Don't Panic!

Google is making note today of what would have been the 61^st birthday of English humourist and author Douglas Adams, who is most famously known for his Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy series of books.

It started out as a trilogy: Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy was followed by The Restaurant At the End of the Universe and the story mostly finished up in Life, the Universe, and Everything. Only they sold so well, he added a *fourth* book to the trilogy, titled So Long and Thanks for All the Fish. (The title references the last thing said by dolphins before they left the planet. In the Hitchhiker Earth, mankind is only the third most intelligent species, being outsmarted by both dolphins and white mice.)

In the book, a race of beings built a super-computer that would give them the answer to "life, the universe, and everything." It said it would need seven-and-a-half million years. At the appointed time, it gave the answer (which I shall refrain from spoiling for you, though most everyone I know has already heard, such is the popularity of Adams' work). So then these beings built a *second* super-computer, a living experiment of a computer, to come up with the question to life, the universe, and everything, since they could make no sense out of the answer.

That second super-computer, posits Adams, was our Earth. When the scientists who created the Earth wanted to pop in and check up on their experiment, they appeared here as white mice.

The series is quite fun; Adams has a whimsical style of writing with a keen eye for sarcasm and the human condition, and as long as you don't take a word of it for gospel, I think you'd enjoy it. Today I'm going to feature several quotes from the book for your daily chuckle. (At least I hope you'll chuckle.)

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"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."

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The story follows the trail of sad-sack human Arthur Dent and his pal, Ford Prefect, who is from Betelguese, though Arthur does not find this out until later. Arthur is our way into the author's world, and he is often as amazingly perplexed as we would be.

In the novels, there actually is something called "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and it is a travel guidebook, of sorts, with the words DON'T PANIC emblazoned on the cover. Which, I hope, explains the title of today's post.

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Mark's Musings is published on a periodical basis - right now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - but that may change without notice. Find me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/baldmark. This blog is considered to be a digital periodical publication and is filed as such with the U.S. Library of Congress; ISSN 2154-9761. Don't forget your towel.

More Unique Book Titles

You've heard of the "Great American Novel," yes?

Here are fifty of them.

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MORE UNIQUE BOOK TITLES

"How to Make a Robot" by Anne Droyd

"Where Can I Find a Cure?" by Anita Remedy

"Cry Wolf!" by Al Armist

"Beekeeping" by A.P. Arry

"Parachuting" by Hugo First

"Armed Heists" by Robin Banks

"Off to Market" by Tobias A. Pigg

"Germ Warfare" by Mike Rohbes

"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Cloake

[selected from allowe.com]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Speaking of American, it's American Red Cross Month. It's National Color Therapy Month. It's National Frozen Food Month. It's Celebrate Your Name Week. Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, followed by Ash Wednesday, and then there's Parent-Teacher Conferences on Thursday, a band meeting, and -- oh, wait, that's *my* schedule, not yours.

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Alternative Definitions

I'm happy to announce that Scrabble^® lovers can now use words such as "turducken," "defriend," and "vuvuzela" in your game playing, because the folks at the Oxford Dictionary have added those and more than 2,000 others to their latest edition: The New Oxford American Dictionary.

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ALTERNATE DEFINITIONS

LECTURE: The art of transferring information from the notes of the one lecturing to the notes of the listeners - usually students - without passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said.

COMPROMISE: The art of slicing a cake in such a way everyone believes they received the biggest piece.

TEARS: The force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

CLASSIC NOVEL: A book which people praise, but seldom read.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.

ETC.: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.

FATHER: The banker that nature provides.

CRIMINAL: A person who is different from the rest of us only due to the fact he or she was caught.

DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills with pills but kills you with his bills.

[Colorado Comments; edited by Mark Raymond]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Tomorrow is International Read Comics In Public Day, and I urge you to do so. Comics are certainly still considered "low brow," but they encourage literacy in children, are an excellent way for missionaries to get the Gospel into the hands of people in foreign countries, and are cheaper than the movies while often providing some of the same thrills. So find a bench at the mall or a local park, and enjoy some sequential art. Read more about it at http://readcomicsinpublic.com/. You can find several "meet up" sites in a few large cities at the website.

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The Original

I love my Kindle e-reader. Right now it contains the Bible, a dictionary, three blogs I follow (including my own), and six novels (only one of which I'm reading; the other five are so I never run out). However, I also love hard-copy books, because in this matter, I'm a bit of a traditionalist, so I'm also reading a hardback novel, and two soft-cover books.

But, just as digital music is replacing CDs which replaced cassettes which replaced vinyl, and streaming video is replacing DVDs which replaced VHS videotapes, will the digital publishing evolution replace paperback books, which have pretty much replaced hard cover books?

Amazon thinks so. For the first time, digital downloads to the Kindle have outgrown hard copy book sales.

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A new monk has arrived at the monastery. He is assigned to a group of monks copying the old texts to new parchment by hand. He notices, however, that they are making a copy of a copy, and are not using the original text. He wonders about this and finally goes to see the Abbot. He points out that if there was a mistake when the very first copy was made, that mistake would then have been passed on to all of the other copies.

The Abbot replies, "We have been copying texts this way for over four centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the Abbot finally decides to check on this and goes down into the cellars with one of the current copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and no one has seen him or heard from him. Finally, one of the other monks sets off in search of the Abbot and climbs down into the cellar. Softly, from one of the farthest chambers, the monk can hear sobbing. He makes his way into the room and there, by candlelight, sits the Abbot, crying mournfully over one of the original scrolls.

"What's wrong?" the monk inquires.

The old Abbot sobs and says, "The word is 'celebrate!' "

[Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful." (Joshua 1:8)

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Hiding Place

Whether you shun the world of electronic publishing (eBooks) or embrace it and them, you have to admit it's a medium that seems here to stay.

And beginning July 4 and running for a month, you can download more than three-and-a-half million e-books, for free, at the World eBook Fair.

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In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in the Washington, DC area. Since I was in the city at the time, I decided, on a whim, to visit the statue and see if it really did contain the small niche the author had described.

To my great surprise, it did. And even better, a letter wrapped in cellophane was stuck inside the niche!

After only a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter, unwrapped it, then opened it. And then I burst into laughter.

An unidentified hand had penned, "Good book, wasn't it?"

[Basic Jokes]

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Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, an Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Still More Book Titles

All righty then, I'm not sure why they're called Tank Books, and I'm not entirely sure I like the concept, but they are unique and attention-grabbing.

Maybe someone could pick up a little second-hand literacy.

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MORE BOOKS AND AUTHORS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

How to Prevent Animal Poisoning, by Ann Thrax.

Droopy Drawers, by Lucy Lastic.

Irish Flooring, by Lynn O'Leum.

Do-It-Yourself Housing, by Bill Jerome.

Holmes Does It Again, by Scott Linyard.

The Most Famous Works of Leo Tolstoy, by Warren Peace.

French Cooking, by Sue Flay.

Wind in the Willows, by Russell N. Gleaves.

Springtime! by Theresa Green.

[with thanks to Monday Fodder via Wit and Wisdom]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television." (Andrew Ross)

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Mark's Musings can be read with an RSS Feed, over at Facebook on a Note, and via Amazon Kindle. Or by e-mail each weekday. You can be reading your own subscription by clicking here.

More Pratchett

I realized while thumbing through the entries on my Kindle today that I had bookmarked several passages from Terry Pratchett's latest Discworld offering, called "Unseen Academicals." Hope you enjoy the way he uses the language.

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MORE WIT AND WISDOM OF TERRY PRATCHETT

"There is a phrase 'neither flesh nor fowl nor good red herring.' This thing was all of them, plus some other bits of beasts unknown to science or nightmare or even kebab."

"Smeems handled this quite well in the circumstances, which included being so deeply at sea with that sentence that barnacles would be attracted to his underwear."

"She wasn't ugly. She might be called homely, perhaps, but it was quite a nice home, clean and decent and with roses round the door and a welcome on the mat and an apple pie in the oven."

"And sometimes she baked him a banana pie, which was a kind act. The Librarian was not very familiar with love, which had always struck him as a bit ethereal and soppy, but kindness, on the other hand, was practical. You knew where you were with kindness, especially if you were holding a pie it had just given you."

"The unofficial motto of the Lady Sybil Free Hospital was 'Not Everybody Dies.' "

"It has been said that crowds are stupid, but mostly they are simply confused, since as an eyewitness the average person is as reliable as a meringue lifejacket."

" 'Well said, miss,' he chuckled, as Glenda waited for the floor to open and swallow her. 'And I'm sure that remark came from the heart, because I suspect it could not have come from the head.' "

"She approached the door with the apprehension of one who is certain that the moment she sets foot inside she will be charged five dollars a minute for breathing and then be held upside down and have all her wealth removed with a hook."

"The truth of the matter was that Juliet would look good in a sack. Somehow, everything she wore fit perfectly. Glenda, on the other hand, never found anything good in her size and indeed seldom found anything in her size. In theory, something should fit, but all she ever found was facts, which are so unbecoming."

"But, it was a funny thing: every day something happened that was important enough to be on the front page of the newspaper. She'd never bought it and seen a little sign that said 'Not much happened yesterday, sorry about that.' And tomorrow, wonderful though that picture was, it would be wrapping up fish and chips and everyone would have forgotten about it."

" 'Hmmm,' said Ponder. And it was quite a solid hmmm, possibly one you could moor a small boat to."

[selected from Unseen Academicals, written by Terry Pratchett]

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Hey, I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Okay, I got nuthin'. It's very late on a Friday, most of you won't get this until Saturday. Arrrgh. Sorry. I will say to watch for a special announcement on Monday, April 5.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. (Yawn). You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. Credits rule, credit taker-offers drool. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. (Double yawn).

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so." (Lord Chesterfield)

Crossword Clue

I'm probably biased, but my father is remarkable.

He is one of those people who can, quite literally, do just about anything he sets his mind to. He's artistic, he's a published poet, an ordained lay minister, and he's extremely good with his hands and tools, creating many handy gadgets and home aids from scratch with just wood, nails, glue, and a bit of ingenuity.

So he'll probably appreciate this.

50 years of Popular Science magazine. Online. For free.

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Sitting in a hospital waiting room, I watched a woman and her son. They were working a crossword puzzle together.

"Mom?" the boy asked, pointing to the puzzle. "What fits here?"

"It's man's best friend," Mom hinted, helpfully.

The boy thought a moment, then guessed, "Duct tape?"

["Life in These United States" from Reader's Digest Online]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Why are they called monkey wrenches? Do monkeys use them, too?

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Bulwer-Lytton Contest from 2009

I remembered the other day that this past fall I failed to post some of the winners from the annual Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest.

Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton penned the famous (or infamous) "It was a dark and stormy night," as the first line to a novel. This contest is for people who come up with their own "bad first lines" of a story. Here are my favorites.

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BULWER-LYTTON BAD FICTION CONTEST
2009

"How to best pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape." (Joe Wyatt, Texas)

"In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride." (Tony Alfieri, California)

"Darnell knew he was getting hung out to dry when the D.A. made him come clean by airing other people's dirty laundry; the plea deal was a new wrinkle and there were still issues to iron out, but he hoped it would all come out in the wash ... otherwise he had folded like a cheap suit for nothing." (Lynn Lamousin, Louisiana)

"Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from 'Lord of the Rings'." (Andrew Manoske, California)

"Using her flint knife to gut the two amphibians, Kreega the Neanderthal woman created the first pair of open-toad sandals." (Greg Homer, California)

"There were earthquakes in this land, terrible tsunamis that swirled flooding torrents of water throughout, and constant near-blizzard conditions, and not for the first time did Horatio Jones wish he did not live inside a snow globe." (Rich Buley-Neumar, New York)

"As always, that morning he awoke to the melodious sound of a stream of water cascading into a still pool, punctuated by several ominous silences -- and he could judge, by the length of the silences and the volume of the cascade, just how much of his three-year-old son's urine he would have to wade through to get to the sink." (David Pellicane, New Jersey)

[selected from San Jose State University's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest; beware - not all entries are family friendly]

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Not much going on this weekend. A little work, a little church, a little family. And that's pretty much my life.

I'll see you on Monday.

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: I haven't written anything about Haiti because, well, there is so much other coverage that there's no way I could do it justice. But let me just send you to http://tinyurl.com/yfs57b3, a list of agencies put together by MSNBC that are providing help, aid, support, and succor in the aftermath of that devastating earthquake.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. When in doubt, use a semi-colon; most people don't know what it means and it will make you look smart. You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits are naturally biodegradable and will eventually fade away over time. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. I'm glad more people seem to be reading my blog.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Be sincere, be brief, be seated." (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

More Tom Swifties

NOTE OF PERSONAL PRIVILEGE: Hey, my Dad's having surgery this morning. The injuries he sustained in their motor vehicle collision three years ago have finally reached the point where they need serious medical intervention. Please have a kind thought or a good prayer, and I bless you for that, one and all.

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I don't know if you can tell, but I read a lot. I think I must get it from my parents, who have nearly insulated their home with shelves of books. If the place ever caught fire, it would burn for days.

I mostly read science fiction, though I do read literature of other stripes - theology, productivity, contemporary fiction, biographies, etc. But no matter what you like, you're bound to find something on this list.

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A FEW MORE TOM SWIFTIES

"So you think you can break this code?" Tom asked cryptically.

"Blow on the fire ... it will burn better!" he bellowed.

"I hope Sarge doesn't catch me AWOL," Tom thought absently.

"I was just in the dorm rooms; no one's bed is made" Sally complained in a blanket statement.

"I *will* get that transfer to the Canine Corps," Tom said doggedly.

"I'm re-reading the second Gospel," Tom remarked.

"Halt! Who goes there?" he inquired guardedly.

"You, my friend, are losing your hair," Tom said baldly.

"Thank you for shredding the cheese," said Sally gratefully.

"This will be the toughest exam of your year," the professor attested.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on the Military, and JokeMaster]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts." (2 Corinthians 3:2-3)

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Life's Little Instructions

At one point in my life - and this, I should say, is still on my to-do list - I thought I would jot down "Everything I Know About the World" so my children (and their children, presumably) would have something to not only remember me by, but to ponder and perhaps even live by. I suppose this is one reason why I started writing a blog several years back.

Well, a gentleman named Walker Lamond has more or less beaten me to the punch. He has just published a book based on his blog, "1001 Rules for My Unborn Son." There are about 400 published at the blog and, frankly, most of them are pretty good advice for just about everyone.

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SOME of LIFE'S LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS

Sing in the shower.

Never refuse homemade brownies.

Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.

Compliment three people every day.

Floss your teeth.

Overtip the waitress. Most of them work harder than you ever will.

Use the good silver.

Sing in a choir.

Don't expect life to be fair.

Count your blessings.

[written by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions." (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

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Many, many posts ago I featured a "Life's Little Joys" and a "Life's Little Nuisances" theme that were written by all of us together. I'm feeling like maybe it's time for you to send me "Life's Little Rules" that you try to live by. I'll feature them in my Friday post on November 6, if I receive enough.

Mark's Musings is on an RSS Feed and also available via e-mail each weekday. Get your own subscription - it's free! - with a click here.

More Book Titles

I imagine the day will come when hardbound and paperback books will be found only at antique stores and yard sales. Probably not in our lifetime, but then again, perhaps. I am reading that there is set to be an "explosion" of Electronic Reading Devices, or "e-Readers" out this Christmas. More than three million of the things are predicted to be sold.

You know about Amazon's Kindle, which was the first mass market device. Best Buy sells one called the "iRex," which runs on Verizon's network. Sony is debuting its "Daily Edition" reader later this year, and Barnes & Noble just came out with their "Nook" reader, calling it "The World's Most Advanced eBook Reader."

I'm torn about this trend. In one way, these things make an enormous amount of sense, what with technology finally being able to keep up with it, and from the "green" conservation aspect ... if we're not publishing millions of pages, then how many more trees are being saved? But on the other hand, there's just nothing like holding a solid book in your hand, being able to highlight it if you like, or make notes in the margins. And it's kind of hard to let a friend borrow an e-book.

What are your thoughts? Click "Comment" and let our little community know.

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MORE BOOKS BY APPROPRIATE AUTHORS

"Register Your Invention" by Pat Tent.

"What to Do When You're Unemployed" by Anita Chob.

"The Burglar" by Robin Banks.

"You Can Play Like Benny Goodman" by Clara Nett.

"The Art of Fisticuffs" by Donny Brooke.

"Come On In" by Doris O. Penn.

"The Last Trip" by Paul Bearer.

"I Love Mathematics" by Adam Upp.

"It's Not a Guitar!" by Amanda Lynn.

"How to Fence In Your Herd" by Barb Dwyer.

[JokeMaster and several websites; editing by Mark Raymond]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...." (Hebrews 12:2)

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Marryin' the Librarian

A leading sleep specialist in England says that maybe couples should consider separate beds.

When it's time to get serious about your night's shut-eye, he says that maybe instead of rolling over to your own side of the bed, you should just toddle off down the landing to a whole different bed entirely.

I suspect that there are some couples who will be outraged by this suggestion ... and I suspect there are some other couples who will quietly admit that yes, maybe there's some merit to that idea.

I'll let you find the middle ground.

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I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and have a chat. Eventually he decided to start taking out the librarian instead of the books.

After 18 months of dating, he showed up at the library one day and began rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he refused to answer. Finally, he murmured, "Ah, here it is," and withdrew one of our rubber stamps from a bottom drawer.

Turning to me, he said, "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring, this will have to do," and he took the stamp and firmly pressed it against the back of my hand.

There, in bright red capital letters, I saw, "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."

[Ruth Chodrow, in Reader's Digest Online]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Sleep is no mean art; for its sake, one must stay awake all day." (Friedrich Nietzsche)

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More Short Books

And if you're reading this, we've successfully put two-thirds of the year behind us.

134 years ago today a man was born who would be intrigued by the work of Charles Darwin and wondered what would happen if a tribe of apes adopted a human baby.

Edgar Rice Burroughs' went on to create "Tarzan," a wildly popular series of novels that were turned into more than 40 movies and mass merchandise the likes of bathing suits, chewing gum, ice cream, and even bread.

The first Tarzan movie - a silent film debuting in 1918 - was one of the first movies to gross more than a million dollars, and Burroughs' books have sold more than 100 million copies.

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MORE SHORT BOOKS

Burger King Menu Items Starting with "Mc"

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Fast and Efficient Windows Applications

Honesty in the White House

Household Uses for Plutonium

Ways to Cook Sushi

One-Legged Folk Dances

Sign Language for the Blind

Massage Techniques for Bears

Sylvester Stallone's Acting Tips

[selected from awpi.com]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement." (Alfred Adler)

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Short Books

I've taken a week off before, and I've certainly enjoyed some quiet moments with a good book during that time.

But I've never read *five* books on a vacation.

Yet that's just what they would have us believe President Barack Obama is doing this week.

Maybe he's just reading the first sentence of each paragraph...? Or maybe they're just really short books. Like these....

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SHORT BOOKS.
Short, *short* books.

1000 Years of German Humor

Code of Ethics for Attorneys

A Guide to Social Etiquette for Americans

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Gourmet Cooking with Tofu

Snorkeling in Norway

Famous Banjo Sonatas

A Bowler's Guide to Health and Fitness

[Net 153's Smile A Day with additions and edits by Mark Raymond]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody." (2 Corinthians 3:2)

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Mark's Musings comes on an RSS Feed and also via e-mail each weekday. Read your very own copy of this post by subscribing here! Facebook users, please click "View Original Post."

What I've Learned

The last day of July in a summer that's been very nice, indeed, so far. We've only had one week of insufferable heat and just enough rain to keep the grass growing.

One final reminder that there will be no e-mail version of Mark's Musings next week. I'm heading out of town on Tuesday for a convention and only want to worry about updating my blog. So the Great Blog Experiment begins. I'll be back in your Inbox on Monday, August 10.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE: "WHAT I'VE LEARNED"

Age 5: I've learned I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night."

Age 7: I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli, either.

Age 9: I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.

Age 12: I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.

Age 14: I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Age 15: I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.

Age 24: I've learned that silent company is more healing than words of advice.

Age 29: I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.

Age 30: I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

Age 44: I've learned that you can make someone's day by just sending them a little note.

Age 48: I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.

Age 50: I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

Age 51: I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights.

Age 52: I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet of pills.

Age 64: I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

Age 72: I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

Age 82: I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

Age 90: I've learned that every day you should touch someone. People love that human touch.

Age 92: I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

[selected from Pastor Tim's Illustrations, but seen all over the 'Net]

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You know, I'll bet this is a subject upon which my readers can do better. Send me what you've learned, and your age - don't worry, I won't reveal your name to anyone - and in a couple of weeks I'll publish a new batch.

And who knew the White House reads my blog? Or that they are so afraid of my staunch readership? Within one day of publishing the "Cash for Clunkers" links, the U.S. Government shut down the program because it was running out of money too fast. But hey, as I double-checked this on Friday afternoon, the House of Representatives is rushing to add another two billion so the program should be back in operation soon enough.

Goodness. I'll see you on Monday. At the blog and the blog only.

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Are you just about done with your summer reading list? Need one more book to carry you through to Labor Day? Try visiting http://www.randomhouse.com/modernlibrary/ and review their lists of 100 different books from individual genres. There's novels, nonfiction, editor-recommended, reader-recommended, and others.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday - EXCEPT FOR NEXT WEEK - using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure those folks are certified by Habeas to be a safe sender of e-mail. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and otherwise pleasantly click your mouse at my web site. To contact me and sooner or later get a reply, click here. My wife told me to stop trying to be funny and just upload the post, already, so nothing goofy in this space. Sorry. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. I don't care so much that I get credit for this work but the credits do impart some important information. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. And the road goes ever on.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation." (Robert Gilbert)

Bait

Welcome to the second half of 2009.

July is "National Read An Almanac" month.

So I would be remiss if I didn't point you in this direction.

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My husband Ed and our grandson, Eddy, were digging up a corner of my garden one fine Saturday morning, on the hunt for bait so they could go fishing.

Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy held it up proudly for his Grandpa to see.

"No, Eddy, that won't do," says Ed, "he's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" asked Eddy, eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[Smile A Day Humor]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Who does the editing on those TV fishing shows? How do they determine what's too boring to show?

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Science Fiction for Children?

If you're over 50 and have dabbled in writing science fiction, fantasy or folk stories, an organization called the "Speculative Literature Foundation" wants to give you a $750 grant.

The organization's goal is to keep good, quality literature of the "fantastic" available to the public and the non-profit also helps small press companies and magazines.

I can't say I've read every excerpt available on the site, so beware of things that may not be family friendly, but I wanted to let you know about the opportunity.

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IF THEY WROTE SCIENCE FICTION BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

Soylent Green Eggs and Ham

Horton Hears Dr. Who

How the Cylons Stole Christmas

Fahrenheit 451 (or How I Learned Not to Touch the Stove When It's Red)

Where the Wild Klingons Are

Curious George and the Man with the Yellow Light Saber

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Science Fiction]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: My wife wants to know from where we get the phrase, "play it by ear." All of my etymology resources cannot pinpoint the first use of this phrase, but its original meaning described a person who could hear a melody or a song and reproduce it on a musical instrument without the benefit of having the sheet music in front of him or her. I am able to do this on a somewhat limited basis myself. Music, like so many things, is related to math. There are only so many combinations of chord changes and once you've played most of them long enough, you know what they sound like and can play along with a melody without needing the sheet music, as long as you have a good memory. A more contemporary usage of the phrase now refers to being spontaneous and improvising actions on the spot. As in, "I don't know what we'll do once we catch them in the act ... we'll have to play it by ear." Sorry I couldn't find anything more definitive, honey.

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Books and School

Turns out we're in the middle of "Read An E-Book Week."

You can download an e-Book onto your computer, your laptop, your web-enabled cell phone, or any one of the half dozen or so electronic reading devices, such as Amazon's Kindle.

It can't beat the pleasure of holding the book in your hands or the feel of the paper, but it will reduce your carbon footprint and that's at least one positive.

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WHY STUDENTS ARE HARD TO TEACH

Teacher: Who is your favorite author?
Student: George Washington.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student: Exactly.

Teacher: Tell the class what book you read.
Student: Black Beauty.
Teacher: Now tell the class what it was about.
Student: It was about 120 pages.

Teacher: Why are you drawing a picture in your American Revolution textbook?
Student: I'm making my mark on history.

Mother: How come you never bring any books home?
Son: Mom, they're called "school" books, not "home" books.

Student: You know the only thing worse than having to take school books home?
Teacher: What?
Student: Having to open them once I get there.

Son: Dad, my teacher says I need to get an encyclopedia.
Father: Nonsense. You can walk to school just like I did.

[selected from schooljokes.com]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read at all." (attributed to Mark Twain, paraphrased)

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Real Book Titles

Well, it was sunny yesterday, but with a cold, bitter wind that made you want to dash inside and bundle up as soon as you could. So is that March coming in like a lamb or like a lion?

Meanwhile, today is the National Education Association's "Read Across America" Day, where families all over the country are invited to read a book together out loud.

The event began 12 years ago and they picked March 2 because it's the birthday of Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. At the NEA website linked above, you can download free digital versions of his books to read to your kids or grandkids, and there are also links to look in on other activities scheduled for your state.

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REAL, HONEST-TO-GOSH BOOK TITLES
Really! Google These Titles If You Don't Believe Me -- MR

Well Read and Dead: A High Society Mystery

Hi, I'm Bill and I'm Old

Vampire A Go-Go

Can't Remember What I Forgot

Unbelievably Good Deals and Great Adventures That You Absolutely Can't Get Unless You're Over 50

Requiem for a Paper Bag

Fifty is Not a Four-Letter Word

How to Fossilize Your Hamster And Other Amazing Experiments for the Armchair Scientist

The Writing on My Forehead

Two Cats and the Woman They Own

Mona Lisa's Pajamas

If You Give a Mom a Martini: 100 Ways to Find 10 Blissful Minutes for Yourself

The Bases Were Loaded (and So Was I)

[Book Fare via Reader's Digest Online]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: The Latin word "ludus" meant game, or play. When something funny happened, or an event amused people, it reminded them of the pleasure they received from watching a sporting event, so they acquainted a pratfall, say, with something they'd seen on the field of sports, and before long such silly things that made them laugh were called "ludicrous."

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