.

It was there that I found this. Stephen Fry made his name playing a valet in the British televison show, "Jeeves and Wooster."

I am so enamored of it I may have to buy one for my wife.

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It was a busy morning at the Third Annual International Clock Convention. Lunchtime, as always, was designated "free time" and, for the most part, all the attendees - clocks and watches, one and all - would break off into groups of two or three for the break.

The Grandfather Clock and The Old Dutch Clock hit it off well.

The Mantel Clock and The Anniversary Clock found themselves similarly well-suited for one another.

This went on until not a single clock was left in the convention hall except The Little Alarm Clock ... who went off by himself.

[Syman Says]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: How did the person who invented the clock know what time to set?

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Whiskey

Election Day here in the States. Whatever is on your local ballot, get out there and vote about it.

And remember to send me those little tenets of common sense, wisdom, and pithy philosophies y'all live by. They're what I call "Life's Little Rules" and I'm putting out a list of them - your list - on Friday.

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Recently a Congressman from a conservative state was asked about his position on whiskey.

He replied, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners to sin more greatly, well, I'm against it."

He then continued, "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against a winter chill, that taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers that are then used to comfort crippled children, then I'm for it."

"This is my position, and I will not compromise."

[Arcamax Jokes via Doc's Daily Chuckle]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "There are many men of principle in both parties in America, but there is no party of principle." (Alexis de Tocqueville)

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Clean Shaven

All right. Sorry, everyone, the "Movember" site was a little cranky after I suggested it Friday for your "Web Site of the Week." It seems to be working now and my son's page is here. [NOTE: right-click the link, select "Copy Shortcut" or "Copy Link Location" and paste the address into a new window. Their website apparently doesn't want you to find individuals easily.] Please bookmark it for the next month, vote with your donations (even $1 or $2 would be awesome), and check back periodically to see the progress of his facial hair. He looks so young when he's clean-shaven!

And, again, let me know if any of you are there, as well, and I'll pipe it out there to the list.

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During a pledge drive on public television, a woman called in and said she would donate $100 if the emcee would shave off his beard.

The next day the emcee was, indeed, clean-shaven.

The day after that the check arrived.

It was from his mother.

[Ladyhawke's Jokes]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: List member Daffy H. wants to know the origin and meaning of the word "cenotaph." A cenotaph is a memorial marker of various sorts erected as a monument to a person whose remains are buried elsewhere. It is originally from two Ancient Greek words: kenos, meaning "empty" and taphos, meaning "tomb." The word migrated from Greek (kenotaphion) to Latin (cenotaphium) to French (cénotaphe) to the word we use today.

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More Things I've Learned

DEPARTMENT of REMINDERS: For those of you who live in states that observe Daylight Savings Time (DST), it's time to "fall back." Set your clocks back one hour on Sunday, at 2:00 a.m., or Saturday before you go to bed. Secondly, the response to my "Life's Little Rules" request has been strong enough to warrant a post in one week. So you can still send me the "little rules" you live by and I'll compile them into a larger list for everyone. Click here to launch your e-mail program.

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I went to the doctor yesterday for my quarterly diabetic checkup and the usual laundry list of other miscellaneous medical items, so perhaps that's why this caught my attention Thursday evening.

Reminded me of Stephen Wright's line: "My plan is to live forever. So far, so good."

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MORE THINGS I'VE LEARNED

I've learned that no matter what, say what you feel and feel what you say, otherwise it's just words. (Age 14)

I've learned that God is an endless fountain of forgiveness and patience. (Age 17)

I've learned that we spend too much time wishing for things we don't have and missing the things we do. (Age 22)

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for a lifetime. (Age 27)

I've learned that love - not time - heals all wounds. (Age 31)

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. (Age 46)

I've learned that there are no unimportant acts of kindness. (Age 51)

I've learned never to go to bed with an argument unsettled. (Age 73)

[selected from Jokes Central]

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Whatever your tradition on Halloween, I hope you enjoy it and keep it good, clean, fun. We'll be clearing out another room. On Monday we begin the remodel of the room where my new home office will be housed.

I'll see you on Monday. And don't forget about the clock thing.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: My son is participating in another one of those "grow a moustache" fundraisers during the month of November. This time it will raise money for prostate and testicular cancer. The site calls your 'stache a "mo" so the address is http://www.movember.com/. Look for my boy and vote for him, and pledge him money. And/or join the friendly contest yourself and let me know about it!

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday whether I want to or not using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and click through the pages over at my web site. To contact me and sooner or later get a reply, click here. To make a change, just start. Don't wait for a new day, or a new year, or a new spouse, just start now. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits need to feel wanted; just like me. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. Just call me Deadline Dan. So much to do.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "I will not allow yesterday's success to lull me into today's complacency, for this is the great foundation of failure." (Og Mandino)

Bird Dog

Do you like hummingbirds? Would you like to see one up close and personal?

Got $80?

A company called "Heat Stick" has taken a Plexiglas face mask, painted it to disguise your human features, and attached a small little hummingbird feeder to it. You put it on, then sit motionless in your garden until the hummingbird comes to feed. You are, quite literally, eye-to-eye with the avian.

I put a YouTube video demonstrating it down below.

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During quail season in Georgia, a journalist from Atlanta met an old farmer so he could do a feature on the hunt. The older man brought along his ancient pointer, as he had every season for years.

Twice while in the field, the pointer arthritically ran into the weeds and pointed. Twice his old master fired his shotgun up into the air.

When the skeptical journalist saw no birds rise, he asked the farmer for an explanation.

"Well, shucks," says the old man, "I knew there weren't no birds in that grass. Ol' Duke's nose ain't what it used to be. But I'll tell ya what, him and me have had some wonderful times out here together. He's still doing the best he can and it'd be mighty mean of me to start calling him a liar at this stage of the game!"

[Andychap's Funnies via Wit and Wisdom]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:10)

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Funny Quotes

I have been remiss in not noting the passing of Milton Supman.

You might know him better as Soupy Sales. He spent a good part of his career on Detroit area television. For many years he hosted a children's television show that was probably most well known for pies in the face. Usually Soupy's, occasionally someone else's.

Disgruntled that he had to work one New Year's Day, he told the children in his audience that their parents had probably had a bad night and were most likely still sleeping. He told the children to sneak into their parents bedrooms and find their purses or wallets, then remove "those funny green pieces of paper with pictures of U.S. Presidents," then "put them in an envelope and send them to me, and I'll send you a postcard from Puerto Rico!"

Several days later - after money began arriving - he announced that he had been joking but was fired anyway. However, the children organized a picket outside a New York television station that went on for two weeks and eventually Soupy was put back on the air.

Oddly enough, Soupy never felt he received any respect working in children's television and did some variety television, movies, and appeared as a regular panelist on "What's My Line?" from 1968 to 1975.

Normally I would do a "Wit and Wisdom of Soupy Sales" post but the Internet is woefully thin on Soupy quotes. So we'll just do some humorous quotes from various sources.

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"Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect." (Stephen Wright)

"Electricity is really just organized lightning." (George Carlin)

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder that does that for me." (Stephen Fry)

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." (Robert Benchley)

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." (Quentin Crisp)

"Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative." (Henry Kissinger)

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." (Mike Myers)

"Never raise your hand to your children ... it leaves your midsection unprotected." (Robert Orben)

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." (Don Marquis)

"There comes a time in a man's life, and I've had plenty of them." (Casey Stengel)

[selected from brainyquote.com]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Can an ambidextrous person make an offhand remark?

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