February de-Monthed

Today is Mardi Gras.

Officially it's Shrove Tuesday, but more commonly known as "Fat Tuesday."

As we make our preparations to begin the season of Lent, it might do us good to remember our place in the universe. Get a sense of that - well, a little bit, anyway - by visiting Experience the Planets.

It's a website that hosts artistic renditions of the eight planets in our solar system, backed by some awesome ambient music. It reminded me of being in a planetarium, really.

And as a bonus, you can download these artistic vistas as wallpaper for your computer desktop.

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A PRESS RELEASE

Emboldened by their success in declaring that Pluto was not a planet, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) determined this week by a close vote that February is too short to be considered a true month. It has, however, been granted the newly-created status of "dwarf month."

It shares this dubious distinction with several other calendar time spans, including Labor Day Weekend, Christmas Vacation, and The Time Between When You Were Supposed to Get Your Oil Changed and When You Actually Did.

"It only seems fair," said IAU President Ron Eckers. "February reaches a peak size of 29 days, averaging only 28 days for 75% of the time. Recent research has shown that other periods, such as The Time Between When You Were Supposed to Get Your Oil Changed and When You Actually Did, often exceed this meager time frame.

"In fact, this erratic behavior only strengthens our case that February does not belong in the same classification as the eleven 'true' months."

Eckers also warned that the crop of 30-day "so-called" months should be careful to maintain their number of days. "They're already cutting it close in my book," said Eckers.

[written by Michael Haber via Good Clean Funnies List]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "With every passing hour our solar system comes 43 thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress." (Ransom K. Ferm)

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Monday Groaners

President's Day, 2010.

Apparently I'm the only one who had the day off.

I'm okay with that.

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YOUR MONDAY GROANERS

My husband is always harping on us to stay within our budget, and complaining about our household costs, in general. This situation has only gotten worse since our twin boys were born. Everything is double: food, clothes, pediatrician bills, and lately he has even been griping about the amount of baby powder I've been buying. At least until I reminded him that ... talc is cheap.

Phil and Bill built a skating rink on a pond in the middle of their pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock across the field decided to take a shortcut and led the sheep directly across their pond. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't walk on it. The shepherd began desperately tugging on them to get them to cross the ice. "Would you look at that?" Phil says to Bill. "That guy is trying to pull the wool across our ice!"

Many mothers of toddlers have terribly difficult jobs. They work from son-up to son-down.

My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet within two weeks. He was right. I had to sell my car to pay his bill.

[Joe's Clean Laffs, Top Greetings, JokeMaster]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Did you ever hear of a company or any kind of organization having a "hierarchy"? Pronounce it "hire-arky." It was originally the church that gave us this word, made up of two Old Greek words: hieros and arkhes. The first means "sacred" and the second means "ruling." The word originally described the levels of decision-making in the early church. It now refers to the levels of decision-making or power in any type of organization.

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Saturday Novel 7

THE ADVENTURES of MICHAEL MITTY
Scene 7

Michael and Miranda were finally seated at a corner table in Olive Garden, perused the menus, the wine list, and placed their orders. The waitstaff were, as always, charming and efficient.

"So, Michael," said Miranda as she speared a black olive out of her salad, "tell me about the other women in your life."

"Oh, I don't think you really want to hear about my mother," Michael replied, munching on a soft breadstick.

"Really. No ex-girlfriends? No summer flings?"

"Well, certainly none I'm comfortable talking about. How about you?"

Miranda took a sip of Chardonnay and said, "Oh, there was one significant guy ... a couple years ago ... but that turned into a train wreck."

"There's going to be a train wreck! The Pacific Flyer is westbound on Track 29 and the Sunrise Limited is eastbound on the same track! GET ME MITTY! NOWWWW!"

Michael ran from his office in the terminal, donning his flight gear as he went. He was in the control room moments later.

"Mitty," cried the chief, "the situation is grave. We've got two trains barreling down the same track for one another and none of the remote controls are responding. The switch to shunt one of these trains off onto a siding track has to be thrown manually. You're the only one who can get there in time. Lives are counting on you, Mitty! Go! Go! Go!"

Michael took another look at the monitor to fix the location in his mind, then raced for the helipad on top of the terminal. Disregarding his preflight checklist, he thumbed the 'copter into a cold start and took off as soon as the rotors had reached speed.

Overtaking the Sunrise Limited, he flew ahead of the massive locomotive, dropping in altitude as he went. He had only seconds to prepare before reaching the siding switch. Thinking quickly, he kept one eye on the terrain, one hand on the throttle, then looked back with his other eye and reached his other hand back for the grappling hook controls. Throwing the safety off, he let the grappling hook free fall until he felt it hit the ground, then angling the helicopter parallel to the track, he dragged the hook until it caught the arm of the siding switch and winched the hook up until the switch opened.

Exactly one point eight seconds later, the Sunrise Limited careened onto the siding track, narrowly missing her fated collision with the Pacific Flyer. Michael wiped the sweat from his brow.

"That was a close one."

Michael blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said," Miranda replied, "that was a close one. That guy and I almost got married!"

"Oh. Oh, I see," said Michael, taking a sip of wine to recover his thoughts.

"Do you do that often?" Miranda asked.

"Do what?"

"Go away. You know ... in your mind. It's like you take a little trip away from the conversation."

"Do I?"

"Michael," warned Miranda, "don't you play coy with me. I actually find it kind of endearing."

Later....

"Thank you for a lovely Valentine's dinner, Michael. You're a sweet man, and a good conversationalist when you stick around, you know, mentally."

"I'm sorry about that, Miranda," Michael apologized.

"Oh, it's fine. I had a really good time." She moved closer. "Thanks again."

And then she kissed him full on the lips.

And then she said goodnight, and closed her door.

And on the way home, Miranda helped Michael save the world.

Twice.

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Fin.

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You can read this story from the beginning by clicking "Saturday Novel" from the label list at the lower right of this page.

Corey Vidal Sings John Williams

Well, this is unique and very entertaining.

At least for us nerdy types.

It's an a capella tribute to the movie theme music of John Williams, using quotes from the Star Wars movies.



Facebookians ... click "View Original Post" to see this video.

Saturday Novel 6

THE ADVENTURES of MICHAEL MITTY
Scene Six

"Hello?"

"You didn't call," the voice on the other end sounded melodically disappointed.

"Oh, hi, Miranda."

"You didn't call," she sweetly insisted.

"I, umm, I didn't need any help with the copier."

"Well, I did say to call me, anyway."

"Oh," said Michael. "I ... I guess I thought you were just kidding."

Miranda chuckled softly. "I do enjoy a good laugh, Michael, but no, I wasn't kidding. What are you doing tomorrow night?"

Michael's mind raced down the list of possible answers, as well as down another list - the one with all the ways he normally spent his Saturday nights. Nowhere on that second list was anything about having dinner with a woman.

"Nothing that would interest you, I think, Miranda."

"You might be surprised," came the response. "But listen, it's Valentine's Day this weekend, and I'd like to go out with a nice man. Someone I like. What do you say?"

"Well, I guess that sounds better than defragging my computer's hard drive."

"Michael, that may be the sexiest thing anyone's said to me all week. Pick me up at 7:00. See you then," and Miranda hung up.

Michael breathed out, realizing he'd been holding his breath for almost the entire phone call. In a sudden moment of clarity, he realized he had no idea where Miranda lived. Racing to his computer, he logged on to the company mainframe and accessed his Outlook e-mail program. "Yes!" he exclaimed to himself when he found Miranda's contact card and, thankfully, her cell phone number was listed in the information. He dialed the number nervously.

"See how easy it is to pick up the phone and call?" Miranda said by way of greeting.

"All right. You did that on purpose. Where do you live?"

A moment later Michael hung up, and suddenly had a vision of Miranda Wheatley as Mata Hari, and himself as Crown Prince Wilhelm. He spoke in a German dialect the rest of the night.

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To be continued on Sunday. Valentine's Day.

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Click the "Saturday Novel" label at the lower right to read this story from the beginning.

--Mark

Men and Women

My parents celebrate 39 years of marriage today. Wow. That's a lot. And I know some of you have been enjoying the ol' wedded bliss even longer. Bully for you!

This being Valentine's Day weekend, today's post will cover a bit of the he and she rivalry o' love.

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My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. He wound up regretting his decision when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another. Impatient and bored with waiting, he finally asked a sales clerk, "Isn't there anything in this store for men?"

The sales clerk looked around and then said, "Sir, *everything* in this store is for men."

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A husband loved golf, his wife loved going to auctions. They both talked in their sleep.

One night the husband shouted out, "Fore!"

His wife shouted, "Four-fifty!"

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A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store.

After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time.

He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

[in order, then, Reader's Digest via Joe's Clean Laffs, Doc's Daily Chuckle, Clean Humor Digest via Laughter for a Saturday]

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: In my Palm SmartPhone, I have regular reminders set up to do things like change the oil in our vehicles, change the furnace filter, check the batteries in our smoke alarms, defrag the computer drives, etc. But if you haven't got a "life's little reminders" system set up already, you can get regular reminders via e-mail for free at http://www.resnooze.com/. Registration is free, but if you don't want to sign up, you can still get the most popular reminders by clicking the "hot reminders" link at the top of the screen without having to set up an account. My thanks to Kim Komando.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. Less than a week before Spring Training starts. I can almost hear the sounds of Spring beginning! You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. This means you. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. I have reached my saturation point with snow. No more snow. I forbid it.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Do not consider painful what is good for you." (Euripides)

Snail Tales

You've heard the term "snail mail"?

Someone in England decided to take it seriously.

And you thought I was kidding.

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GROANERS

What does a snail say when it rides on the back of a turtle?
"Wheeeeee!"

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What's spiral in shape and very crowded?
A snail with a houseguest.

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Two postal carriers had just finished their routes for the day when one of them watched as the other turned and stepped on a snail.

"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?" asked the perplexed coworker.

"Well, I'm just sick of it. That darn snail's been following me around all day!"

[Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday, Charlie's Chuckles, Clean Humor Digest]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion." (Numbers 14:18a)

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Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, or find me in your Inbox via e-mail each morning - eventually - by clicking here.

Teething Solution

My daughter enjoys spending some time with her friends watching videos on YouTube. She has a pretty good sense of what's inappropriate and she's old enough that we trust her decisions.

Mostly.

But if you want something that you *know* is safe for kids. Try Kideos. The site has fun videos - many of them are the "viral" kind you may have already seen - but they're broken down by age bracket and prescreened to be sure they are age-appropriate. They're mostly still from YouTube, but the good ones ... though I will confess I did not have time to preview every video.

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AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION

I overheard a conversation during lunch today. It was between a young woman and an older woman who, I assumed, was her mother.

"I haven't slept in three days," said the younger woman. "The baby is teething and he's up all night, crying."

"Why don't you just rub a thimble full of brandy on his gums?" asked the older woman. "That will numb those teeth up and put him right to sleep," she went on to explain.

"I can't give the baby alcohol! Lord knows what that will do to him!" protested the daughter.

"Well, it never hurt you any."

The look on the daughter's face was priceless.

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: My wife wants us to give homemade gifts to people this year, so I'm thinking of giving away a child. Would that count?

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Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail each weekday by clicking here.

Football Celebrity?

I know I overlooked the Super Bowl results yesterday, but I wanted to post about the Boy Scouts on the day of their anniversary.

I actually watched the entire game, and ALL of the commercials. I remember laughing out loud a few times, chuckling once or twice, and smiling a bunch ... but nothing blew me away this year.

Oh, wait, the Snickers^® commercial featuring two classic TV stars did. I laughed until I stopped.

See them all - or see them again - at Hulu's Adzone.

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The night before we were to attend a celebrity golf tournament, my friend Irene went to a party in honor of the event. Several of the famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door, greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the pro football Hall of Fame quarterback and Super Bowl winner.

Shaking Irene's hand, he said, "Hi! Joe Montana."

Well, Irene didn't know Joe Montana from Joe Six-Pack, so in all sincerity she extended her hand and said, "Irene. Minnesota."

[Roger Lee via Reader's Digest Online]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental." (Doug Plank)

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Scout Identity

What do Steven Spielberg, Gerald Ford, James Stewart, Walter Cronkite, Ross Perot, Hank Aaron, Mark Spitz, and Neil Armstrong all have in common?

They were all Boy Scouts.

Today marks the formation of the Boy Scouts, 100 years ago. It's an organization that still claims nearly three million members.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

A friend of mine spent two weeks at a Boy Scout Camp out west. Halfway through their stay, the boys received "care" packages from home and many of them contained checks for spending money. A group of them went into town to cash these checks at the local bank.

One Scout was having some trouble because he'd lost his wallet. He insisted that he had identification on him, but didn't want to show it. The young woman who was serving as a teller that day, however, insisted upon seeing it. So the young man climbed up onto the counter and whispered into her ear.

She motioned for him to come around behind the counter where they could have a little more privacy. My friend, who was tall enough to see over the counter and keep an eye on things, reported that the blushing boy pulled out his shirt, folded down his belt, and then pulled up the label on his underwear.

The teller could see his name neatly written there with an indelible marker.

She cashed his check.

[originally seen in Andychap's The_Funnies]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Occasionally you hear that a child is precocious. What does this mean? It is usually applied to children but really describes anything that shows advanced levels of maturity, or development. The original Latin word was praecox, from "prae" (meaning before - we use it as the word "pre"), and the word "coquere" (originally meant "to cook" but it was also applied to something that ripened). The word was originally applied to flowers that bloomed early or fruit that ripened before others that were planted at the same time.

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More "It Made My Day"

Well, today is my wife's 25th anniversary at our local newspaper.

It's also her very last day there. Caught between brutal economic realities and a changing industry paradigm, she's being laid off.

But no need for the rest of you to indulge in our weepfest.

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MORE from "IT MADE MY DAY"

"I received a system-wide e-mail from one of our Information System Techs today. It read, 'Hello all, if you received an 'Out of Office' message from me, please disregard it with my apologies. It was a notice from last year that managed to wriggle out of the Exchange server and into your inboxes. It has been captured humanely and placed under sedation, and will be transported to an Old Email Farm where it will live out the remainder of its years in peace and tranquility.' Finding out IS Techs really do have a great sense of humor made my day!"

"My grandmother has been in the hospital for several days, and is no longer lucid, but earlier today she woke up to tell all of us that she loved us. It made my day."

"I work as a pastry chef in a restaurant. When the order slip comes up to tell me what to make there is a place on it for special requests or information. One of the notices said, 'To prevent mutiny.' It made my day."

"I don't like to dress up, and only own one skirt, which I hardly ever wear. I was wearing said skirt today, however, which caused my five-year old neighbor some confusion. He came to my door, and when I opened it, he stared at me for a good two minutes before asking, 'Are you getting married?' "

"My ten-year old little brother was acting very crazy one day and my mother asked him if they needed to put him on medication. With a perfectly straight face, he replied, 'There's no medication for being awesome!' It made my day."

"Today my niece fell and bumped her head. After, she came over to me and said, 'I think I might have a Caucasian.' It made my day!"

"It was the last day of school and I was stuck in my Science class. The teacher knew that everyone wanted to get out of there and no one would be paying attention, so he announces, 'Today we're going to watch a small astronomy film,' and he puts in the movie. A moment later in big yellow words we see, 'STAR WARS.' It made my day!"

"I was teaching the vocabulary word 'devour' to my first graders. Thinking of Sesame Street's Cookie Monster, I said, 'I'm thinking of someone on television who likes to devour lots of a certain type of food--' and before I could go on, one kid says, 'Oprah?' "

"A year-and-a-half ago my cat fell from seven stories up and suffered fairly severe brain damage. Today for the first time since the fall he started purring again. It may be the best sound I've ever heard. It made my day."

[selected from itmademyday.com with edits for grammar and clarification by Mark Raymond; warning-not all entries there are family friendly]

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Probably no "Saturday Novel" this weekend. I'm giving Michael Mitty a short break.

I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Valentine's Day is a week from Sunday so find a few romantic ideas at http://www.celebrations.com/valentines-day. You may need a little lead time on these so I point 'em out today.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. Less than two weeks before pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training! You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. Taking the credits off happens, but do try not to do it; we'll both feel better. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. And the road goes ever on.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "The less routine the more life." (Amos Bronson Alcott)

Wisdom Nuggets

Well, this is something my wife could use right about now. Come to think of it, most of us could.

I especially enjoyed the "Nineteen Tips for Cheering Yourself Up" entry.

And sorry for the late, late post.

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NUGGETS OF WISDOM

Money will not buy you happiness, but it will let you look for it in more places.

Your conscience will not keep you from doing what is wrong, but it will certainly keep you from enjoying it.

Misers are not much fun to live with. However, they make *great* ancestors.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that generally it's gone before you are.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A modern pioneer is a woman with three young children who can make it through a rainy Saturday without a television.

Remember, the world is full of willing people. Some who are willing to work, and others who are willing to let them.

[selected from Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God." (Ecclesiastes 2:26)

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Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle or e-mail each weekday. Find me in your Inbox each morning by clicking here.

Haiku for Today

Bumped into a busy 24-hour cycle here, troops, so just some homemade haiku today.

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HAIKUS FOR TODAY

Facebook friends? Lots. But
Do I really need to know
You're in the bathroom?

Ella, Frank, past greats;
On American Idol
Would they win today?

On global warming:
Would it hurt to live greener
No matter your views?

The big game is big.
The commercials are bigger.
Super Bowl Sunday

Oscar's Big Party
Why can't my teenager see
Nominated films?

[written by Mark Raymond]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If a poet writes one poem and then another, has he put himself in reverse?

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P.S. - Before I get a lot of mail, yes, I *do* realize that this year's nominees have several films that my daughter could see. Did see, in fact. I was speaking in generalizations.

Mark's Musings is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle, and e-mail by clicking here.

Special Day

ADMINISTRIVIA: Well, the good news is my blog has gotten popular enough that it's come to the attention of the spamming community. The bad news is this means I've had to add "word verification" to any comment(s) you want to leave, to prove you're a human and not a spambot. I apologize for the inconvenience, but I was beginning to spend too much time deleting all the spam, and it was only getting worse.

Meanwhile, here in the States it's Groundhog Day. Let's hear it for Punxsutawney Phil!

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Over breakfast one morning, Sally says to Steve, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

To Steve's credit, he looked like a deer caught in headlights only a moment before he indignantly exclaimed, "Of course I do," and he left for work, quickly.

That morning, a florist's van pulled up to their house and a dozen long-stemmed roses were delivered.

Shortly after lunch, another delivery brought a box of expensive chocolates and flavored mints.

In mid-afternoon, a third delivery van pulls up and drops off the expensive designer dress Sally had had her eye on, from her favorite boutique.

Just before her husband arrived home, she received a phone call, explaining that their dinner reservations for Chez Couteuse had been pushed to 7:15 p.m., regrettably. Sally was, however, surprised and thrilled, for she had always wanted to eat there.

Later that night, in the car on the way home after dinner, Sally sighed and said, "Steve, this is the *best* Groundhog's Day I've EVER had!"

To Steve's credit, the car only ran off the road a little bit.



[first seen in Charlie's Chuckles; edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "To shorten winter, borrow some money due in the Spring" (W.J. Vogel)

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Cat Baseball

This is our cat, Spot. As she approaches her fourth birthday, she is finally settling down enough to become a lap kitty.

Mind you, she's no Oscar, but we love her. Most days. Usually.

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IF BASEBALL WERE RUN BY CATS

Hard rubber ball with horsehide cover? History. New ball comes with jingle bells and catnip.

No one showers after a game; must lick themselves clean.

Catcher=Scratching Post.

Each team gets nine outs and that's it.

Interest in the peanuts is secondary to fascination with peanut shells.

Base runners must run home. Or they could climb the outfield wall. Or hide in the dugout. Or hide in the bullpen and run home the next morning.

A player is no longer charged with an error if they were simply ignoring the play.

Pitcher's mound doubles as a litter box. Umpire checks for foreign substance on ball quadruples.

Hacking up a hairball on the umpire is cause for immediate ejection.

Only three players are allowed to chase down a ball at any one time.

Seventh inning stretch lasts for the whole inning.

Before the game starts, everyone stands for the playing of the sound of a can opener.

[Chris White's Top Five on Pets w/edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: You might think that "feline" was derived from the same word that gives us "lion," but it doesn't. It's from the Latin word felis, which refers to a "cat," a "wild cat," or a "marten." Late Latin used the word felinus to describe something that belonged to a cat, or was like a cat, and that's where we get the current usage. (Thanks to the Online Etymology Dictionary.)

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This blog is available via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, Amazon Kindle and e-mail each weekday. Let Mark's Musings purr its way into your Inbox with a quick click here.