Doctor vs. Pastor

Earlier this week list member Diane S. sent me an e-mail about working at the Indie Spirit Film Festival which her son and two of his friends founded. She particularly enjoyed a film about "The Nature of Existence" and at their website you can see many short films about that topic.

The one that grabbed me was a short about Larry Van Pelt, who was just a regular guy until one night he had a dream in which he saw Jesus with everyday folks as they went about their business (I put the 3-minute video below). He didn't know anything about drawing, but he was inspired to learn.

What he has created can now be found here.

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YOUR DOCTOR VS. YOUR PASTOR

Your doctor says, "Please disrobe" and you do so without complaint.
Your pastor urges you to dress modestly and you think he's getting too personal.

Your doctor charges enormous fees but you keep going back to him.
Your pastor preaches that you should pay your tithes and you leave the church.

Your doctor inquires about your weight and you discuss the issue.
Your pastor asks how much you pray and you tell him it's none of his business.

Your doctor prescribes a nasty-tasting pill and you take it.
Your pastor feeds you the Word and you refuse to hear it.

Your doctor advises you to change your lifestyle in order to lower your blood pressure.
Your pastor urges you to change your lifestyle and it raises your blood pressure.

Your doctor says you need more tests and you schedule them.
Your pastor says we need more prayer meetings and Bible studies but you're too busy.

Your doctor says there's no help for you but you search high and low for another answer.
Your pastor says "God can help you" and you give up, saying "there's no hope for me."

To your doctor, you're just another customer.
To your pastor, you're a friend and part of the family.

[with thanks to Dave Aufrance and his Monday Fodder]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Pray continually." (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

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Three minutes with Larry Van Pelt:

Fast Time

Ever wonder what the future might look like?

Though I'm not a reader of it, apparently "Wired" Magazine has published for years a fun little feature called "Found," which appears to be a whimsical Photoshop picture of things in the future. Though the anticipated arrival dates of these items are probably quite a bit off, they're still fun to look at, imagine, and even say quietly to yourself, "Yes, I can actually see that happening...."

My favorite is the "Smart Diaper."

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REASONS TIME GOES FASTER AS WE AGE

As you move more slowly, Time gets fed up with waiting and hurries on without you.

I'm still working on the theory, but it involves neutrinos and back hair.

As our personal agility and speed decrease, the relative speed of everything else increases. I call this The Codger Principle.

You always move faster going downhill, right?

It's not so much that Time is speeding up, you're just missing so much more of life now that you're in the bathroom so much.

[Chris White's Top Five on Science with family-friendly edits and rewrites by Mark Raymond]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If there were no last minutes, would ANYTHING get done?

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Sin Sick

List member Lavonne T. says you folks may want to know more about my new job within the Postal Service. It's easy to envision what I used to do, which was work the counter line at the retail window, basically selling stamps and mailing boxes (oh, so much more, but that's all behind me).

I now work for the Statistical Programs Unit as a "Data Collection Technician." My job is to take random samplings of the mailstream (what's in it, how much was paid for it, what does it look like, etc.), random samplings of what random employees are doing each day, and random samplings of how the mail is transported and how much space is being used up on that transport vehicle.

My daughter would love this job. She's totally into the word "random."

Anyway, when combined with random samplings from our other 35,000 locations across the country, it generates a big data picture of our business costs ... and ultimately leads to figuring out how much we need to charge for stamps and other mailing fees. I'll be doing a lot of driving all over the "thumb" area of Michigan, collecting data from nearly 60 post offices, once I'm fully trained. For the moment, I'm trying to climb a steep learning curve, but I'm already enjoying the challenge.

And speaking of generating big picture data, the Geography Department at Kansas State University has used what they call a "precision party trick - rigorous mapping of ridiculous data" to create a national map of where the Seven Deadly Sins lurk.

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My seven-year-old daughter, Jessica, is a deep thinker when it comes to theological questions. Recently we discussed why bad things happen sometimes, re-reading the story of Adam and Eve and how sin came into the world.

Later that week, Jessica was ill and had to stay home from school. Feeling miserable, she told me: "If only Adam and Eve hadn't eaten the fruit, I wouldn't be sick."

Before I could address this complaint, she added, "Of course, if they didn't eat it, we'd be sitting here naked."

["Kids of the Kingdom" in Today's Christian magazine via Your Weekly Church Laughs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is hurtful." (Benjamin Franklin)

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More Jewish Buddha

Just got back home from the first day in the new office. I am going to LOVE this job!

But I didn't have time to find a link for you, so just the joke today.

List member Gavin H. found a bit more wisdom from the Jewish Buddha, to follow up on Friday's post. Thanks, Gavin!

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MORE WIT AND WISDOM FROM THE JEWISH BUDDHA

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your begging bowl and the clothes on your back ... unless, of course, you have wardrobe space.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Also be aware that not every little cough is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Buddha teaches we should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it be a crime to find a sentient being who happens to be Jewish? I ask you.

Be patient and you'll achieve all things. Be impatient and you'll achieve some things faster.

Though only your skin and bones remain; though your blood dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small claims court.

[from lifesupporters.com with edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: The Old English word "cennan" meant "to declare, or to make known" ... the hard "c" sound made its way into Middle English as the word "kennen." We know it as the word "ken," meaning perception, understanding, or knowledge. As in, "I can only imagine what Heaven must be like. The reality is far beyond my ken."

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Jewish Buddha

Well, my friends, I witnessed the end of another chapter in my life last night. After four-and-a-half years of working in retail sales at the window counter for the Postal Service I closed out my cash drawer for the last time Thursday evening. You see, I recently interviewed for and was awarded a job in the Data Collection department which will start on Monday.

It will be better for me in many ways that are too boring to go into details about here, and it may also have an impact on my post publishing schedule, so I'm telling you about it. Instead of sending out the post in the wee hours of the morning, it may end up being sent out in the heat of the afternoon (Eastern Standard Time ... it may arrive late at night or even the next day for my international readers). We'll see how I adjust to the new work schedule. If I plan things right, you may not even notice a difference.

Coincidentally, the new job begins on the 24th anniversary of my employment with the USPS. Two milestones with one flip of a calendar page.

But enough about me, on with today's post. Some of you may have seen this as I suspect it's been around for awhile, and I did some research but could not find the original author. Please let me know if you do.

It was forwarded to me by list member and bandmate Kerry M., and it's a delightful answer to the question: "What happens when Oriental wisdom meets the wisdom of Old Testament people?"

Enjoy.

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THE WIT AND WISDOM OF THE JEWISH BUDDHA

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; and with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

The Torah says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." The Buddha says, "There is no self." So ... maybe we're off the hook?

[submitted by list member Kerry M; some small edits by Mark Raymond]

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Well, it's time for the second Men's Conference in Lansing for which my band is providing the music. Plus it's time to get another union newsletter done. Plus the new job on Monday. One good thing about all this is I never have to worry about having nothing to do.

Hey, I'll see you on Monday. Probably no blog entries this weekend. We'll see.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Wall Stats has published a gigantic poster of the 2009 U.S. Federal Budget, with breakouts by department and project of where all our hard-earned money is being spent. I found the easiest version to use at http://www.linkydinky.com/images/budgetgraphics.jpeg. Click anywhere on the poster you want to see enlarged. Click again to zoom out. The amazing thing - at least to me - is that every figure listed has the word "billion" next to it. Wow.

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Mark's Musings is sent using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure those folks are certified by Habeas to be a safe sender of e-mail. That means you can trust what I send. And I promise never to send spam or give your address to anyone who will. Cross my heart. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and otherwise click your day away at my web site. (There are years of archival jokes and links, for instance, and at least three years of "Web Sites of the Week" to browse. More to come, one day.) If you need to change your e-mail address or you're all mused out and need to unsubscribe, use the "Change Subscription" or "Cancel Subscription" links at the very bottom of this page, but click with care, please. To contact me and sooner or later get a reply, click here. Mark Raymond is 100% biodegradable. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. And not just emotionally. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring it all up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. No electrons were harmed during the production of this post, though a few were severely inconvenienced.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "I would like to start from scratch. Where is scratch?" (Elias Cannetti)

Seat Sacrifice

G. Armour Van Horn in his "Quotes of the Day" post reminds us that it is National Volunteer Week.

And that brings me to The Giraffe Heroes Project.

The website features people who are "sticking their neck out" (get it?) to improve their community and the world.

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[Okay, it's not really a story about volunteerism in a "Giraffe Hero" kind of way, and it's slightly dated, but it does speak about volunteering of a different sort. -- MR]

My flight, and many others, due to the LAX airport closing, was canceled and I wound up spending the night in Baltimore. When I went to check in at the United counter the next morning, I saw a lot of soldiers home on leave from Iraq. Most were very young and all had their camouflage uniforms on.

Many people were stopping the troops to talk to them, asking them questions while they were waiting in the Starbucks line, or just saying, "Welcome home." In addition to all the other flights that had been canceled, the weather in Baltimore that morning was terrible and many more flights were getting backed up. So there were a lot of unhappy people in the terminal that day, but no one I saw gave the soldiers a hard time.

By the afternoon, our plane to Denver had been delayed for hours. United personnel kept asking for volunteers to give up their seat and grab a later flight. They weren't getting many takers. Finally, a United spokesperson got on the intercom and said, "Folks, as you can see, there are a lot of soldiers in the waiting area. They only have 14 days of leave and we are trying to get them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport than they have to. We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight, but if we can, we want to get them all on this flight. We want all the soldiers here to know that we respect what you are doing, we are here for you, and we love you."

At that, the entire gate area filled with cranky, tired, travel-weary people and all those nearby - a cross section of America - broke into sustained and heartfelt applause. The soldiers looked surprised and very modest. Most of them just looked at their boots. Many of us were wiping away tears.

And yes, people lined up to give up their seat and all the soldiers went to Denver on that flight.

[testimony from Will Ross, Administrative Law Judge via Wit and Wisdom; abridged by Mark Raymond. Story verified by Department of Defense here.]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." (Hebrews 13:16)

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Photo Touchup

For Earth Day, how about some pictures of places and things on Planet Earth?

The people who publish National Geographic have created what they call an "Infinite Photograph."

It's a whole series - seemingly never-ending - of photo mosaics. Those are pictures made up of other pictures. Click on an area of the first photograph to reveal a series of photo "tiles." Click again to see the whole "wall" of photos that make up those tiles. Clicking a third time brings those photos into high-definition clarity so you can choose which one you want to look at. Double-clicking on a photo at that point will bring up its details.

Single-clicking on the photo will bring it up larger ... and create the *next* photo mosaic. I clicked and clicked and clicked the other day and couldn't reach the end. Let me know how you fare.

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People don't like to look bad in their own photographs, which is why my husband - a professional photographer - gets a lot of requests asking him to retouch photos.

People want him to erase the crows-feet around their eyes, or lop off the love handles about their waist. That sort of thing.

I wasn't surprised when one customer, while looking at a proof of a family portrait my husband had recently shot asked him, "Can you take 30 pounds off of me?"

But then she added, "...and put it on my sister?"

[Reader's Digest All In A Day's Work via Ed Peacher's Laughter]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Does the film in a camera weigh more after a picture is taken?

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Trees

Tomorrow is Earth Day.

So many clicks at that site, so little time, I know....

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WITH APOLOGIES TO JOYCE KILMER

I think that I shall never see
An e-mail lovely as a tree

A tree whose roots are full and deep
That seek for nurture while I sleep

A tree that looks at God all day
While I and keyboard slave away

A tree that may in summer bloom
Right outside my PC's room

Upon whose branches snow will set
While I still browse the Internet

These posts are written by fools like me
But only God can make a tree

[written mostly by Mark Raymond, based on the 1914 poem, "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew." (Marshall McLuhan)

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Spring Cleaning

Well, Spring weather finally appears to have arrived here in Michigan.

And that means that Spring Cleaning can't be far behind.

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HOW TO TELL YOUR HOME NEEDS A DOSE OF SPRING CLEANING

Your front door has more fingerprints than the FBI.

The dust mites have banded together and formed a union.

The kids can't find their toys ... or the toy box.

The garbage disposal is coughing.

You can't find the cordless phone unless it rings.

You can make concrete blocks from the kitty litter.

The pile of magazines on the coffee table goes back to the Nixon administration.

You wonder if hosing down the carpets would make them look better.

You seriously consider just moving instead of trying to clean the house.

[written by Sheila Moss with edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Let's get to today's word in three steps. Step One: Ancient Greek words "ou" (not) and "topos" (place - root for the word topography), were the foundation for the word utopia. Step Two: Utopia was the name of Sir Thomas More's novel, written in 1516, about an imaginary island enjoying a perfect system of democracy, law, etc. Step Three: Add the Greek modifier "dys" (bad - think of dysentery or dyslexia) and you get today's word: dystopia. It means the opposite of utopia. As in, "Mark's office was a dystopian quagmire of unfiled papers, unfinished projects, unopened mail, and leftover food." (Hmmm, maybe that was too much information....)

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Robot Dog

How about a story that relies on the kindness of strangers?

To little robots, that is.

Kacie Kinzer is a student pursuing a graduate thesis at New York University. She built a small fleet of simple little disposable robots she calls "tweenbots." Because their sole purpose is to go *between* one place and another.

The catch is they can only move in straight lines and depend upon passing pedestrians to help them along the way. It's a cute little story. Almost makes me wish I lived in New York so I could observe.

Almost.

Okay, not at all. But still, it's cute.

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Those of you who recall my declarations that I'd never use a cell phone know my word means nothing. But this time I want you to hold me to it when I say that I will never, under any circumstances, get a robot dog. (Also, keep me away from an iPod Nano; I'm afraid I could accidentally swallow it.)

Sure, I could see why someone might want a robot dog - you could leave it alone for days on end, they don't chew toys, furniture or each other, and they don't emit anything that might lead you to need the services of someone with "The Ruginator" printed on the side of his van.

Also, they would never need a retainer, unlike my family's black Labrador, Lily, whose teeth were growing in wrong and needed a specially-molded piece of plastic grafted to them, at a price that would indicate it was made via a process involving cold fusion. It's developments such as these that leave thoughtful pet owners wondering, "Do vets *ever* stop laughing at us?"

Vet: Mr. Jones, I'm afraid we're going to have to encase Buster in solid gold.

Pet Owner: Where do I sign?

I never once wished Lily was a robot, and not just because of the chance she could turn out to be the advance scout for an unstoppable robot army. No, I don't want a robot dog because a robot, while no doubt lovable in that way a particularly reliable coffee pot might be lovable, never tends to do any of the following endearing activities done by real dogs:

- They will never stare at you with a cocked head, as if to say, "I'm curious as to why you're not rubbing me anywhere."

- They will never come up to you while you're sleeping on the couch and lick the Cheetos crumbs off your face with a tongue the size of a yam.

- They will never defend you against bears. (I've heard of this happening, though I think my dogs would only be effective if the bear happened to trip over them.)

And finally, a robot dog would never win a "Beautiful Pet Contest" like the one in which we just entered Lily, along with our golden retriever, Annie. Sure, a robot dog might come in handy when it comes to fetching the robot newspaper and scaring off robot intruders ... but will it ever be a "beautiful pet"?

Also, will it ever be able to play over 1,000 digital songs? I'm just asking.

[copyright 2005 by Peter Chianca, via Mikey's Funnies. Permission is granted to forward to others, but only with attribution and never for commercial use]

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Two meetings tomorrow morning, of which only one will get my full attention, I'm afraid. And then my band - well, the vocal part, anyway, which includes me - plays at a coffeehouse in Farmington Hills. So another busy Saturday, but good busy, y'know?

I'll see you on Monday.

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Next weekend my band is playing another regional "Iron Sharpens Iron" Conference for Men in Lansing, Michigan ... during this time, we play several hymns. Which leads me to this week's site. At http://www.cyberhymnal.org/, you can find "author bios, composer biographies, hymn histories and gospel songs from many denominations" plus a cheesy MIDI file to give you an idea of what the hymn melody sounds like. They have more than 10,000 hymns and versions of hymns.

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Mark's Musings is automatically transcribed to an RSS Feed and is also shipped out each day via e-mail using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure those folks are certified by Habeas to be a safe sender of e-mail. That means you can trust what I send. And I promise never to send spam or give your address to anyone who will. Cross my heart. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and otherwise click your day away at my web site. (There are years of archival jokes and links, for instance, and at least three years of "Web Sites of the Week" to browse. More to come, one day.) To contact me and sooner or later get a reply, click here. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. Remove the credits under penalty of becoming a big meanie and stepping all over my feelings. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of this post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring it all up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Void where prohibited.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." (Virginia Woolf)

Air Wine

Just a little abbreviated today ... spent most of last night getting my taxes finished and filed. Made it with all of 34 minutes to spare!

And hey, to give you something to look at today, I put a couple of nice video posts up here. Scroll down over the past couple of days, or just click the "bonus" label for all the extra stuff; the most recent - with the videos - should come up first.

All this work on taxes has me thinking about money and the perspective it brings to one's life. Witness today's joke....

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During a lengthy flight recently, I was sitting in coach but right up near the front of the section, just a row or two behind the first-class part of the cabin.

As the flight crew was preparing to start offering us snacks and beverages, I heard one of the attendants ask several first-class passengers, "Would you care for Chardonnay, or Burgundy?"

A minute or two later, the curtain between the sections opened, and the attendant wheeled her cart into the coach section, where she stopped at the first row and said, "Would you care for some wine today? We have white, and red."

[with thanks to Reader's Digest]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law." (Romans 13:8)

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Mark's Musings comes in an RSS Feed and via e-mail each weekday. Get your own subscription - for free! - by clicking here.

Dream Big, Susan

By now I hope you know that much of what you see on the telly in America originated across the pond, in England.

Well, the producers of the show, "Britain's Got Talent" won't let me embed this video here on the blog, so I've given you a link to it below. This clip is all the rage on Facebook at the moment, but in everything I've seen there, the audio and video is a little hinky. Follow the link below to see a much more quality YouTube version.

Susan Boyle (pictured above) is a plain, middle-aged, "everywoman." One might even say frumpy. But she has dreams of being a singer. And turns out, she's not half-bad.

She gives all of us "old farts" a reason to keep plugging, keep dreaming, and keep being yourself.

View the video here.

Bike vs. Cow

Taxes done? Today's the deadline, kids.

If you do the bulk of your driving within 1-5 miles of your home, you may want to consider putting your return down on a Segway Personal Transporter. One site I read featured a man who got rid of one of their family cars in favor of one - and figures that alone will save him about $16,000 a year in payments, insurance, gas, and maintenance on the vehicle. The Segway costs about a third of that.

Or you could take a look at the next generation of the Segway - called the P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility) - which is, essentially, a Segway built for two.

But I doubt they'll write any songs about it.

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A rural salesman was trying desperately to talk a local farmer into purchasing a fancy, expensive bicycle.

"Shucks," says the farmer, "if I'm going to spend that much, I'd rather get me a cow."

"Oh, but think about how funny you'd look riding into town on a cow!" exclaims the salesman.

"Humph!" replies the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

[Funny File via Ed Peacher's Laughter]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Shouldn't a trailer be pulled by a preceder?

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Improv Everywhere in Belgium

You know those public improvisation groups? This one in Belgium took the central train station folks in Antwerp by surprise. I just love it when real life becomes - for a few moments - just like something out of a big movie musical.

Plus it's just a fun song to help you through the middle of the week.

Error Messages

Let's call today Technology Tuesday.

Find a host of useful and unusual USB gadgets at Brando.

And remember the pet rock? Now there's one you can plug into your USB port. And it still does nothing.

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PSYCHOLOGICALLY CORRECT COMPUTER ERROR MESSAGES

"A suboptimal event has occurred. Windows will now display the Indigo Presentation of Ceased Autonomic Functions."

"That password is not the one I wanted. Kudos, however, for a valiant effort."

"One of us made a typo and it wasn't me."

"This system has performed an act of civil disobedience and will now receive a non-judgmental time out."

"Please don't think of this crash as 'User Error,' but rather as an 'Input Exploration Experience.' "

"Division by zero would sure be nifty, but the oppressive mathematical elite won't let me do it. I have to stop, now."

"This application is unhappy and it is making all your other applications unhappy. Turn your computer off and back on to make us all happy again."

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on the Internet; some small edits by Mark Raymond]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." (Andy Rooney)

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Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed and e-mail each weekday. Get your own subscription by clicking here. It's free.