Brown Paper Jake

Want to help save some trees? Enough every year to fill up Rhode Island?

And it's something so simple even you can do it, if you're not doing it already.

Change the margins. That's it. Instead of the "luxurious" 1.25 inches that comes default on most word processing programs, settle for the more economical .75 inches.

If you follow some of the links I started you off on, you'll eventually wind up at a petition to Microsoft to reset the default margins on their wildly-popular Office programs in order to save some trees.

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A sheriff walks into the saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks in a loud voice.

"What's he look like?" inquires one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well," says the sheriff, "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks somebody else.

"Rustlin'."

[from Professor Howdy's Blog]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete." (2 John 1:12)

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Honesty Lesson

One week ago Reggie Damone, a McDonald's employee and on food stamps himself, picked up an envelope he found in the street, looking for a scrap of paper to jot down a phone number.

Inside the envelope was a check for $185,000. He took the check to a bank and asked them to return it to its owner.

If only the world had more like him.

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A LESSON IN HONESTY

This story is from quite a few years ago, when people still bought most of their meat from the local butcher.

I had gone to the shop with my grandmother, and it was late in the day, just a few minutes before the shopkeeper would normally close up. She told the butcher she needed a lamb roast, so he pulled the last one out of the glass case, weighed it, and told her, "That'll be $13.45, please."

"Oh dear," said my grandma, "that's too small. Do you have a larger one?"

The butcher took the roast off the scale and went into the back room. We could hear him moving some things about, and after a minute or two he came back with what looked suspiciously like the exact same roast.

"This one should be better," he said, "it's $15.20."

I was just about to speak up and say something when my grandmother looked down at me, winked, and said to the butcher, "Thank you. That's perfect. I'll take both of them."

[from Andychap's The_Funnies]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: How many of us know that honesty in little things is not such a little thing?

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Heart Lessons

Here are some words from author William Goldman, and his memories of the first time he ever saw "Porgy and Bess."

"My family went and we sat there and if you don't know the story, it's about this cripple, Porgy, who can't walk, and he gets around on this pathetic goat cart, towed by a scrawny goat, and we're someplace in the Deep South. Porgy is hopelessly in love with Bess, a beautiful woman, but weak. Toward the end, Porgy is sent to jail (he saved his friends by murdering the village monster) and while he is there, Bess is wooed by a pusher, Sportin' Life, who, using drugs as a lure, steals her away, takes her to New York City, which is the other end of the universe as far as anyone in this village is concerned.

"Porgy gets out of jail, and I am dreading the moment when he finds out Bess is gone. I mean, cripples don't win beauties in this world, not unless they are very rich indeed, and Porgy is a beggar. So he is out of jail and I am so scared for him, his life is over, how is he going to survive his loss, and he chitchats with the villagers and then he says it -- where's Bess?

"No one wants to answer but finally he finds out ... Bess is gone, she is gone forever, gone to New York City.

"Silence in the theatre. Then Porgy says these three amazing words:

" 'Bring my goat.' "

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LESSONS OF THE HEART

Love is not the latest ballad on the radio
It is the song of a lifetime

Love is not the size of the rock on the finger of a girl
It is the size of the rock you move to repair the relationship

Love is not the fairy tale that ends with "happily ever after"
It is the very real hand that wipes away the tears

Love is not to be found in the spotlight
It is waiting in the shadows

Love is not winning the argument
It is listening with an open mind and an open heart

Love is not flowers or candy
It is truth and honesty

Love is not a treasure you find
It is a commitment to the quest

Love is not expensive restaurants
It is the sacrifices made to feed a child

Love is not the dream come true
It is chasing the nightmares away

Love is not the success of money
It is the failure to find fault when you have none

Love is not the perfect picture
It is acceptance of all the flaws

[from MountainWings - with a few wee, tiny rewrites from yours truly - via Molly Rhea's Quotes of the Day]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end." (Author Unknown)

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You'd love your own subscription which you can get by clicking here. Thanks to "Delancey Place" for the William Goldman quote.

Sunday School Stories

Well, five days after dumping about a foot of snow on the area in two separate snowstorms, the thermometer here in my little corner of Michigan is shooting up into the 50s (10-12 degrees Celsius) with rain today and tomorrow.

The forecast says it should be mild and wet all week. Sadly, at this time of year, instead of a lovely shade of green or the more pristine white, we get left with an ugly shade of brown.

But if you want to see something pretty ... well, at least something uplifting ... take a look at this modern retelling of The Good Samaritan (misspelling on the site and all), told with Legos^®. Thanks to Mark over at The Good Stuff Newsletter for the link.

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MORE TRUE TALES OF SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday School teacher challenged her pupils to take some time after church on Sunday and write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back to Sunday School the following week.

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, we had a good time at church last Sunday. Wish you could have been there."

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A few weeks later, the same teacher was relating to her class the Biblical story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten badly, robbed, and left for dead.

She described the story in great detail and very vividly so her students would be able to catch and understand the full drama of it.

When she had finished, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying by the side of the road, all beaten and wounded and bloody, what would you do?"

No answers. A hush had fallen on the class.

Finally one little girl broke the silence by saying, "I think I'd throw up!"

[Pastor Tim's Clean Laughs; edited]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Since yesterday was Epiphany Sunday, let's have a look at where that word came from. It is not, as you might think, from Latin, but rather from Greek. It is a mixture of the word "epi" which means "on or to" and "phainein" which means "to show." Its sense is that of a manifestation, or a sudden and striking appearance. Epiphany Sunday celebrates the coming of the Magi to the Christ child as it is the first revealing of Christ to the Gentiles. Its usage also now includes the notion of being struck suddenly by a new idea or revelation that clears up (or reveals) to us a new truth, or a new solution to a problem.

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Mark

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Electric Car

Nybble Newsletter reports that researchers at MIT in Boston are developing a concept called the "City Car," an electric-powered vehicle where the motor, brakes, and suspension are all housed in the wheels. It's a design that makes the car "foldable" and you can fit eight of them into a parking space designed for one vehicle.

Users would "rent" the vehicle much like you rent trolleys or luggage carts at the airport. Drive it to your destination and "stack it" back into another rental spot where the batteries would be recharged. Solar panels set up near the stacking stations would provide power to recharge the batteries and dump any excess energy into the city's power grid.

The concept vehicle would seat two, and may be capable of speeds up to 100 mph, though why you would need to travel that fast in the city is beyond me. But hey, check it out.

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ELECTRIC CAR JOKES
With apologies to the Yugo

How do you make an electric car go faster?
A tow truck.

What do you call the shock absorbers on an electric car?
Passengers.

Two guys in an electric car were arrested last week for a push-by shooting.

The electric car has an airbag, but you have to plug it in.

A friend took his electric car to a dealership the other day and said he wanted new windshield wipers for it. The guy said, "Okay, sounds like a fair trade."

What do you call an electric car at the top of a hill?
A miracle.

What do you call an electric car with twin tailpipes?
A wheelbarrow.

What's the difference between a golf ball and an electric car?
You can drive a golf ball at least 200 yards.

[modified from balkansnet]

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Seriously, though, with the price of gasoline, I think the concept of an electric car is awesome. We certainly need to start using technology that's renewable. Hey, have a great first weekend of the year and I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: I don't know much about "Fimoculous" and give the page a minute to load but if you want to review 2007's Best of, Top Ten, Most Notable 100, Fifty Best of, well, pretty much ANYTHING, go to http://www.fimoculous.com/year-review-2007.cfm.

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Subscribe to Mark's Musings, view past issues in the Archives, or help me defray publishing costs at my web site. To keep celery crispier longer, wrap it in aluminum foil before stashing it in the fridge. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits have been right here, doing their job since 1998. Don't blow their record now. Original material and commentary © 2008 by Mark Raymond. My personal mission statement is John 3:30. "He must become greater; I must become lesser."

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "There's folks who would stand on their heads and then say the fault was in their boots." (George Eliot)

Leg Cast

Orexin-A. Remember that.

It's a drug that's being developed that you'll be able to sniff in a nasal sprayer and bam! Your brain will think you've had some sleep and you'll be more alert and awake and able to continue that two-day marathon in front of your Playstation computer.

The military is paying for the research to develop a drug that will keep its soldiers and pilots on long flights or missions from dozing off or succumbing to the effects of sleep deprivation. So far they've been using stimulants, but those can become addictive, or have unpleasant side effects. The research up until now has only been with monkeys, but I'd bet you'll see it on your pharmacy shelves within a few more years, possibly sooner.

See what I mean here. You think it might make the coffee people nervous?

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After I broke my leg falling off a ladder in our garage, I had to wear a cast from the knee down. Normally, my husband and I cuddle right up to each other and are cozy sleepers, but the cast was posing a problem.

Several sleepless nights later, my husband said to me in desperation, "Honey, I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I just can't manage the whole cast."

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

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Mark

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Signature

That is a credit card. It's designed so you can "wave" it at a wireless credit card machine and have your purchase registered ... but it's also designed to fit into the USB port on your computer so you can make your online purchases without having to remember your card numbers or reach for your wallet.

Right now it's only available in Korea, where it was invented. But soon, soon....

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I was in the midst of paying for a recent transaction with my credit card. Just as I finished signing the receipt, the cashier said, "Uh oh."

"What?" I asked.

"Well, I may not be able to finish this sale. I noticed that the back of your credit card isn't signed."

"Is that a problem?"

"Your credit card company says the card has to be signed or I'm not supposed to take it. I'm supposed to match the signature on the card with the one on your receipt."

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She then carefully compared the signature to the one on the receipt.

Luckily, they matched.

[seen in too many places to give credit, no pun intended]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Why do banks charge us for bouncing a check when they already know we don't have any money?

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Mark

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Groaner Day

There are certain points every year where the calendar gives us permission to change who we are; who we have been. A chance to brush away the behaviors we don't like to see in ourselves and, with the help of God, make a better person out of ourselves. You know these days: birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversaries, the day we start a new job or a new relationship...

...and today. The very first day of a fresh, new year.

My prayer for you is that you make the choices today that will make you happier with yourself at the other end of 2008.

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SOME GROANERS TO GET THE NEW YEAR OFF RIGHT

So a guy goes to his doctor and complains about a pain in his leg. "Doc," he says, "I know this sounds crazy, but would you listen to my knee?"

So the doctor puts on his stethoscope and listens to the man's knee. To his surprise he hears, "Can you loan me ten bucks?" He moves the stethoscope down to the man's shin. He hears, "C'mon, fifteen bucks. How about it?" Finally, in alarm, he puts the stethoscope near the man's ankle and hears, "I need twenty bucks. Can you give me twenty bucks?"

The doctor takes off the stethoscope, sits up and tells the man, "Well, I think I see the problem. Your leg is broke in three places."

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What kind of snacks do small monkeys have with milk?
Chocolate chimp cookies.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

How does a lion like his steak?
Medium roar.

What's the tallest building in town?
The library. It has the most stories.

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It was little Michael's first visit to the country farm and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Early one morning he caught his first look at a peacock, strutting in the yard.

Rushing indoors, he excitedly told his Grandma, "Gramma, you gotta come see this! One of the chickens is in bloom!"

[with thanks to Kim Komando, Ed's Raucous Laughter, and list member Carolyn W.]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "New Years Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving the road to hell with them as usual." (Mark Twain)

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Gratitude Campaign

One of the nice things about writing a post read 'round the world is that I get to strike up, well, some pretty nice friendships, sight unseen with many people.

One of them is my friend Susan, who lives out East, and is a remarkable story in and of herself. She is many things, but I often think of her as a "wind beneath my wings" friend. Her sunny disposition and encouraging emails keep me working and writing and always trying to make what I do that little bit better for you.

She'll probably take me to task for pointing this stuff out, but honestly, isn't that what gratitude is for? Saying thank you to the people who need to hear our appreciation?

In that vein, I'm including a video clip that Susan sent me created by "The Gratitude Campaign." It's a shortened version that's been posted on YouTube. The full-length version which, frankly, brought tears to my eyes, is here.

Tag ... I'm It!

So my friend Lisa has "tagged" me to come up with "Seven Things About Me" and since I kind of like Lisa and have a tremendous amount of respect for what she does, I'm up for it. So here goes, pretty much just as I think of 'em.

1. My knees are double-jointed. Honestly, it wasn't enough that my genes were predisposed to give me diabetes and take away most of my hair, they added this little skeletal aberration, as well.

2. I'm a frustrated musician. Musician, because I play guitar, piano, and bass and compose my own music, though not as much as I used to do. I've even recorded three albums, though I only published two of them. Which is a pity, really, because the third is some of my best work. Frustrated, because I don't have time to learn how to play these instruments really well, and so I fall prey to that most truthful of axioms, "Only the mediocre are always at their best." I play piano and guitar like my fingers are walking through wet cement. I just kind of plod along. But I'm learning to be okay with just being okay in this department.

3. I find it hard to say "no." I have my hands in so many projects and pies, it's no wonder I can't lose any weight. Let's see, we have the usual items that most everyone deals with: being a husband, father, and holding down a full-time job. There's also:

Computer Lab Instructor
Leader of local band "Subject to Change"
Occasional Worship Leader at my church
Drama Director at my church
Treasurer for the Genesee Valley Choral Company
I play fantasy baseball in two leagues
I write, as you probably know, "Mark Mail" every weekday
There's the blog that you're reading

I've also been asked to undertake two other projects in 2008, both of which would be a MAJOR drain on what precious little time, resources and sanity I have remaining. But just you watch, I'll probably try to do them both.

4. I'm one selfish sonuva.... lest you think I have a giving spirit and just do everything I can to help everyone I can, no matter what it is, there's a reason I can't say "no" to some of these things: I like the way the work (and especially the results of the work) makes me feel. I like the heady aroma of power I get when people need me. And I'm just full enough of pride and cocky arrogance to think I can do the job better than most anyone else. I know I need to work on being more humble, and God certainly gives me enough reasons to embrace humility, so perhaps there's hope that I'll grow more mature in this area.

5. Speaking of God, I want to be more like Jesus. The longer I've tried to live a life of Christian faithfulness, the more I'm convinced it all comes down to one verse of Scripture: John 3:30. "He must become greater; I must become less." Christianity is the process of perfection (read Philippians 1:6) and so as I go and grow through life, I truly want to build into myself those principles and realities that will reflect more and more of my Lord and Savior.

6. I use facial hair as an outward sign of my life's changing circumstances. Hmm, that didn't sound as goofy in my head as it looks in print. But here's the deal: when something major changes in my life (son moves out, I get a new job, son moves back in, etc.) I'll change something on my face. Grow a beard, lose the beard, cut back to a goatee, maybe down to just a mustache, etc. So if you see something new going on with my face, you can be assured something has changed in my life.

7. I'm a compulsive-obsessive about neatness and order everywhere except my home. Does that make me a hypocrite? Honestly, though, if you were to look at the workstation there at my job, and then look at my workstation in my home office, you'd swear that space was occupied by two different people. But maybe this makes more sense than I think it does at first blush. At work, there's just work. At home, there always seems to be something else that is more fun to do needs to be done before cleaning and filing. So instead of a filing system, I wind up with a piling system.

Well, there ya go. Seven things about me ... some of them I probably wouldn't have chosen to tell you, but Lisa forced it outta me.

Okay, it's time to finish planning some worship music for the morning, wrap a couple of gifts, and see what excitement there may be in my dreams tonight.

12 Days ... and Toto, too!

Indiana University has a pretty talented men's a capella group known as "Straight No Chaser." Here's a video - with a tip o'the Mark Mail cap to Pastor Tim - of their mashed up version of "The 12 Days of Christmas" ... complete with a "Toto" classic!

Enjoy.

Baby Got Book

Usually I'm not one to approve of the Church copying a secular style/song/strategy ... if it has the word of truth, it should be able to stand on its own without being "sanctified" by Christians. All truth is God's truth, yes?

And shouldn't we who are in communion with the Creator be able to be CREATIVE? There's no need to make a poor shadow of a secular concept when, by right of spiritual rebirth, we should be on the cutting edge of what's new and innovative and different.

However, in the case of the video below, I'm going to make an exception. Despite being a rap parody, it is - and I use this word cautiously, given the subject matter - an elegant satire of a secular work.

The Meaning of Christmas

The executives at CBS almost didn't air this Christmas special back in 1965. There was no laugh track, they thought the pacing was "too slow," and the whole thing seemed "a little flat." The voice talent was amateurish - why hadn't Schulz used adults instead of kids? - and whoever heard of using jazz music on an animated show? And, finally, they said "the Bible thing scares us."

But perseverance and an iron-clad contract won the day and we now have one of the greatest animated Christmas specials of all time. And a reminder of what Christmas is truly all about.

Your Proverbial Turn

Okay, it's about time I try to stir up a few reader comments and a little participation here. Finish these proverbs with your own creative, quirky, offbeat, and hopefully hilarious spins on these old saws.

"A man's home is _____."

"Silence is _____."

"Cleanliness is next to _____."

"Look before you _____."

"Laughter is the best _____."

For a fresh perspective, run these by your kids or grandkids who may not be familiar with the original and see what pops outta their brains.

Keaggy's Kool

So we went to a concert this past weekend - Randy Stonehill and Phil Keaggy, two stalwarts of the Contemporary Christian Music scene - and we're about thirteen rows away from the stage, on the aisle, good seats. For a short time, there was no one sitting in front of us. While we're waiting for the concert to begin, my wife kind of waves her arms at these empty seats in the row ahead of us and says, "Please don't let anyone sit here. Please don't let anyone sit here."

One of our friends says, "Amen. But that's probably not very Christian of us, is it?"

My wife then starts waving her arms at the empty seats and says, "Please don't let anyone sit here except Jesus. Please don't let anyone sit here except Jesus."

The concert, by the way, was fantastic. Phil Keaggy is one of the most accomplished guitarists of his generation, Christian or otherwise. If you ever get the opportunity to hear him, don't pass it up.

Here's a video I found on YouTube of "Salvation Army Band." It's about nine minutes long. He didn't play it this past weekend, but it will give you a really good idea of what he can do. There are no other musicians on stage with Phil. Everything you hear is done with just his guitar, his voice, his hands, and an electronic loop pedal.



By the way, several large someones eventually did come and sit in front of us, obstructing our view. Just goes to show that God never answers selfish prayers.

But it did nothing to diminish our enjoyment of the music. When Keaggy plays, I just want to go home and burn my guitar. I won't, of course, but yeah, he's that good.