Lewis Grizzard

It's the birthday of humorist Lewis Grizzard, a man who made fun of his southern roots, married several times, did speaking tours, recorded CDs, and wrote a column that was syndicated to 450 newspapers. He passed away in 1994 but there is currently a tribute show written by his last wife and manager touring the country. His books - with titles such as, "They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat" and "Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny ... You Know Them Taters Got Eyes" - remain on sale.

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THE WIT AND WISDOM OF LEWIS GRIZZARD

"I don't think I'll get married again. Every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

"I am the only person from Moreland, Georgia, who ever made the New York Times Bestseller List. I am the only person from Moreland, Georgia, who ever *heard* of the New York Times Bestseller List."

"If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi."

"I don't have any out-of-body experiences. I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a K-Mart tire sale."

"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."

"There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago."

"Nobody ever knew exactly how much Cordie Mae weighed, but her daddy used to say, 'If I could get $1.25 a pound for that child, I could pay off my truck.' "

"A kid knocked over my beer with a frisbee at the beach once. I threatened him with a lawsuit and then put this curse on him: 'May your voice never change and your zits win prizes at county fairs.' "

"If brains were all that important in a beauty contest, you could enter wearing a Hefty Bag."

"In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on ... and you're up to somethin'!"

"You can't perfume a hog."

"You know why they call it golf, don't you? Because all the good four-letter words were already taken."

[selected from The Anti-Orange Page]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Yesterday my daughter was wondering about the phrase, "clean as a whistle" and what it meant, because a whistle is, you know, anything but clean. Well, let's start with the fact that before the word clean came to mean "free from dirt," it meant "completely, or absolutely," as in, "the tornado blew the roof of the house clean off." And then think about the stories where a loud whistle could cut clean through a crowd, as in the hubbub of chatter in a saloon, or a gathering of any sort ... and "clean as a whistle" means anything that is particularly attention-getting, or noticeable. Which, in this day and age, something very free from dirt can be, in fact.

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