Driving Range

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, the people who make M & M's and Dove Chocolate candies have created a way for you to "personalize" a short little two-line message on either individual M & M's or the inside of Dove Chocolate candy wrappers.

With shipping and handling, the price runs to about $40 and up, depending on the packaging you pick, but what a unique way to tell someone you love them!

The ordering process starts here.

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AT THE GOLF COURSE
An oldie but a goodie

A young lady visits the driving range at her local golf course to tone up her game. She is about to drive her first ball off the practice tee when she notices the man on the pad next to her.

"Pardon me, sir!" she calls out. "You're facing the wrong direction! You'll hit your ball straight back into the Pro Shop that way."

The man slaps the side of his face and exclaims, "Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half-blind."

He turns around and starts hitting his golf balls out into the practice range. After a few minutes, he leaned over and asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad," she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and long. Only a few are slicing."

"Tanks again, Miss," the man replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few shots later, he again leans over and inquires, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," the young woman says.

"You seem like a nice, honest, young lady, and I need an honest opinion. I don't do so vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"

"No, you're quite presentable," the lady offers. "I don't think that is your problem."

Smiling now, the man exults, "Vat a relief! I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

Just as the man tees up another ball and is about to drive it, the woman leans over and says, "Tell me, do you mind if I give you a bit of personal advice?"

"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take," the man answered.

"Get rid of your Jewish accent," the young woman suggests. "You're Chinese."

[first seen in Lab Laughs via JokeMaster]

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Keeping it short this Friday. I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: If you need to know who said it, there is really only one authoritative online resource, and that's the same source you turned to before we even had an Internet: http://www.bartleby.com. Quotations are on file from encyclopedias, thesauruses (thesaurusi?), dictionaries, the Bible, Shakespeare, Gray's Anatomy, the Farmer's Cookbook, Emily Post's etiquette, mythology, and even Robert's Rules of Order. And that only scratches the surface of available source material.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and a mystery." (H.G. Wells)