Friday, May 22, 2009

Late Night Jokes

Time for a quick sweep of what the late-night talking heads have been making jokes about, since I don't get to stay up and watch them anymore.

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"President Obama found a quick way to close Guantanamo Bay ... he's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership."

"The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on ten charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons."

"And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America's official language, 85% of the people said, 'Si'."

"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman to be the ambassador to China, part of the president's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010."

"Last week the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted that he lied about his military record."

"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One."

"A Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill."

"The government is now recommending that schools stay open even if they have a confirmed case of swine flu. I love it. In one week, the swine flu has gone from the end of the world to not as bad as snow."


[stolen politely from Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, and David Letterman]

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Have a good, long weekend. I'll see you on Monday with a Memorial Day post.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Get an easy primer on something for the kids and grandkids to do: collect stamps. Check out http://www.learnaboutstamps.com/. The language is plain, the hobby is inexpensive, and if you don't make too big a deal about it, it can be downright educational.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday - at some point during that 24 hour period - using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure those folks are certified by Habeas to be a safe sender of e-mail. That means you can trust what I send. I wouldn't lie to you. No spam. Ever. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and otherwise click your day away at my web site. (There are years of archival jokes and links, for instance, and at least three years of "Web Sites of the Week" to browse. More to come, one day.) To contact me and sooner or later get a reply, click here. Your newest American Idol, Kris Allen, is the nephew of a friend of mine. You can forward or reprint "Mark's Musings" freely but please keep the credits attached. Removing my credits may expose you to public ridicule. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring it all up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. I'm hoping to see my folks this weekend ... get out the tools to tune up my mower, Dad! (Umm, please?)

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "We put our best foot forward, but it's the other one that needs the attention." (Reverend William Sloane Coffin, Junior)

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