This Ain't Nothin'

I'd never heard of Craig Morgan until I started listening to SiriusXM's "The Highway." When I heard this song I was immediately moved. But then, as life goes on, it slipped into the back of my mind.

Heard it again today. Tried to sing along, but discovered I just can't sing when I'm crying. Maybe it's because Mom's "heart of gold stopped pumping" just recently.

I hope it puts a few things in perspective for you.

I'm Back ... Sort Of

Mercy. You see what happens when I give myself permission to get enough sleep? The post goes away.

But seriously, a heavy combination of family, work, band, church, and union have had me wearing so many hats since early May I can't find the one labeled, "Musings."

And my Mom passed away about three weeks ago. I want to take a moment and thank each and every one of you who offered up prayers or kind thoughts. Dad would still welcome them, I'm sure, as he "reboots" his life and makes the adjustment to being single after 40 years of marriage.

I am afraid, however, that the post is quite likely to be more miss than hit over the rest of the summer. Starting at the end of this month, I will be away from home more than I'm in it. My band is providing the worship music for two services daily at a Christian Family Camp at the end of July, and the day after that's done I fly to Florida for a union convention ... two weeks later I once again head out for an Alaskan cruise as my father's travel buddy followed by another weekend in Chicago to celebrate my daughter's birthday.

Goodness! And I'm not even retired!! (Probably not going to receive the Employee of the Month award anytime soon....)

So I'm thinking you should expect that I'll try to post something once or twice a week, but it may be less than that ... or I could surprise everyone (myself included) and post more. Time will tell.

But enough about me. On with the post!

And for your link today, check out 20 Things You Might Not Know about the classic movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which recently celebrated its 40th anniversary.

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There is no such thing as a "national" holiday in the United States of America and that is just how the founding fathers wanted it. Congress has no authority to establish holidays that the 50 states are required to observe, they can merely name "federal" holidays (meaning a day off) for employees of the federal government and the District of Columbia.

It is up to the individual states to determine their own holidays. Many follow the lead of the federal government. In fact, all 50 states do recognize Independence Day as an official holiday and most private sector employers follow suit and give the day off to their non-essential employees. So, it seems like a national holiday even though it technically isn't.

States are also free to invent their own holidays. Hawaii celebrates King Kamehameha Day on June 11 to recognize the leader who united the separate islands. Schoolchildren in Illinois get the first Monday in March off to honor Casimir Pulaski, a Polish hero of the American Revolution who never set foot in the state.

Utah recognizes the arrival of Brigham Young and the other Mormons fleeing religious persecution on July 24, 1847 with Pioneer Day.

Some local governments even establish their own special holidays. Hence, Evacuation Day in Boston, which is theoretically a commemoration of some historical event but since it occurs on the day after St. Patrick's Day, is thought of by most as "sleeping-it-off" day.

The 4th of July as a holiday began before there even was a nation or federal government to speak of. Philadelphia recognized the first anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1777 with parades, fireworks, and other activities we still associate with the day. It was first recognized as an official holiday by Massachusetts, before the Revolutionary War had ended.

Interestingly, Congress didn't make Independence Day a federal holiday until 1870 - but it was a day without pay until 1938 when Congress decided to throw federal employees a bone and make it a paid holiday. They also established that if the 4th falls on a Saturday, the day will be observed on Friday for workers on a Mon-Fri schedule and if it falls on a Sunday, it will be observed on Monday.

[selected from Oh My Gov's "BureauPat" column]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Have six months of 2011 gone by already? July is National Grilling Month. It's Nectarine and Garlic Month (*there's* a combination to try). Thursday is Global Forgiveness Day. And though its popularity has waned here in the States, Teddy Bear Picnic Day on this Sunday coming up apparently remains popular around the world.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Still Here

Contrary to what it feels like, this blog is not yet defunct.

A combination of family, work, band, church, and a couple of other hobbies have slipped ahead of posting stuff in my priority list.

Sadly, this situation looks like it may last for much of the summer, so things will be more miss than hit here. Thanks for your patience, all.

Mark

Dumb Telemarketer

My wife and I received a call this evening that had me wondering if we were still on the "Do Not Call" registry.

You know about that, right?

It's a free federal service run by the Federal Trade Commission that blocks most telemarketers from calling you. You can still be called by political parties, charities, and organizations conducting surveys, but calls trying to sell you stuff drop right off. And your registration is forever.

And yes, we're still on it.

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Our daughter stayed home one weekend while my wife and I went on a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary.

At some point while we were gone, the telephone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Telemarketer: "Hello, may I speak to Mr. Raymond?"

Daughter: "I'm sorry, but Mr. Raymond is out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary."

Telemarketer: "How nice for him! Well, then, may I speak to Mrs. Raymond?"

[retold from Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end." (Fred Couples)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Yo Momma - A Joke Tradition

What do salmon, dark leafy greens, and beans have in common?

Would you believe they're all good for your hair?

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{I know Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, so I'd better get these "Yo Momma" jokes out of the way today. Absolutely *nothing* "racist" here. "Yo Momma" jokes are an old, old tradition in comedy. And in keeping with the above, they are all about food. -- MR}

Yo Momma is so dumb, she wonders why her bell peppers don't ring.

Yeah, well, yo Momma is so dumb, she thinks the Mayo Clinic is a sandwich shop!

Yo Momma is so dumb she thinks chicken nuggets came out of a mine.

Yo Momma is so dumb she went to a Jimmy Buffet concert and thought it was all-you-can-eat!

Well, yo Momma is so fat every time she goes to McDonald's they have to change the number on their sign!

Yo Momma is so dumb she quit her French cooking class when she found out they weren't covering fries or toast.

Yo Momma thinks you have to put on a coat to serve chili.

Okay, okay. Yo Momma is so dumb she thinks spinach in your teeth is a recipe!

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Food]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: May is National Better Hearing Month (insert obligatory "Eh? What's that?" joke here). It's also National Hamburger Month, National Meditation Month, and National Family Month. It's Be Kind to Animals Week (which is *every* week for my daughter), Drinking Water Week, National Hug Holiday Week, Astronomy Week, and National Teacher Appreciation Week. Wednesday is the Great American Grump Out Day. Thursday is Cinco de Mayo, of course, and Friday is International Tuba Day.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Missing Hubby

Well, this is just about the coolest thing I've seen in awhile, and I have to give proper credit right up front to Ms. Kim Komando for pointing it out to me.

They're called "cinemagraphs," and they are a combination of video and photography that make very nifty pictures.

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A woman arrived at her local police department to report the disappearance of her husband.

"Do you have a photograph of him?" the desk sergeant inquired.

"Yes, I do," the woman replied and handed one over.

The officer took a good look at it and then asked, "If we find him, is there a message you'd like us to give him?"

"Yes. Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

[Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

More Useless Inventions

Well, Mom made it through Easter, but her health continues to fail, slowly. Keep her and Dad in your kind thoughts and good prayers, as I know you will.

And then, just as Bonnie's aunt gets the surgery set up for her breast cancer, her husband (Bonnie's uncle-in-law) suffers a stroke!

So my dear wife is off again, looking after family, bless her heart. Should only be a few days this time ... but, you know, that's what we said last November and it turned into five weeks!

So, yeah ... just the joke today. Again.

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MORE USELESS INVENTIONS

Inflatable dartboard

Waterproof Towel

Powdered Water

Pedal-Powered Wheelchair

See-Through Toilet Paper

Connect-the-Dots Roadmap

[selected from Net 153's Sunday Funnies]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Everyone is ignorant on different subjects." (Will Rogers, with thanks to Molly Rhea's Quotes of the Day)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Good Friday, 2011

Posts have been spotty this week, I know. I was tabbed to produce our Good Friday evening service and have been focused on that.

Dad tells me Mom is even closer to slipping into the Afterlife, and it's Good Friday, so this may be a good time to contemplate our own mortality. Carolyn Arends, a Canadian singer-songwriter has some thoughts on the subject.

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A GOOD FRIDAY THOUGHT

For whatever reason God chose to make man as he is -- limited and suffering and subject to sorrows and death -- He had the honesty and the courage to take his own medicine. Whatever game He is playing with His creation, He has kept His own rules and played fair. He can exact nothing from man that He has not exacted from Himself. He has Himself gone through the whole of human experience, from the trivial irritations of family life and the cramping restrictions of hard work and lack of money to the worst horrors of pain and humiliation, defeat, despair and death. When He was a man, He played the man. He was born in poverty and died in disgrace and thought it well worthwhile.

[Dorothy Sayers, writing in "Creed or Chaos?" back in 1949, as quoted in Monday Fodder]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: And there's your winner for this week -- my cyber missionary friend, Dave Aufrance, publishes a weekly newsletter with all his ministry and missionary news from Hong Kong, then adds a healthy dollop of "Serious Fodder" and "Guffaw Fodder" along with some photos, then ties it all up in a bundle he calls Monday Fodder.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Weather Vane

Golly. A third of the season is just about gone, and we're still waiting for Spring. It *snowed* yesterday! Michigan (shakes head in bafflement). Guess we'll call it Wintring. In a couple of months we'll be having sprummer.

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Famous preacher C.H. Spurgeon told the story of a pastor who was out for a walk in the countryside when he stopped by a farmhouse for a drink of water. As he sipped from his glass, he struck up a conversation with the old farmer who lived there.

As they spoke, the pastor noticed that the farmer's barn had a weathervane on it that was spinning around in the wind, which was picking up. On the weathervane the words "God is Love" were engraved.

The pastor turned to the farmer and said, "I have to say I don't think that's a very good way to talk about God's love. Are you saying His love is wishy-washy and changes, depending on which way the wind blows?"

"Not at all," replied the farmer. "That weathervane is saying, 'No matter which way the wind blows, God is Love'."

[Sermon Central Weekly Newsletter via Wit and Wisdom]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Isn't it funny that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?" (Kelvin Throop III)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Palm Sunday: Rise Up!

My Facebook friend - Pastor Scott Salo from Clio, Michigan - had this posted and, indeed, my spirit "rose up" while I watched.

It's called "Dance Your Shoes Off" - it was a shoe donation campaign from Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas.

I found it extremely appropriate for Palm Sunday.




The song is entitled "Rise Up" and was commissioned by Second Baptist Church for this event. It is produced by Joshua Moore. The singer is Lauren James Camey, a member of Second Baptist.

Tax Humor

My wife and I donned our spelunking gear and dove into the "Big Dig" today. That's where we comb through every lick of paper piled on my desk and in nearby piles (that's not a typo; some people have a filing system ... I have a piling system). We're on our annual tax documentation excursion.

By the way, you know that this year we have until April 18 to get those tax forms in, right? Apparently tomorrow is the Washington, DC celebration of "Emancipation Day" and all the federal offices there are closed, pushing the deadline to Monday.

Every January my wife looks me in the eye and says, "We will file early this year." And every year I reply, "Yes, dear."

And here we are again, knee deep in the paper cave as the deadline crawls near. (sigh)

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TAX HUMOR

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "Second Notice" that his taxes were overdue. He hurried down to his local IRS office and paid, saying apologetically that he must have missed the first notice. "Oh," replied the agent, "we don't send out first notices. We have much better luck if we start with the second notice."

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two groups: men and women.

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta." (Dave Barry)

The wages of sin are death, but by the time you take taxes out, it's just sort of a tired, run down feeling.

How do you know you've hired a good tax advisor? There's a loophole named after him or her.

"Worried about a tax audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in the bank after paying your taxes. That's a red flag." (Jay Leno)

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract ... teach him to deduct." (Fran Lebowitz)

[selected from taxhelpattorney.com]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" (Matthew 5:46)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Tough Kids

I live in jeans.

Well, okay, I live in a house, but I usually wear jeans. It takes a special church service or a wedding to get me in something that doesn't contain denim. If then.

If you wear blue jeans quite a bit, and you want to keep them looking fresh and new, try a few of these techniques.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Three kids were bragging about how tough they were.

The first kid says, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."

"I'm so tough," chimes in the second kid, "I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing," brags the third boy. "I'm so tough I can wear out *both* my Grandma and Grandpa in about an hour."

[Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Let's do a word for Spring: precipitation. It arrives via Middle French and before that, our buddy Latin, where it was originally "praecipitationem." That word was modeled after "praecipitare," which meant a hard fall, as from a height and *that* word was built on "praeceps," which meant steep (think "precipice"). Precipitation actually has about five meanings, but the one most commonly used refers to any type of water falling from the sky (which is the "as from a height" part).

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Random Quotations

Gah! Where does the day go?

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RANDOM QUOTATIONS

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful." (Sophia Loren)

"If the world gets any smaller I'll end up living next door to myself." (Tom Robbins)

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

"When in doubt, do without." (Hofni Samuel)

"Disconnecting from change does not recapture the past. It loses the future." (Kathleen Norris)

"Life is too short for traffic." (Dan Bellack)

"For when the One Great Scorer comes
To write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost -
But how you played the game."
(Grantland Rice)

[with my thanks to The Quotations Page]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." (Hodding Carter Jr.)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Monday Groaners

We saw Mom this weekend. She looks frail, spent, and ready for her promotion to the Afterlife. But she doesn't act like it, and the Hospice nurse says her vitals are strong, but she could have been putting up a brave front for family. So we will see what we will see, in the end.

Meanwhile, the weather here has been typically Michiganish. In the 40s on Friday, the 60s on Saturday, the 80s yesterday, back to the 60s today, and the forecast calls for dipping down into the 50s for the rest of the week.

No spotlight link for you today, sorry. (There are a few down below, though.) I did finish editing some of the marvelous photos my wife took of our trip to Chicago but ran out of time to upload them to my website and write captions. Look for them later this week.

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MORE MONDAY GROANERS

I knew of a baby born in France and raised only on goose liver spread. He was paté trained.

There was a real estate agent in our town who had trouble finding homes to sell. So he switched to selling undeveloped property. Now he has lots.

Some people are overweight in just their torso. Others carry extra pounds on their backside. Some bear fatty tissue on their arms and legs. It just goes to prove that the lard works in mysterious ways.

A pile of old bones was discovered in an abandoned lot. The police were called in and the coroner was tasked with figuring out who the bones belonged to and what had happened. Within a day the coroner reported that there was indeed *fowl* play. The bones all came from male turkeys - about six dozen of them - and they had perished from a deadly avian virus. Yes, they were 70 sick tom bones.

[selected from Jokemaster and retold by Mark Raymond]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: It's Irritable Bowel Syndrome Month. Really? It's National Poetry Month. It's National Inspirational News Week; try this. Check out National Library Week. Get it? Tomorrow is Be Kind to Lawyers Day. Tuesday is also Tax Freedom Day, the day when the average American has earned enough to pay annual tax obligations and the rest of what is made this year goes into his or her pocket.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Random Thoughts I, 2011

Here's something you haven't seen from me in awhile.

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RANDOM ACTS of THINKING, 2011
Part the First

He who laughs last also laughs first, if no one laughs in the middle.

I am not stupid. Everyone else is just smarter than me.

I hear that in Florida they use alligators to make handbags and shoes. It's amazing what they can train animals to do these days.

My friend Adam had a terrible cough. Someone asked if it was a productive cough. He replied, "Yes, it's exceeded all my expectorations." (Yeah, I groaned, too.)

Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Burning calories is too much work. I prefer to simmer them.

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Are piñatas victims of child abuse?

Mom says I would have made a good electrician because I spent most of my childhood grounded.

My oven has a button that says "Stop Time." It probably means "Stop Timer" but I don't touch it. Just in case.

I couldn't afford an engagement ring, so I bought her an engagement ringtone.

Do you think folk singers on death row are executed in the Acoustic Chair?

[manhandled, massaged, mended, mustered, and marketed from Mikey's Funnies, Wise & Aldrich, Pieces of Flair, Status Kings, Shoe, Randy Glasbergen, A Prairie Home Companion, and the mind of Mark Raymond]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: No matter what e-Reader you use (if you're using one at all), you can find a format to fit it - and just about any book you can imagine - at http://www.fictionwise.com/. You'll probably have to find it from a different source, but you can even load a reader onto your Smartphone - and I know a bunch of you use those - and download a format that will work so the next time you find yourself unexpectedly stuck in a line or a lobby, whip out your phone and read.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761