Helicopter Wind

So let's say you're flying over the Atlantic Ocean in your private jet, when suddenly you realize you're low on fuel and need to land quickly. What do you do?

Well, if you're rich enough, you make arrangements for your own personal aircraft carrier to meet you. The British Royal Navy just happens to have one for sale.

Too rich for your blood? Maybe you'd be interested in something from our Naval Destroyer Class vessels, also on sale.

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{Note from Mark - as a postal employee, today's "joke" hit home and emphasized, still, the importance of hard copy mail.}

As a Navy helicopter pilot, I often had to make at-sea transfers to ships steaming alongside our aircraft carrier, the USS Intrepid.

The wind's direction is very important to helicopters hovering above the receiving vessel, and since the ships normally steam in formation, it isn't easy to get the duty officers on board to alter their courses in order to create favorable wind conditions.

I learned that the secret to getting the ships to move was to announce, "We have mail aboard for you."

The *immediate* response would be, "Where would you like your wind?"

[Robert E. Allison, from "Humor in Uniform" via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: "The waves lapped the shore in a soft undulant motion." There's a deceptive word ... the "un" at the beginning makes you think the root word was "dulant," but this word actually comes from the Latin word "unda," which meant wave. It means anything that has a wave-like motion, a softly moving to and fro.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Bad Seats

It's my annual fantasy baseball weekend, where two of my three teams will hold their all day drafts and auctions. This year I'm pretty much flying by the seat of my pants as I haven't had time to do my usual player research, so we'll see how much baseball lore and knowledge I've soaked up over the years. Should be fun!

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SIGNS YOU'VE GOT LOUSY SEATS AT THAT SPORTING EVENT

The guy selling concessions in your section is a Sherpa.

The Goodyear blimp keeps blocking your view.

You got there early, but by the time you reach your seat, the rest of the crowd is doing the seventh inning stretch.

You hear the crack of the bat just as you see the batter rounding second base.

You'd call your buddy behind home plate to see how he's doing but when you got to your section your phone went into Roaming.

Your view is so obstructed your tickets came with a pocket radio so you could listen to the game.

"Supplemental oxygen! Git yer ice cold, supplemental oxygen right here!"

[Chris White's Top Five on Sports with edits and additions by Mark Raymond]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: As the parent of a teenage driver whose cell phone is never far from her hand, I'm loving http://www.zapmytext.com/. The cost is $4.99 per month ($49.99 if you pay annually, saving ten bucks), but if that child's phone is moving faster than 10 miles per hour, the application will block all texts, e-mails, and Internet browsing. You can add "safe" phone numbers for them to contact, and they can still call 911, and there are plans to add up to three phones if you have more than one child.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Reunion

Here's one of those sites you can file under "We Are All Together Smarter Than Just One Of Us Alone."

And here's the parent site, which ain't bad, neither.

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I swept my fellow classmates with a critical eye, taking note of all the men in their expensive suits tailored over bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact I now weighed just five more pounds than I did in high school - mostly the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm - I leaned over and whispered to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore at graduation."

My wife also gave the crowd a discerning look and then whispered back, "You're the only guy who has to."

[with thanks to Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: Wisdom preserves those who have it." (Ecclesiastes 7:12)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Gideon

Just in time for those Easter baskets.

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One day in junior church, I taught about the Bible character Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked if anyone remembered last week's Bible hero. No hands went up.

"Okay," I said, "I'll give you a clue. He fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets."

Still no response.

"Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn of God's will," I said.

Ten little blank faces stared up at me.

"One final clue," I pleaded. "There are people today who call themselves by the same name of our hero, and they go around putting Bibles in hotel rooms."

The hand of one eight-year old eagerly shot up.

"Oh! Oh!" he cried out, "It was Hilton!"

[Davy Troxel, from "Kids of the Kingdom" in New Christian Reader via Your Weekly Church Laughs]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Gideon had an intrepid faith. "Intrepid" is one of those Latin words modified by adding the "in" to the front, which implies the opposite of the back half of the word. In this case, "trepidus" was Latin for worry, or alarm; adding "in" means you're not worried, and unalarmed. Over the years, context has added the meaning of "unshaken," or "undaunted." On a side note, when I was in college I wrote and produced a science fiction radio theater called "The Intrepid Adventures." Yeah, it was a blatant rip off of the Star Trek concept, but they had gone off the air and had not yet returned in movie form, so we were filling a cultural gap. At least that's the story we went with.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Welcome Back Groaners

Oh my goodness, what a week.

As soon as the deadlines were done last week, I whisked my bride away on a secret surprise five-day trip to Chicago to celebrate her milestone birthday. We attended a taping of NPR's "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me," went to the Art Institute, the Sky Deck at Willis Tower, the Field Museum of Natural History, Navy Pier, walked a good chunk of "The Magnificent Mile," dined 95 stories above the city at the Hancock Building, took in Shedd Aquarium, and spent a fun-filled day with some of our best friends. And I have a new appreciation for Amtrak.

But now it's back to post and back to work tomorrow. I haven't said anything about it yet, but Japan will need our help for quite some time. Yahoo! is providing some decent resource links for us.

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SOME WELCOME BACK GROANERS

When my son was small, his teacher told him the human body was made up of mostly water. He couldn't go to the bathroom for almost a week!

"Melanie says I take everything too literally."
"What makes her say that?"
"Her brain and her mouth."

Did you hear about the cat burglars who broke into the theater that was running a popular Broadway play? They stole the props, the costumes, the scripts, the curtains, the lighting, even the makeup! Other thiefs gave them a standing ovation, because they really stole the show.

A farmer's son married the neighboring farmer's daughter. At the ceremony, instead of lighting a unity candle, they each poured a little cream from their respective dairies into the same bowl. You could say they were cream-mated.

After months of digging in Norway, the archeological team finally uncovered an ancient statue of Thor, god of thunder in Norse mythology. It was a magnificent sight, and there where Thor's eyes would normally be, sat two giant rubies. Well, both archeologists involved in the dig, of international renown, vowed that each would have their name associated with the finding of such giant gems. The argument turned ugly, and soon the two men were at each other, tooth and nail. The fight lasted for hours. When the dust cleared, both archeologists were lying flat in the dirt, unconscious. One worker turned to the other and said, "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

[retold from the originals in JokeMaster]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Learn to say 'no.' It will be of more use to you than being able to read Latin." (Charles Spurgeon)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Post #1,000: The Drummer

Gentlefolk, I find myself mired in deadline upon deadline so the post may be a bit spotty this week.

Yesterday was Pi Day. I put a video up on my blog about what Pi would sound like. (Down below.)

And that's pretty significant for my blog, because it's the *one thousandth* post I've written for this medium.

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As a nightclub owner, I had hired a drummer and a piano player to entertain my customers. After several evenings of performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was subsequently hauled off to jail.

Desperate for another drummer on short notice, I called a friend who knew some musicians.

"What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

There was a pause on the other end of the phone.

"How badly did he play?"

[Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest via ChapNotes]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Music is the literature of the heart; it commences where speech ends." (Alphonse de Lamartine)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Late Night Quips

Hey, for those of you who live in states that observe Daylight Savings Time ... that starts this weekend. "Spring Ahead" one hour before you go to bed Saturday.

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MORE LATE NIGHT QUIPS

"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they previously thought was extinct. They say the dolphin is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce." (Conan O'Brien)

"A new study found that women's faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife." (Jimmy Fallon)

"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here are honor students. 'Yes, your honor; no, your honor; not guilty, your honor." (David Letterman)

"A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap water in the country. California officials insist that the dirty water is fine as long as you chew it thoroughly." (Conan O'Brien)

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in the overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." (Conan O'Brien)

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." (Jay Leno)

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top secret name 'Microsoft Windows'." (Conan O'Brien)

[selected from Joe's Clean Laffs and about.com]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Kellogg's Cereal wants to share breakfast with one million kids who aren't getting it right now and their goal is to do that by this fall, and we can help. How? Tell 'em what you had for breakfast at http://shareyourbreakfast.com/. Or better yet, show 'em by uploading a pic. For every one of us who participates, another breakfast is shared.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Lemon Signs

For my job with the Postal Service, I drive a company car. A lot. Up to six hours on an occasional day.

Which means I put a lot of gas into the vehicle. Which means I am acutely aware of gas prices, and their extreme volatility. Consumer Reports wonders if the time is right to bring back the '70s and lower the national speed limit once again to 55 m.p.h. They say it would save about 100 *billion* barrels of oil each year.

What say you?

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MORE SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A LEMON

The "Check Engine" light now says, "Hi. Me Again."

The Auto Dealer sticker on the back has been removed.

You begin to get e-mails from eBay people asking when you'll be selling the parts.

You notice a tow truck parked on the street near your house. As you leave for work in the morning, you see that it silently falls in behind you.

[selected from Mikey's Funnies]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way." (Proverbs 4:14-16)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Words Behind You

So what are you doing for Lent this year?

I'd really like to know. Are you giving something up? Doing something extra? Adding a little something? Investing in a new routine or spiritual focus? Hit the "Comment" link below.

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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR BEHIND YOU IN CHURCH

"The pastor looks really cute today."

"Dude, I'm gonna hafta call you back; we're about to pray or something."

"Booooooooooo!!!"

"Mommy, my tummy doesn't feel goo----urrgle." (Followed by splashing sound.)

"Hey, there, ladies -- nice Bibles. You come here often?"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz...."

"He's good, but he's no Rick Warren."

"You think they'll mind if I use the offering basket to break a five?"

"Dang it! I grabbed my Bhagavad-Gita by mistake. My Message Bible is still in the Prius next to my yoga mat."

"I can't see the pulpit. The guy in front of me has a melon that would show up on Google Earth."

[selected from "The Sacred Sandwich" blog]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: "Lent" is short for Lenten, which comes from the Old English word for Spring: lencten. The reference to that part of the calendar between Ash Wednesday and Easter is peculiar to English. (Lencten comes from a long line of other, odder words that have to do with days and daylight, and probably refer to the lengthening time of daylight during the Spring season.)

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Mark's Musings whispers to an RSS Feed, speaks assertively to a Facebook Note, is sold through the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and confidently arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Fat Tuesday Names

Did you get your paczki eaten today?

I hope you enjoyed Shrove Tuesday and are now prepared for Lent to begin.

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ALTERNATE NAMES FOR "FAT TUESDAY"

Big-Boned Tuesday

Low Carb Tuesday

People Want to See Way Too Much for Plastic Beads Day

The Day Before I Call In Sick

[selected - with family friendly edits - from myhyena.com]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Lent is a time for trimming the soul and scraping the sludge off a life turned slipshod." (Sister Joan Chittister)

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Mark's Musings is baked for an RSS Feed, tasted on a Facebook Note, sold through the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢) and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Unique Book Titles

You've heard of the "Great American Novel," yes?

Here are fifty of them.

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MORE UNIQUE BOOK TITLES

"How to Make a Robot" by Anne Droyd

"Where Can I Find a Cure?" by Anita Remedy

"Cry Wolf!" by Al Armist

"Beekeeping" by A.P. Arry

"Parachuting" by Hugo First

"Armed Heists" by Robin Banks

"Off to Market" by Tobias A. Pigg

"Germ Warfare" by Mike Rohbes

"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Cloake

[selected from allowe.com]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Speaking of American, it's American Red Cross Month. It's National Color Therapy Month. It's National Frozen Food Month. It's Celebrate Your Name Week. Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, followed by Ash Wednesday, and then there's Parent-Teacher Conferences on Thursday, a band meeting, and -- oh, wait, that's *my* schedule, not yours.

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Mark's Musings is served on an RSS Feed, ladled into a Facebook Note, poured into the Amazon Kindle and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Sorry.

Life (and the need for sleep) has been getting in the way of doing a post these past few days. I apologize for this momentary interruption in service and hope to return to my regular weekday schedule next week.

--Mark

Help for the Hurt

ERRATA: D'oh! List member George J. correctly pointed out that *any* 31-day month in which Friday is the first will have five full weekends. 823 years, my eye! That'll learn me to take other bloggers at face value. My apologies for this fact-checking failure.

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In my mind, Spring begins today. Spring Training games are in full swing down in Florida and Arizona, I resume my walking program today, and the temperatures here are slowly rising.

However, even though I'd like to believe it's Spring, the calendar says that season's beginning is still three weeks away. And in betwixt hither and yon are likely to be some pretty cold days and some pretty nasty weather.

So why not download some hearty soup, stew, and chowder recipes from The Old Farmer's Almanac?

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A small girl who had spent most of the day playing outside came up to her Mommy late one afternoon and said, "Mommy, my tummy hurts."

"That's because it's empty," Mom replied. "You have to put something in it." So she fixed up a nice warm bowl of soup with crackers for her daughter.

Later that week their pastor and his wife came over for dinner and during the after dinner conversation, the pastor winced, touched his hand to his head and explained that he'd had a terrible headache all day and his head was still hurting.

And right on cue, the little girl piped up and said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something in it."

[with thanks again to Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." (Neil Postman)

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Mark's Musings is served on an RSS Feed, ladled into a Facebook Note, poured into the Amazon Kindle and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761