Thursday, January 28, 2010

In the Beginning

So how can the Internet be more helpful for you?

How about serving as an egg timer?

Tell the site how large your egg is, if it came from the refrigerator, how well you want it cooked, and it will play a slightly nutty video from YouTube that runs the exact length of the time it takes to boil your egg.

Call it a more interesting way to watch water boil.



In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this!"

And then God said, "Let there be Light!" And there was Light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yield seed, and the fruit tree yield fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And then God said, "Let us make Man in our own image, after our likeness, and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth. And over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

And so God created Man in his own image. Male and Female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were fit.

And Satan said, "I think I know how to get back into this game."

And God placed upon the earth broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And then Satan created fast food restaurants. And the fast food restaurants brought forth the double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super Size them," and gained five pounds.

And then God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure Man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate, and Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy salad."

But Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's, and Woman gained ten pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so large it needed its own platter, and Man gained ten pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable television with remote control so Man would not have to toil in changing channels between ESPN and ESPN2, and Man gained another twenty pounds.

And Man went into cardiac arrest, and God sighed, then invented quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed the Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing grain of whole wheat rice, and God created the life-giving tofu.

But Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolates and upon returning, inquired of Man, "Do I look fat?"

And Satan whispered to Man, "Always tell the truth," and Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the healthy seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers.

It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent interest, and the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet east of Nod, south of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the divorce settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

[originally seen in Doc's Daily Chuckle; slightly abridged by Mark Raymond]


WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8)


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