Vacation, Thy Name is Offline

Okay, so I didn't post "later today." I *would* have updated the blog while I was out on vacation, except my furshlugginer laptop decided to kill my wireless Internet connection and so I was completely offline for the past two-and-a-half days.

Traumatic, indeed.

At any rate, above is my favorite picture from our trip to Ludington, which sits about an hour north of Muskegon, which is about 30 minutes north of Grand Rapids, which is about 2 hours west of our home, to give you some idea of perspective. Our hotel was only a block away from the Lake Michigan shoreline, which was very nice.

We had walked out to the North Point Pier Lighthouse, and the photo was snapped by my photog wife on the walk back. It's our son, Matthew, and his fiancee, Jenn. They had decided to jump over the cracks in the cement and Bonnie captured them mid-jump ... looks like they're levitating, doesn't it? For as much as they love each other, they might as well be walking on air.

I'm back at home and back to work, now, but hey, anytime you're away from the job and the city with some people you love, it's all good.

Anybody Got A Feather Duster?

Wow. Look at all the dust in here. Layers of it on this blog.

Blog. What's a blog? Well, kids, it's the "shorthand" name for a Web Log. You know, a log, as in "Captain's Log, Stardate....." It's meant to be a diary of sorts, for all the WWW to see. You know, a diary, as in a recording of events in your life.

I confess I've been an awfully poor reporter of late.

But that's going to change. Truly. If I don't start posting here at least once a week, I'm going to bring this thing to an end. Put it out of my misery. Write it off. Call in the dogs. Put out the fire. Turn out the lights.

Well, you get the idea.

I'll be back later today with the first of my vacation posts.

Baseball Glossary, Part 1 of 5

Since the Boys of Summer are in full swing, and I am a big baseball fan, I thought I'd do you a little public service and go over some of those colorful expressions the announcers use as you watch the ball games. I won't attempt to go into the etymology of these words or phrases, as that would go into extra innings, but I will give you a handy little reference guide. Today we will discuss some of those quirky terms that describe some of the plays in baseball. But first, one general definition:

Bush League - The minors. You've heard explorers in Africa talk about going out into the bush, which essentially means the wilderness. The same reasoning applies here. All major league teams are in major cities, leaving the minor league teams to find support in the "wilderness" of small town America. (Well, smaller town America.) Places like Peoria, or Wilkes-Barre, or Grand Rapids. Interestingly, this has also become an insult in our culture, as in, "That was really bush league, George," meaning not professional, or intentionally small-minded and mean.

Can of Corn - an easy fly ball. (As easy to catch as a can of vegetables tossed to you lightly, and hit about as well.)

Frozen Rope - a baseball hit very hard on a line drive to the outfield. Hit so hard it almost leaves an after-image on your retinas, hence the frozen rope image.

Seeing-Eye Single - kind of the opposite of a frozen rope. This is a base hit (meaning the batter hit the ball and reached base safely) that more or less dribbled through the infield and none of the fielders were able to reach it and make a play on the ball.

Texas League Single - a cross between the previous two. It generally defines a ball hit in a little "flare" of an arc and it lands softly - and safely - between an infielder who went back to try and catch it and the outfielder rushing forward to try and catch it. The Texas League wasn't quite up to major league standards, and neither is this base hit.

Grand Slam - Despite both tennis and golf appropriating this term, it refers to a home run hit when the bases are loaded, driving in four runs. The "grand" refers to the bases being full of runners and the "slam" refers to the home run.

Ducks on the Pond - this means there are runners on base for the batter to try and drive home with a base hit.

Walk Off Homer - a home run hit in the bottom of the last inning that gives the home team the victory. You hit the homer and then everyone can walk off the field because the game is done.

Bunt - this is a play where the batter intentionally tries to tap the ball just a few feet from home plate, attempting to force the first or third baseman to field the ball so the runner on first (usually) can safely move to the next base. It is also called a "sacrifice" because the batter has sacrificed his turn at bat to move up the runner. (The batter is almost invariably thrown out.)

Swinging Bunt - this is kind of a comedic version of the previous. The batter takes a full swing, but catches just a small bit of the ball and the result dribbles in front of home plate just a few feet, as if he had intentionally laid down a bunt.

Squeeze Play, or "Suicide Squeeze" - this is a bunt with a man on third base, who comes screaming down the third base line attempting to slide home when the ball was hit just a few feet from the plate. You don't see this in major league baseball much anymore.

Hit and Run - technically this is a "run and hit." The runner on first base takes off for second, drawing the second baseman back toward that bag, thinking the runner is attempting to steal. The batter then attempts to hit the ball between first and second base, which - theoretically - should be open because the second baseman is sprinting toward second base. The success of this play usually depends upon the batter having what is called "good bat control." If he misses the ball, the runner is usually thrown out stealing. If he hits the ball but not where he should, the play often results in two outs instead of one.

There you have the first installment. Hope that helps. I'll also be doing "glossaries" on hitting terms, fielding terms, and pitching terms over the next couple of weeks.

Of Unicorns and Alligators

I woke up this morning with the refrain from "The Unicorn Song" running through my head. Y'know, that old hit by The Irish Rovers that some radio stations drag out every March.

You got your green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty-backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants
But sure as you're born
Don't you forget the unicorn

Only in my dream/wake version, I was singing "You got your blue alligators."

Why? Why?? WHY??? Why would my brain do that? Any armchair psychologists out there?

I left a window cracked open last night. You think maybe I was just cold? You can't get much more cold-blooded than a blue alligator, am I right?

Am I right?

Idiots Are Among Us

First of all, let me tell you right up front that I say that with love.

The other day I read in some random "Overheard in the Office" pages about one worker saying to another coworker, "Hey, it's not my fault the guy is an idiot. Though it was probably my fault that I told him so." The tag line was, "But in all fairness, he didn't seem to know."

I confess I laughed until I stopped.

Let me give you an example from my everyday life. One of the things we do at my job is process applications for United States passports. The questions are really pretty basic, and one of them is your height. The State Department doesn't care about your weight, apparently, but they want to know how tall you are.

I overheard this conversation transpire between one of my coworkers and a passport applicant.

"Ma'am, you put down that you're 10 feet, 6 inches tall?"

"I did?"

"I don't think you're 10 feet tall, ma'am."

"No, I'm not."

"See right here? Where you wrote 10?"

"That's my shoe size."

"What....?"

"Well, it says 'feet'!"

In all fairness, I don't think she knew she was an idiot.

Signs of Spring

I saw the first real signs of Spring just a couple of days ago.

I saw my first housefly of the year.

I saw a blonde in a convertible, hair flapping in the wind.

This weekend I experienced something that tells me Spring is finally here for sure.

I mowed my yard.

What are your signs of Spring?

Short Rant

"By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done." (Genesis 2:2)

The Seventh Day. The Sabbath Day. A holy day. A Day of Rest.

As Christians, we supposedly believe this.

THEN WHY IS SUNDAY THE BUSIEST DAY OF THE WEEK FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE????

Aargh.

Arthur Itis and Me

Well, according to my doctor - and several x-rays - I have officially joined 35 million other Americans who have Osteoarthritis in their joints. I knew I had it in my fingers, which is not too bad yet, but now it seems I have a touch in my left elbow (it goes well with my golfer's elbow), and quite a bit more in my right hip, which is also suffering a 50% loss in cartilage.

Yep, I've reached the age where my vocabulary revolves around learning words ending in -itis, -oscopy, or -ectomy.

My condition was, apparently, brought on by my job, which involves standing for eight hours a day. Well, that and being too ding-dang fat.

USA Weekend says I should start taking glucosamine and lose weight. Yes, I'm trying. Mind you, the pain is certainly tolerable at this early juncture, but I am getting a sneak preview of what the future holds and Bette Davis was right:

"Old age is no place for sissies."

Anybody have any home remedies?

Everyone's on a Diet

According to Webster's Dictionary, the first definition of diet is "food and drink regularly provided or consumed." Your diet is simply that which makes up the sum total of what you put in your mouth and stomach. So everyone's on a diet.

Some diets are good. Some diets are bad. Some diets are very bad, indeed.

Part of the problem with losing weight is this tendency to think in terms of goals: 10 pounds, 20 pounds, etc. As soon as we hit our goal, we think the diet is over and we slip back into our old routines and before you know it, the weight is back. I actually lost more than 40 pounds about six years ago and now here it is, all back and I'm bigger than ever. The weight I lost found some friends while it was away and now they've all come home and they're having a party on my torso.

So I need not just a new diet, but a new diet lifestyle. A permanent change in the way I think about and consume food so that when the weight goes, it stays off.

It's not just a matter of finding a thin person and eating only what he or she eats, it's a matter of finding the right balance between caloric intake and caloric burn-off. To lose weight, you increase burn or reduce intake (preferably both if you want to lose weight more quickly). To keep it off, you find the balance. This is where your metabolism comes into the picture.

I suspect people have the wrong idea about metabolism. They think that fat people have a poor metabolism. The truth, as I understand it, is exactly the opposite. Skinny people have the bad metabolism. It's horribly inefficient. They can eat and eat and their body does nothing with those extra calories. They simply fall through the holes in their inefficient metabolism and run right out the other ends.

People with weight problems, on the other hand, have an exquisitely efficient metabolism. Not even one calorie can sneak through without being stored as fat for possible later consumption. I even look at a piece of cake and I gain a half pound.

So, like many things in life, it comes down to simple mathematics. Doctors J. Arthur Harris and Francis G. Benedict developed the gold standard of metabolic rate in the Harris-Benedict equation. The formula is different for men vs. women, but here it is in a basic form:

MEN: (13.75 x weight) + (5 x height) - (6.77 x age) + 66.5
WOMEN: (9.56 x weight) + (1.85 x height) - (4.68 x age) + 655.1

These calculations give you your "basal metabolic rate," or BMR. You can do the math yourself or visit one of several handy calculators found on the web. Like this one. This result is approximately (and studies show that's just what it is: approximate) the number of calories you would burn if you stayed in bed all day. It was essentially designed to figure out the caloric requirements of bed-ridden patients in hospital so they could be fed nutritionally and not gain weight.

But here's how you use the figure: eat just about what your BMR is, and you should lose weight, once you consider that most of you are NOT bedridden and you will burn up some of your stored fat simply by being up and moving around in the normal course of your day. Of course, if you exercise, you'll burn up even more.

The hassle in this whole deal is learning the caloric value of every stinkin' thing you put in your mouth, and that ain't easy. But it gets back to that lifestyle change thing and making the commitment to get the weight off and keep it off.

The next time I talk about this stuff we'll discuss how many calories it takes to lose a pound.

Mixed Message?

Pretty dresses, aren't they? I saw them on the "Mental Floss" blog. They're made by Brazilian artist Adriana Bertini and they're on display at the Fowler Museum at the University of California, Los Angeles until March 11.

Here's the kicker: the dresses are made entirely from discarded condoms that couldn't pass the quality control test at the factory. It's part of an AIDS awareness push and there are 14 outfits in the entire collection.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do know that unprotected sex outside of marriage is not good. For that matter, any sex outside of marriage is probably not a good thing, but it would be sheer lunacy on our part to think it's going to stop.

Now, unprotected sex inside of marriage leads to a whole different set of issues, but I'll leave that by for another time.

Of course, no one has yet come up with a better solution for preventing sexually-transmitted diseases than abstinence.

But if a woman had the nerve to wear one of these things, I'm wondering what kind of message it would actually send...?

My Journey to Thin, Chapter 1

Well, as I promised a few weeks ago, I kept a meticulous food journal for the past three-plus weeks.

That very act helped me lose three pounds. I weighed in this past Friday at 251 pounds. Three weeks, three pounds. Hey, it's a start.

I have only one goal until the end of the year: try to maintain that tiny bit of weight loss through the holiday rich foods-great snacking-you'd be a fool to starve yourself period.

Reviewing my food journal, I see there was a little too much emphasis on late night eating, especially ice cream ... so I'm also going to try and cut down on that.

Come the first of the year, I'll give exercise another serious effort. We bought a treadmill and everything recently.

Your encouraging words are appreciated.

W.W.J.P.?

At the end of every week, in the fine print of Friday's post, you'll find my personal mission statement in life: John 3.30. This verse says, essentially (depending on what translation you read), "He must become more; I must become less." My goal in life is to grow more and more into the image of Jesus. Indeed, that is what the very word "Christian" means.

Carol Mead, a remarkable writer with a wonderful gift of finding the holy in the ordinary (please visit her website), said it quite well in a recent post titled, "Mirror Christianity."

Commercials for a high-definition television say that the TV's clear picture results from thousands of tiny mirrors inside the set. Those mirrors produce, as closely as technologically possible, the "exact mirror image of the source material." To explain the high-quality picture, the ads say, "It's the mirrors."

We long for a clear picture of how God looks and acts, and each person has the potential to be one of those tiny mirrors reflecting God's image. If each of us lived only for God, then together we would produce a nearly exact image of the Source. Sadly, most of us can barely reflect God's image accurately for one moment, much less a lifetime, so the image of God appearing through us remains distorted and broken.

Occasionally, though, when we get it right, a glimpse of God appears. When we show selfless love for another person, we reflect the perfect love of God ... so it's not that God chooses to remain completely hidden, as we have the potential to reflect him. The problem is not God.

It's the mirrors.

Speaking of reflecting Christ more perfectly, the title of Carol's piece reminded me of another lesson I recently read regarding a passage in C.S. Lewis' seminal work, "Mere Christianity." It dealt with our prayer life. Lewis says that whenever we pray to "Our Father in Heaven," or "God, the Father" we are, quite literally, claiming to be his son or daughter.

And that means that when we pray, we are "dressing up as Christ." That concept blows me away and makes a sham of all my selfish prayers to just get me through the day, help me lose weight, and bless my latest endeavors. It spins an entirely different perspective on my prayer life.

So it's not so much "What Would Jesus Do?" as it is, "What Would Jesus Pray?"

- FLASH -

Time for another snapshot of my little corner of the world.

What I'm reading: I'm in progress on two books at the moment. One is an escapist little children's story by Cornelia Funke: The Thief Lord. My daughter ordered it through Scholastic and hasn't yet bothered to read it and I was desperate for some fiction one night, so I picked it up. The other book is Flyboys by James Bradley. He's the man who wrote Flags of Our Fathers, which some of you may have seen at the cinema, courtesy of Mr. Eastwood. It chronicles World War II in the Pacific arena through the perspective of the fighter pilots and crew. At times it can be quite, umm, graphic in its detailing of the horrors of war.

What I'm hearing: The Lead Instructor for my Computer Lab Cadre just congratulated all of us by giving us copies of The Trans-Siberian Orchestra's latest CD. It's awesome.

What I'm watching: Being a guy who appreciates good science fiction, I was on the "Heroes" bandwagon from the start. I also thoroughly enjoy "Studio 60"; I think it's the best written show on television and Aaron Sorkin is one writer who doesn't insult our intelligence. Still a big fan of "NCIS" on Tuesdays and we still catch "Numb3rs" Friday nights. We've sort of fallen off the "Lost" bandwagon. And oh, we also enjoy "The Closer" on TNT. Happy it's back.

What I've paid money to see: Don't tell my wife, but my daughter Amanda and I snuck off to see Happy Feet while she was in Florida. It's full of rhythm throughout and is a nice story with a nifty little ecological twist near the end. Go once for the story and twice for the soundtrack.

My latest wonder: I saw an article about "Generation Y" and it set me to thinking. All this "generational" talk began with the Baby Boomers, then it was the "Gen-X" crowd, now it's the "Generation Y" group of kids just starting/finishing college. What's next? Generation Z? And what happens after that? Is it the end of the human race? Or will the alphabet start over again? Maybe - since we've been through it once already - we'll start at Generation AA? And what will the battery people have to say about that?

My latest "Little Joy": Backing into a parking spot. Folks, it is sooooo much easier when you leave. Safer, too.

What I'm trying to get done: I'm in the middle of editing/writing some documents for my daughter's choir, I need to update my fantasy baseball league's Constitution, my band is in "negotiations" (for lack of a better word) with my church to be officially adopted as a ministry, there's a few more Christmas gifts to buy, lots more cleaning to do on the house, and my office is just about hopeless. I think the paperwork is winning.


That's about all from this end of the swamp.

A Light in the Dark

So I'm driving home from a computer lab class today ... it's about an hour's drive, in good weather.

Today the weather was not good.

Not only was the evening gloaming coming on, but the clouds gathered and the sky grew extraordinarily dark, and then it began to pelt down big, wet, splattery drops of rain.

But here's the cool thing. All the way home I was listening to a CD by The Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and right when things get their darkest and gloomiest outside, on comes a song featuring a children's choir and a melody that just takes wing and soars inside my vehicle and echoes all the way down into the depths of my heart.

The lyrics spoke of Christ coming at Christmas, bringing light and hope to the world. That song, at that moment, saved me. Just as things got their darkest, I was reminded that there is a Light no storm or gloom or black of night can quench.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned."

-- Isaiah 9:2

Aftermath

So my car was broken into this past Saturday and the thief took our digital camera, which I thought I had hidden underneath the seat ... apparently not well enough. The photo, by the way, is just one I found on the web, not our car. Couldn't get a picture of that because I NO LONGER HAVE A CAMERA.

But I'm not bitter.

Wait, yes I am. Mostly at myself, actually. I knew I should have put the bloody thing in the trunk but just didn't want to take the time.

I've been broken into before, many years ago, when I lived in a fairly shabby tenement with disreputable neighbors living upstairs and not much security on either door. My apartment was broken into several times, actually. Usually they just took food and whatever cash I'd left lying around. After those robberies, I felt, well, violated. Angry, vulnerable, and violated. I moved as soon as I could.

But this time I just feel stupid.

Stupid and broke. It's nearly $200 to fix the broken window and another several hundred to replace the camera. What's that? Insurance? Well, if we had more coverage than just the classic PL/PD on our vehicles, perhaps that would apply. As it is, we're just out a ton of money ... at least half a ton, anyway.

Man, these lessons are too expensive to be learning at my age.