Not the Rules

Well, my daughter finally starts her driver training Segment I class on Monday. So now would be a good time to make sure your insurance premiums are paid up.

Oh, it's all right. She said I could say that.

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DESPITE WHAT YOU SEE, THESE ARE *NOT* THE RULES OF THE ROAD

Turn signals will give away your next move. Never use them to maintain the element of surprise.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you. This space will just be filled in by another car, creating a hazard, and you'll have to slow down to create another safe space, which will be filled in by another car and you'll have to slow down again and you will NEVER reach your destination on time.

Crossing more than one lane at a time marks you as an expert driver and feels dangerously cool.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of being hit.

Never get in the way of an older model car that needs extensive body work.

Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible, forcing the anti-lock brake system to kick in so the pulsating brake pedal will give you a foot massage. If you don't have ABS, it's an opportunity to stretch your leg nicely.

Electronic traffic warning signs are only there to distract you from the nearby police car clocking you on radar. Pay them no attention.

Speed limits are only suggestions and are to be ignored during rush hour.

Throwing litter on the roads adds a touch of color to the landscape and keeps Adopt-A-Highway teams and minimum security prisoners occupied.

It is assumed that police cars traveling at a high speed - especially with their sirens on - may be followed safely, allowing you to make up for time lost by constantly slowing down to achieve a safe zone between you and the car in front of you.

Heavy fog, snow, wind, or rain make no difference to the above rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring employment for auto body shops, junkyards, and car salespeople.

[selected from joke email.com with heavy edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: So, yeah. While I'm proud "my little girl" has reached this milestone in her life, I am also, as a father, terrified for her safety. Each day eleven teenagers are killed on America's roads. http://www.facebook.com/save11 is set up to gather support for the STANDUP act, which is an acronym for "Safe Teen And Novice Driver Uniform Protection" which would require states to pass and enforce minimum standards for graduated driver licensing programs. If your Congressperson isn't signed on to sponsor this Act, use the site tools to encourage them. Allstate Insurance is the corporate sponsor for the site, in the interest of full disclosure.

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