Dieting Rules

So I think I forgot to tell you what happened with my audition for "The Biggest Loser: Detroit Edition."

They didn't pick me. They chose these six people.

But I decided to go ahead and do it on my own. I'm calling it, "The Biggest Loser: Personal Edition." The first week I gained a pound. Not so promising. But the second week I lost six pounds. I'm well into my third week. Perhaps one of these weekends I'll blog about it.

But pick one of those people above, root for 'em and pick up on some nifty weight loss tips and techniques while you're at it.

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8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DIETING

#1-Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are in the presence of cheesecake.

#2-There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful -- so perhaps experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around hungry all the time, so you're in luck.

#3-Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs.

#4-Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on foot, even to the drive-through windows. We were scavengers then, feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood and then steal and eat what they pull out of trash cans. You'll lose weight!

#5-Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty logical to me.

#6-Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical things like use the television remote. To lose weight, consider alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power.

#7-My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too, though I don't want to be the first one to try it.

#8-Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with enough food the first time around.

[written by Bruce Cameron]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: One of my favorite Monty Python bits is the one where an intellectual goes into a cheese shop, only to find ... well, I won't ruin it for you, but the sketch begins with the customer saying, "I was sitting in the public library over on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through a copy of 'Rogue Harrys' by Hugh Walpole, when suddenly I became a bit esurient." The word means hungry, or even greedy. It's from Latin, of course, with the root word being "edere" (to eat) and modified to "esurire," which means "to be hungry."

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