Going Home

We are currently in the midst of a nice, relatively warm (winterly-speaking) stretch of days. However, meteorologists are never content to let us enjoy weather like this, so today's forecast calls for anywhere from one to four inches of snow by Friday morning.

Which brings me to this. It's an explanation from Mental Floss about the concept we call "wind chill." Appropriate to the times, and all, unless you're one of my Australian readers, of course.

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The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its status as one of the coldest states in the nation. Despite a wind chill of minus 40 degrees, however, the steelworkers that had been erecting a new television tower showed up for work.

About an hour into the day, one tall Texan climbed down from the tower, walked into the trailer's makeshift office, took his lunch pail down from the shelf and headed toward the door.

"You goin' home sick?" asked the foreman, after watching this.

"Nope," replied the Texan, "just headed home to get a warmer jacket."

"Oh," replied the foreman, but persisted, "where's home?"

"Dallas."

[Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, summer and winter, day and night will never cease." (Genesis 8:22)

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Checking In

Well, this explains why my bank offers me "reward points" and prizes for signing my name on a charge instead of using the PIN for my debit card.

And the rich get richer....

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

When I worked as a clerk for a large hotel chain, I would often personalize my transactions by glancing at the name on the credit card the guest was using and then use his or her name as we finished the check-in or check-out procedure.

During one very busy check-in evening, a guest was using a corporate card and I failed to catch that. As I handed him back his card, I said, "Have a pleasant stay with us, Mr. Bell."

"Oh, please," he replied pleasantly, "call me Taco."

[used March 1, 2005, in Mark Mail]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Are the three dimensions of a credit card length, width, and debt?

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Driving with Coffee

I drink coffee. Usually a couple of cups a day, though on my days off I tend to drink less.

If you're a coffee connoisseur, you might appreciate this download.

It's a ZIP file that extracts out to a 53-page recipe book for an incredible assortment of coffees, including biscuits, scones, and sundry pastries you can nibble with your favorite cup o'caffeine.

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When my son was about six years old, we were out for a drive and as I was about to take a sip of my coffee, the lid popped off and I spilled it down the front of me and onto the seat and floor of the car.

I grumbled a bit and pulled over to clean up the mess.

My son, from his car seat in the back, gives me his sternest look, wags his finger at me, and says, "That is exactly why you are NOT supposed to drink and drive!"

[Pulpit Supply via Doc's Daily Chuckle]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils." (Henry Ward Beecher)

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One Spur

Well, the holiday celebrations are behind us, school is back in session, and for most of us, this is the day 2010 begins in earnest. Time to start taking those resolutions seriously.

And here's something that's been in research since 2001, but I've only just read about. It's a product called ReWalk, which is a cybernetic suit (something called an "exoskeleton") which, when used with crutches for stability, allows paraplegics to walk again, and even climb stairs.

Developed by a paraplegic in Israel, it looks like the company is still looking for partners to mass produce the suit, and like any new technology, it won't be cheap (some estimates put the exoskeleton at $10-15,000) ... but then again, that may indeed be cheap for the chance to walk again. At least to someone.

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A cowboy walked into a tack shop one afternoon. "How much fer a pair of spurs?" he asked the clerk.

"Forty dollars," came the reply.

The cowboy went through his wallet and all of his pockets and managed to put together just a little over half that amount. He looks at the money on the counter, deep in thought. Finally he looks up. "I'll take one spur," he says.

"One?" the clerk asks. "What are you going to do with just one?"

The cowboy rubbed his cheek and replied, "Well, I reckon if I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side'll go with it."

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Here's a word you hear every now and again: eclectic. As in, "John had an eclectic taste in music." It means drawn from a variety of sources. It's from Ancient Greece and is another of those compound words. Originally it was eklegein; "ek" meaning out, and "legein," meaning gather or choose. It was originally coined to describe a group of Greek philosophers, who selected doctrines from several different belief systems.

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All You Need is Love

Larry Norman once wrote a line about The Beatles. He wrote, "John Lennon sang 'All You Need is Love' and then they broke up." I guess his point was that they didn't love each other.

It's still a pretty good song, though ... especially when you get people and groups from 156 different countries to sing it at the same time to raise money and awareness about the AIDS crisis in Africa.

Enjoy.

Saturday Novel Experiment

I've always thought about being a writer. I have a pretty good vocabulary and enough professional experience writing and editing over the past three decades to have a decent idea about how to put words together. One of the reasons I started the blog, in fact, was in the hopes someone would see all this fine work and be unable to resist hiring me to do work I love, instead of work I'm merely good at doing.

So here goes. The opening paragraphs of something that may - or may not - eventually be bound together in one larger reading experience. I have no idea where this is going. Most likely nowhere. But I appreciate you for reading it.

-- Mark

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THE ADVENTURES OF MICHAEL MITTY
CHAPTER ONE

The phone sat on Michael's desk like an ugly taupe frog. It had steadfastly refused to ring all day. He stared at it idly, stubbornly avoiding the report he was supposed to be analyzing for his boss, Mr. Crickmeyer. Suddenly, the phone continued not ringing.

Michael sighed. He knew in his heart he was destined for great adventures, but so far his life had been nothing worth writing about. His father, now, his father had gone on adventures all the time. At least if you believed the stories he had told Michael all through his childhood. And Michael did choose to believe.

He glanced once more at the report lying there like so much coal to be shoveled into the mouth of the company furnace, and went back to staring at the phone.

And then, the phone rang. Michael was so shocked he gasped in a big breath and had to take a moment to settle his nerves. Then he picked up the receiver.

"Hello? Yes, this is Michael Mitty. Who? Really? Noooo! Is this Johnson from HR? C'mon, really? Welllll, yes. No, I suppose not. All right. Yes. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, sir. You want me to what? Well, I can hardly believe I'm the only one in the world who could ... no, sir. No, I can't disagree. Yes, sir. Yes. You can count on me, sir. Thank you, sir. Goodbye."

Michael's pulse raced. His brain raced, too, but couldn't keep up and fell behind. He could hardly believe he'd been given such an important assignment. A matter of national security. He didn't even know where to begin. But his country was counting on him.

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What will happen next? What do you think should happen next?

A New Year Prayer

Happy New Year!

I am making only one small change to the "Musings" this year. I am adding Google's "Ad Sense" - a tiny block of ads - to both my blog and my website, in a small attempt to defray my publishing costs. The e-mail version of my post will continue to be sent ad-free, just as I promised. In fact, the program policies for the Ad Sense program even prohibit me from encouraging you to click the ads, so this is the last you'll hear about it from me.

I am well into my 11^th year of sending out something funny or inspiring every weekday, with a little bit of weblog fluff and nonsense on the occasional weekend. I can't be positive, because I don't look back often, but I do believe that very little of that material has been repeated over the years.

May 2010 leave you a little closer to Christ, a little kinder, a little richer in spirit and bank account, a little closer to those you call friends and family, and still musing with me.

God Bless You, Every One.

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A NEW YEAR'S PRAYER

God of our yesterdays, our todays, and our tomorrows....

We praise you for your unequaled greatness.
Thank you for the year behind us, and the year ahead of us.
Forgive us for the times we fell short in 2009.

Help us, in this new year, Father, to fret less and laugh more.
To teach our children to laugh by laughing with them.
To teach others to love by loving them.

We know, when Love came to a stable in Bethlehem, it came for us.
So that Love could be with us, and we could know you.
That we could share your love with others.

Help us Father, to hear your love song in every sunrise,
In the chirping of the sparrows in our backyards,
In the stories of our old folks, and in the fantasies of our children.

Help us to stop and listen to your love songs,
So that we may know you more and better.

We rejoice in the world you loved into being.

Thank you for another new year and for new chances every day.

We pray for peace, for light, and for hope, that we may spread them to others.

We leave the past in your hands, and step out into this unknown new year knowing you will go with us.

We accept your gift of 2010, and we rejoice in what lies ahead.
We depend on you to help us do exactly what it is you need done.
I say it again, no matter what is to come, we rejoice!

In the name of Jesus,

Amen.

[Ha Life w/edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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We will either spend today cleaning and rearranging the furniture - our annual New Year's Day tradition - or we will chuck it all, sleep in, and go to the movies.

Either way, I'll see you on Monday.

Mark

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: Shameless Self-Promotion Dep't: I mentioned earlier that I've been writing the "Musings" for more than ten years. I started using Ezine Director about six years ago, though, so that's all the farther my archives go back. I hope to one day transfer as much material as possible to my website. For now, though, you can stroll through about six years of material at http://mrhumor.net/archive.html or check out roughly four years of blog postings at http://mrhumornet.blogspot.com/.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday using Ezine Director and I pay a little more to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and someday get a reply, click here. Like the economy, my number of readers dropped about 3% this year and there are now just under 600 of you reading these credits. You can still forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits want to start the new year out right, and that means sticking with the post through thick and thin, people. Can't do it without you. Original material and musings © 2010 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my post daily (plus I often add graphics) and very occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30 into 2010 and beyond. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. Jot down "2010" on about the next dozen checks in your checkbooks; that way you won't inadvertently write the wrong year. (Thanks, Lavonne.)

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." (Dustin Hoffman as Mr. Magorium)

Christmas Science

New Year's Eve, 2009.

One of the things my wife and I enjoy doing on this day, when we get the chance, is to go back over the calendar and reminisce about the year gone by. It's surprising how this simple exercise allows you to feel how much you've lived, and not so much like, "where did the year go?"

One of the things that 2009 brought us is something they're calling "augmented reality." Cell phone software, GPS technology, and data from the Internet were being combined in new ways this year. For example, you point your cell phone camera down a street, the software and GPS figure out where you're at and which direction you're pointing, then provide data about the businesses and shops on that street, or tell you where the nearest subway station is located.

The Christian Science Monitor is all over this, and if you click the link at the end of the article, you can see some videos about how this all works and what it looks like. Golly, even the U.S. Postal Service uses it these days.

Happy New Year, and party responsibly tonight!

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WAYS SCIENCE CAN "IMPROVE" THE CHRISTMAS EXPERIENCE

Cat-repelling force fields for Christmas trees.

A V-chip that blocks television ads for toys in households with young children.

Biodegradable Christmas lights. Put 'em up, never take 'em down! They're still gone by mid-January!

Christmas trees built like umbrellas; room for more presents underneath.

Ejector seats in couches for guests who overstay their visit.

Battery Zapper: instantly drains the batteries of any device that emits an annoying sound.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Science]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ." (Colossians 2:17)

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Pilot Competition

There are, apparently, 87 countries around the globe that still have minefields in them. One statistic I read said that between 10,000-15,000 people and animals are injured every year by these buried explosives.

Science to the rescue. Researchers in Scotland have developed a bacteria which - when sprayed on a field of landmines - turns green whenever it is near explosive material.

And you thought I was kidding.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

A young hotshot pilot in an F-18 Hornet was flying escort for a B-52 bomber and, being horribly bored, began flying rings around the bomber, hotdogging it and doing rolls where the other pilots were sure to see him.

The brash young pilot said, "Anything you can do, old dog, I can do better."

The veteran pilot responded, "Oh, yeah? Try this, kid."

For several minutes nothing happened. The B-52 continued to fly straight and level. Finally the grizzled bomber pilot came back on the radio, "Let's see you try that, hotshot."

"Try what?" asked the F-18 pilot. "What did you do?"

"I shut down two engines, got up, stretched, then got a cup of coffee."

[Smile A Day Clean Humor]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Why do pilots tell us they're on "final approach"? Did they make other approaches they *didn't* tell us about?

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Internet Illnesses

Though we're still installing and upgrading and haven't really started using them much yet, pretty much everyone in the house got a new computer for Christmas.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, Kim Komando passes along the "Reconnect" website, which specializes in recycling computer equipment. They have drop off centers throughout most of the country and are in partnership with such well known used goods stores as Goodwill, among others.

Please don't just toss old electronics into the trash. They do contain silicon chips and other materials that can be harmful to the environment. Be a good steward of God's planet.

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INTERNET ILLNESSES

Chronic :o(

Spamorrhoids

Ebayla Virus

YouTuberculosis

iThritis: Joint pain caused by using Apple products

The Common Code

[Chris White's Top Five on the Internet]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." (Andy Rooney)

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Mark's Musings comes on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, Amazon's Kindle, and via e-mail each weekday. Take that thing we call a "mouse" and click here to get your own subscription.

Monday Groaners

And so we've begun the last week of 2009. Time to check our progress on those old New Year's resolutions and start thinking about some new ones.

And that means it's also time for just about every website, blogger, and newspaper or magazine feature writer to start summing up the Best and Worst of 2009.

Fimoculous hosts the Mother of All 2009 Lists. Click with care and good judgment, people. There are almost 700 entries here.

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YOUR MONDAY GROANERS

In an old deli, the workers were told they could have any one item out of the deli case during their lunch hour; any item at all ... except the smoked salmon. That was off limits. And that's the first time anyone heard of anti-lox breaks.

In old Africa, a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as wife to the son of a neighboring clan for the price of two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to take place on the south shore of the river that separated the two villages. The father and bride showed up at the appointed place on time, only to see that the groom and his livestock were waiting on the north side of the river. "That fool," muttered the father, "doesn't even know which side his bride is bartered on."

Tina Gold, the famed Hollywood agent, was once so distraught at being unable to find work for one of her clients that upon reporting she had failed to the young starlet, she burst into tears. The ingénue patted her on the back and said, "Don't cry for me, Agent Tina."

"Doctor, doctor! I think I might be a burglar!"
"Have you taken anything for it?"

Did you know that Superman used to use puns to entertain his girlfriend? That's why they're called the Lois form of humor.

[JokeMaster]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Here's a word I find myself using quite often, actually. When you have a lot of something to do - say phone calls to make - you have a plethora of phone calls to make. It's lifted straight from Medieval Latin and Greek and means "fullness" in the sense of an abundance of fullness. It was used during the 1500s in the medical profession to describe an excess of bodily fluids and found its way into everyday use.

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Random Thoughts IV - 2009

You know, every year someone - whether it be a radio commentator, an actor on television, a columnist, or some other politically correct talking head with an axe to grind - makes the point that Jesus was actually born some time in the Spring or Summer and the early church fathers moved the celebration of his birthday to December to detract from, disguise, or even "sanctify" the pagan ritual of Festivus, or the secular commemoration of the Winter Solstice.

Which may well be true.

But that does *nothing* to take away from the miraculous event of God stepping out of eternity and clothing himself with the shackles of time, humbling his form to put on flesh in the person we call Jesus of Nazareth. No matter when it happened, it happened.

Merry Christmas!

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RANDOM ACTS of THINKING, 2009
Part the Last

I keep telling my wife I'm fit as a fiddle. A cello is a fiddle, isn't it?

Every morning has the potential to be the dawn of a new error.

Bubble wrap is good for wrapping just about anything ... except bubbles.

My wife and I had words. I didn't get to use mine.

Some days I think the most valuable function of the government is to serve as a topic of conversation.

I'm taking karate lessons, but only a few. I want to learn just enough to handle the office vending machines.

A new study says that dark chocolate relieves stress. Mostly the stress of me trying to diet.

I think I'm playing too many video games. The other day I saw a banana peel in the road and swerved to avoid it.

If they charge more to add items to my hamburger, shouldn't I get a discount if I ask them to leave stuff *off* my hamburger?

Ever since I stopped texting while driving, I've been really looking forward to red lights.

If you spend too much green, you'll end up in the red. I think that must be why those are the colors of Christmas.

My company dropped their health care plan. So they moved the employee parking lot ten blocks away.

I got an unrealtor's license. Now I can sell imaginary estate.

[owing a debt of thanks to, a sincere appreciation of, a fond affection for, and a great big dollop of gratitude to Net 153, Mikey's Funnies, United Comic Syndicates, The Ironic Times, Trés Sugar blog, Randy Glasbergen, and the mind of Mark Raymond]

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A weekend filled with no obligations and nothing to do except enjoy the Christmas gifts. And maybe buy some groceries.

Anyway, I'll see you on Monday.

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WEB SITE of the WEEK: I'll finish up my webcomics series today by pointing the way to http://www.worthytoons.com/. This site is a collection of comics created by Christian artists.

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Mark's Musings is sent each weekday, when I get around to it but usually in the wee hours of the morning, using Ezine Director and I pay a little extra every day to make sure my posts are certified by Habeas to be a safe source of e-mail. That means no ads, no spam, and no worries. Subscribe, view past issues in my Archives, and do other things over at my web site. To contact me and one day get a reply, click here. Did you know that "merry" used to mean "mighty"? Robin Hood had mighty men, not happy men. May you have the mightiest Christmas ever! You can forward or reprint Mark's Musings freely but please keep the credits attached. The credits should never be taken off the post without a receipt. Original material and musings © 2009 by Mark Raymond. I update this blog with a copy of my e-mail post daily and occasionally with "bonus material" whenever the mood or muse strikes. Look for the label that says "bonus" and you can bring all that extra material up with one click. My personal mission statement remains John 3:30. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/baldmark/. And the road goes ever on.

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WORDS for YOUR WEEKEND: "Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a single sentence. If you gain fifteen minutes a day, it will make itself felt at the end of the year." (Horace Mann)

Unrecorded Comments

Christmas Eve, 2009.

My son was home for about 12 hours yesterday, but he brought gifts (and was well gifted, in return). In fact, he got me that Kindle e-reader I've been wanting ... thank you, son!

So, of course, the first thing I did was add my blog to the list of blogs to which you can subscribe, if you happen to own an Amazon Kindle Reader. Look for "Mark's Musings." Like all the other blogs on Amazon, it's $1.99 per month to subscribe, but I get a small portion of that, which will help offset my costs.

With one more trip to the Post Office this afternoon, I will have completed all of my current projects and can focus solely on our Christmas Eve service tonight and, of course, Christmas Day tomorrow. Yes, there will be a post. You're due for one final annual installment of Random Thoughts.

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UNRECORDED COMMENTS AT THE BIRTH OF CHRIST

"What are the chances one of these animals has ice chips?"

"What do you mean, epidurals won't be invented for 2,000 years???"

"I don't suppose the 'Heavenly Host' know how to change a diaper...."

"No, I like the halo. It's like his own little nightlight."

"Well, with this kind of beginning, I don't suppose he'll amount to much...."

"He looks just like his father."

[Chris White's Top Five on Parenting; edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6)

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Claus Memo

This year my daughter has been wondering why we ask people for a Christmas list. "What fun is it to give someone a gift when they know what it will be?" Which reminded me that we used to give "area gifts" ... we'd get a Christmas list from someone just to see what kind of stuff they liked, and then buy something based on an area of their interests, but not on their list.

We weren't very popular in our family for a few years. Now we stick with traditional methods. People seem to enjoy the surprise of discovering just which item(s) from their list was chosen.

Speaking of tradition, the North American Defense Grid - otherwise known as NORAD - is once again setting up a website where you can track Santa's flight as he departs the North Pole Thursday night.

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MEMORANDUM
From: Commander, Joint Arctic Operations Detachment
Subject: Distinguished Visitor
Date: 23 December 2009

1. An official visit by Major General Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2009. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the actions of all personnel during said visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This includes indigenous mice.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2009.

c. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for use in visions dancing through heads.

d. Stockings, wool, cushioned sole, will be hung by chimney with care.

e. At the first sign of clatter from company lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.

f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2009, all personnel will be assigned "Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters and sashes opened, these stations will be manned.

g. ODCSLOG will assign to MG Claus one each Sleigh, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny. Rooftop parking will be authorized.

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during these ceremonies.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in synchronized shouting of "Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night." Uniformity of shouting will be responsibility of division chiefs.

[Mikey's Funnies, again, edited and abridged by Mark Raymond]

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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: (Golden Classic) If Good King Wenceslas ordered pizza, would it be deep pan, crisp and even?

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Mark's Musings is conveyed to you via RSS Feed, Facebook Note, and e-mail and can be gifted right to your own Inbox each weekday (for free) by clicking here.

Confusing Santa

Though empirical evidence says otherwise, yesterday was actually the *first* day of winter. And now the days begin to get longer again.

I can't remember who sent this to me (apologies if it was you), or perhaps I simply ran across it in the course of my daily Internet travels, but it is one cool little treat. I sent an experimental video to my wife and folks, it was pretty darn delightful.

If you've got a child, grandchild, teenager, or even an adult family member or friend who needs a personalized visit from Santa - whether they've been naughty or nice - try the Portable North Pole.

It's free and five easy screens of details will send a fun and lasting memory to a loved one.

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WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad with a note filled with helpful dieting tips.

Leave a note by the phone saying Mrs. Claus called and could he pick up some egg nog and a fruitcake on the way home?

Remove everything from the home. Buy a policeman's costume. When Santa shows up, strut out with your billy club and say, "Well, well, they always return to the scene of the crime."

Decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Leave out your Christmas list, full of last-minute subtractions and additions.

Set up your living room like a workshop and dress lots of neighborhood kids up as elves. When Santa arrives, say, "Back so soon?"

Santa doesn't leave until that bicycle is put together. Correctly.

[originally seen in Mikey's Funnies with several additions from around the Web]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." (Shirley Temple Black)

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Mark's Musings flies in on an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note on my profile, and comes with a bow on an e-mail each weekday. Ho-Ho here to get your own subscription.