Friday, September 25, 2009

Mitch Hedberg

I don't know how comma missed it, but yesterday was National Punctuation Day. My colon was probably going through a rough period.

I'm sorry for that first paragraph. Just couldn't help myself.

Lately I've become enamored with the standup comedy of one Mitchell Hedberg. He's a lot like Stephen Wright and a lot like my "Random Acts of Thinking." He passed away in 2005, but he lives on in comedy recordings and the Internet. Here's some of his stuff. Perhaps I'll feature more in a later post.



I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something like two two two two two two two. And then when people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for awhile, and when I answer, you'll know you've pressed two enough."

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I kept losing them and I got sick of not caring.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later ... so, yeah."

When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers, that's why I bought it. I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates. They've got no faith in their own product.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, to help it achieve its full flavor potential.

By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at restaurants, because "the customer is always right."

I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?"

I just bought a two-bedroom house, but don't we get to decide how many bedrooms it has? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has lots of people sitting around watching a TV.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I am hungry," so it died.

I went to a pizzeria and ordered a slice of pizza. They gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they won a million dollars, I was given the "donate it to charity" slice. "Excuse me, I would like to exchange this for the 'Keep It!' slice."

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

[family friendly selections from WikiQuote; be aware there are many that are not]


Tomorrow is the annual "Dot's Trotters" Spaghetti Supper at our church. It's put on by a friend whose mother passed from Lou Gehrig's Disease, and Dawn does many fundraisers for ALS throughout the year. This is her big one. Not only is the food good, but she has gathered a veritable cornucopia of gifts to be raffled off after the meal. The big one this year is a 2-bedroom apartment for one year - rent free! If we win, we can save a year of storage unit fees! Woo hoo!

Ahem. I'll see you on Monday.



WEB SITE of the WEEK: In November of '08, I recommended Pandora Radio to you in this space. You can find a similar version at It's not quite as customizable, but it has the benefit of playing in its own window and you don't have to interact with it every so often to keep it playing. And they've just added the Beatles catalog for those of you who enjoy their music.


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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "A fly was very close to being called 'a land' because that's what they do half the time." (Mitch Hedberg)

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