Mark's Musings

This Ain't Nothin'

2011-07-25T18:33:00.004-04:00

I'd never heard of Craig Morgan until I started listening to SiriusXM's "The Highway." When I heard this song I was immediately moved. But then, as life goes on, it slipped into the back of my mind.

Heard it again today. Tried to sing along, but discovered I just can't sing when I'm crying. Maybe it's because Mom's "heart of gold stopped pumping" just recently.

I hope it puts a few things in perspective for you.

I'm Back ... Sort Of

2011-07-04T17:46:00.006-04:00

Mercy. You see what happens when I give myself permission to get enough sleep? The post goes away.

But seriously, a heavy combination of family, work, band, church, and union have had me wearing so many hats since early May I can't find the one labeled, "Musings."

And my Mom passed away about three weeks ago. I want to take a moment and thank each and every one of you who offered up prayers or kind thoughts. Dad would still welcome them, I'm sure, as he "reboots" his life and makes the adjustment to being single after 40 years of marriage.

I am afraid, however, that the post is quite likely to be more miss than hit over the rest of the summer. Starting at the end of this month, I will be away from home more than I'm in it. My band is providing the worship music for two services daily at a Christian Family Camp at the end of July, and the day after that's done I fly to Florida for a union convention ... two weeks later I once again head out for an Alaskan cruise as my father's travel buddy followed by another weekend in Chicago to celebrate my daughter's birthday.

Goodness! And I'm not even retired!! (Probably not going to receive the Employee of the Month award anytime soon....)

So I'm thinking you should expect that I'll try to post something once or twice a week, but it may be less than that ... or I could surprise everyone (myself included) and post more. Time will tell.

But enough about me. On with the post!

And for your link today, check out 20 Things You Might Not Know about the classic movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which recently celebrated its 40th anniversary.

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There is no such thing as a "national" holiday in the United States of America and that is just how the founding fathers wanted it. Congress has no authority to establish holidays that the 50 states are required to observe, they can merely name "federal" holidays (meaning a day off) for employees of the federal government and the District of Columbia.

It is up to the individual states to determine their own holidays. Many follow the lead of the federal government. In fact, all 50 states do recognize Independence Day as an official holiday and most private sector employers follow suit and give the day off to their non-essential employees. So, it seems like a national holiday even though it technically isn't.

States are also free to invent their own holidays. Hawaii celebrates King Kamehameha Day on June 11 to recognize the leader who united the separate islands. Schoolchildren in Illinois get the first Monday in March off to honor Casimir Pulaski, a Polish hero of the American Revolution who never set foot in the state.

Utah recognizes the arrival of Brigham Young and the other Mormons fleeing religious persecution on July 24, 1847 with Pioneer Day.

Some local governments even establish their own special holidays. Hence, Evacuation Day in Boston, which is theoretically a commemoration of some historical event but since it occurs on the day after St. Patrick's Day, is thought of by most as "sleeping-it-off" day.

The 4th of July as a holiday began before there even was a nation or federal government to speak of. Philadelphia recognized the first anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1777 with parades, fireworks, and other activities we still associate with the day. It was first recognized as an official holiday by Massachusetts, before the Revolutionary War had ended.

Interestingly, Congress didn't make Independence Day a federal holiday until 1870 - but it was a day without pay until 1938 when Congress decided to throw federal employees a bone and make it a paid holiday. They also established that if the 4th falls on a Saturday, the day will be observed on Friday for workers on a Mon-Fri schedule and if it falls on a Sunday, it will be observed on Monday.

[selected from Oh My Gov's "BureauPat" column]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Have six months of 2011 gone by already? July is National Grilling Month. It's Nectarine and Garlic Month (*there's* a combination to try). Thursday is Global Forgiveness Day. And though its popularity has waned here in the States, Teddy Bear Picnic Day on this Sunday coming up apparently remains popular around the world.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Still Here

2011-05-24T09:12:00.003-04:00

Contrary to what it feels like, this blog is not yet defunct.

A combination of family, work, band, church, and a couple of other hobbies have slipped ahead of posting stuff in my priority list.

Sadly, this situation looks like it may last for much of the summer, so things will be more miss than hit here. Thanks for your patience, all.

Mark

Dumb Telemarketer

2011-05-03T21:43:00.002-04:00

My wife and I received a call this evening that had me wondering if we were still on the "Do Not Call" registry.

You know about that, right?

It's a free federal service run by the Federal Trade Commission that blocks most telemarketers from calling you. You can still be called by political parties, charities, and organizations conducting surveys, but calls trying to sell you stuff drop right off. And your registration is forever.

And yes, we're still on it.

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Our daughter stayed home one weekend while my wife and I went on a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary.

At some point while we were gone, the telephone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Telemarketer: "Hello, may I speak to Mr. Raymond?"

Daughter: "I'm sorry, but Mr. Raymond is out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary."

Telemarketer: "How nice for him! Well, then, may I speak to Mrs. Raymond?"

[retold from Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end." (Fred Couples)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Yo Momma - A Joke Tradition

2011-05-02T20:37:00.003-04:00

What do salmon, dark leafy greens, and beans have in common?

Would you believe they're all good for your hair?

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{I know Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, so I'd better get these "Yo Momma" jokes out of the way today. Absolutely *nothing* "racist" here. "Yo Momma" jokes are an old, old tradition in comedy. And in keeping with the above, they are all about food. -- MR}

Yo Momma is so dumb, she wonders why her bell peppers don't ring.

Yeah, well, yo Momma is so dumb, she thinks the Mayo Clinic is a sandwich shop!

Yo Momma is so dumb she thinks chicken nuggets came out of a mine.

Yo Momma is so dumb she went to a Jimmy Buffet concert and thought it was all-you-can-eat!

Well, yo Momma is so fat every time she goes to McDonald's they have to change the number on their sign!

Yo Momma is so dumb she quit her French cooking class when she found out they weren't covering fries or toast.

Yo Momma thinks you have to put on a coat to serve chili.

Okay, okay. Yo Momma is so dumb she thinks spinach in your teeth is a recipe!

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Food]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: May is National Better Hearing Month (insert obligatory "Eh? What's that?" joke here). It's also National Hamburger Month, National Meditation Month, and National Family Month. It's Be Kind to Animals Week (which is *every* week for my daughter), Drinking Water Week, National Hug Holiday Week, Astronomy Week, and National Teacher Appreciation Week. Wednesday is the Great American Grump Out Day. Thursday is Cinco de Mayo, of course, and Friday is International Tuba Day.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Missing Hubby

2011-04-28T22:38:00.002-04:00

Well, this is just about the coolest thing I've seen in awhile, and I have to give proper credit right up front to Ms. Kim Komando for pointing it out to me.

They're called "cinemagraphs," and they are a combination of video and photography that make very nifty pictures.

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A woman arrived at her local police department to report the disappearance of her husband.

"Do you have a photograph of him?" the desk sergeant inquired.

"Yes, I do," the woman replied and handed one over.

The officer took a good look at it and then asked, "If we find him, is there a message you'd like us to give him?"

"Yes. Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

[Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

More Useless Inventions

2011-04-26T21:36:00.005-04:00

Well, Mom made it through Easter, but her health continues to fail, slowly. Keep her and Dad in your kind thoughts and good prayers, as I know you will.

And then, just as Bonnie's aunt gets the surgery set up for her breast cancer, her husband (Bonnie's uncle-in-law) suffers a stroke!

So my dear wife is off again, looking after family, bless her heart. Should only be a few days this time ... but, you know, that's what we said last November and it turned into five weeks!

So, yeah ... just the joke today. Again.

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MORE USELESS INVENTIONS

Inflatable dartboard

Waterproof Towel

Powdered Water

Pedal-Powered Wheelchair

See-Through Toilet Paper

Connect-the-Dots Roadmap

[selected from Net 153's Sunday Funnies]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Everyone is ignorant on different subjects." (Will Rogers, with thanks to Molly Rhea's Quotes of the Day)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Good Friday, 2011

2011-04-22T22:27:00.002-04:00

Posts have been spotty this week, I know. I was tabbed to produce our Good Friday evening service and have been focused on that.

Dad tells me Mom is even closer to slipping into the Afterlife, and it's Good Friday, so this may be a good time to contemplate our own mortality. Carolyn Arends, a Canadian singer-songwriter has some thoughts on the subject.

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A GOOD FRIDAY THOUGHT

For whatever reason God chose to make man as he is -- limited and suffering and subject to sorrows and death -- He had the honesty and the courage to take his own medicine. Whatever game He is playing with His creation, He has kept His own rules and played fair. He can exact nothing from man that He has not exacted from Himself. He has Himself gone through the whole of human experience, from the trivial irritations of family life and the cramping restrictions of hard work and lack of money to the worst horrors of pain and humiliation, defeat, despair and death. When He was a man, He played the man. He was born in poverty and died in disgrace and thought it well worthwhile.

[Dorothy Sayers, writing in "Creed or Chaos?" back in 1949, as quoted in Monday Fodder]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: And there's your winner for this week -- my cyber missionary friend, Dave Aufrance, publishes a weekly newsletter with all his ministry and missionary news from Hong Kong, then adds a healthy dollop of "Serious Fodder" and "Guffaw Fodder" along with some photos, then ties it all up in a bundle he calls Monday Fodder.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Weather Vane

2011-04-19T22:01:00.003-04:00

Golly. A third of the season is just about gone, and we're still waiting for Spring. It *snowed* yesterday! Michigan (shakes head in bafflement). Guess we'll call it Wintring. In a couple of months we'll be having sprummer.

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Famous preacher C.H. Spurgeon told the story of a pastor who was out for a walk in the countryside when he stopped by a farmhouse for a drink of water. As he sipped from his glass, he struck up a conversation with the old farmer who lived there.

As they spoke, the pastor noticed that the farmer's barn had a weathervane on it that was spinning around in the wind, which was picking up. On the weathervane the words "God is Love" were engraved.

The pastor turned to the farmer and said, "I have to say I don't think that's a very good way to talk about God's love. Are you saying His love is wishy-washy and changes, depending on which way the wind blows?"

"Not at all," replied the farmer. "That weathervane is saying, 'No matter which way the wind blows, God is Love'."

[Sermon Central Weekly Newsletter via Wit and Wisdom]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Isn't it funny that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?" (Kelvin Throop III)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Palm Sunday: Rise Up!

2011-04-17T00:02:00.001-04:00

My Facebook friend - Pastor Scott Salo from Clio, Michigan - had this posted and, indeed, my spirit "rose up" while I watched.

It's called "Dance Your Shoes Off" - it was a shoe donation campaign from Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas.

I found it extremely appropriate for Palm Sunday.

The song is entitled "Rise Up" and was commissioned by Second Baptist Church for this event. It is produced by Joshua Moore. The singer is Lauren James Camey, a member of Second Baptist.

Tax Humor

2011-04-14T23:30:00.002-04:00

My wife and I donned our spelunking gear and dove into the "Big Dig" today. That's where we comb through every lick of paper piled on my desk and in nearby piles (that's not a typo; some people have a filing system ... I have a piling system). We're on our annual tax documentation excursion.

By the way, you know that this year we have until April 18 to get those tax forms in, right? Apparently tomorrow is the Washington, DC celebration of "Emancipation Day" and all the federal offices there are closed, pushing the deadline to Monday.

Every January my wife looks me in the eye and says, "We will file early this year." And every year I reply, "Yes, dear."

And here we are again, knee deep in the paper cave as the deadline crawls near. (sigh)

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TAX HUMOR

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "Second Notice" that his taxes were overdue. He hurried down to his local IRS office and paid, saying apologetically that he must have missed the first notice. "Oh," replied the agent, "we don't send out first notices. We have much better luck if we start with the second notice."

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two groups: men and women.

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta." (Dave Barry)

The wages of sin are death, but by the time you take taxes out, it's just sort of a tired, run down feeling.

How do you know you've hired a good tax advisor? There's a loophole named after him or her.

"Worried about a tax audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in the bank after paying your taxes. That's a red flag." (Jay Leno)

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract ... teach him to deduct." (Fran Lebowitz)

[selected from taxhelpattorney.com]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" (Matthew 5:46)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Tough Kids

2011-04-13T22:59:00.002-04:00

I live in jeans.

Well, okay, I live in a house, but I usually wear jeans. It takes a special church service or a wedding to get me in something that doesn't contain denim. If then.

If you wear blue jeans quite a bit, and you want to keep them looking fresh and new, try a few of these techniques.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Three kids were bragging about how tough they were.

The first kid says, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."

"I'm so tough," chimes in the second kid, "I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing," brags the third boy. "I'm so tough I can wear out *both* my Grandma and Grandpa in about an hour."

[Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Let's do a word for Spring: precipitation. It arrives via Middle French and before that, our buddy Latin, where it was originally "praecipitationem." That word was modeled after "praecipitare," which meant a hard fall, as from a height and *that* word was built on "praeceps," which meant steep (think "precipice"). Precipitation actually has about five meanings, but the one most commonly used refers to any type of water falling from the sky (which is the "as from a height" part).

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Random Quotations

2011-04-12T23:07:00.002-04:00

Gah! Where does the day go?

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RANDOM QUOTATIONS

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful." (Sophia Loren)

"If the world gets any smaller I'll end up living next door to myself." (Tom Robbins)

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

"When in doubt, do without." (Hofni Samuel)

"Disconnecting from change does not recapture the past. It loses the future." (Kathleen Norris)

"Life is too short for traffic." (Dan Bellack)

"For when the One Great Scorer comes
To write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost -
But how you played the game."
(Grantland Rice)

[with my thanks to The Quotations Page]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." (Hodding Carter Jr.)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Monday Groaners

2011-04-11T01:58:00.000-04:00

We saw Mom this weekend. She looks frail, spent, and ready for her promotion to the Afterlife. But she doesn't act like it, and the Hospice nurse says her vitals are strong, but she could have been putting up a brave front for family. So we will see what we will see, in the end.

Meanwhile, the weather here has been typically Michiganish. In the 40s on Friday, the 60s on Saturday, the 80s yesterday, back to the 60s today, and the forecast calls for dipping down into the 50s for the rest of the week.

No spotlight link for you today, sorry. (There are a few down below, though.) I did finish editing some of the marvelous photos my wife took of our trip to Chicago but ran out of time to upload them to my website and write captions. Look for them later this week.

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MORE MONDAY GROANERS

I knew of a baby born in France and raised only on goose liver spread. He was paté trained.

There was a real estate agent in our town who had trouble finding homes to sell. So he switched to selling undeveloped property. Now he has lots.

Some people are overweight in just their torso. Others carry extra pounds on their backside. Some bear fatty tissue on their arms and legs. It just goes to prove that the lard works in mysterious ways.

A pile of old bones was discovered in an abandoned lot. The police were called in and the coroner was tasked with figuring out who the bones belonged to and what had happened. Within a day the coroner reported that there was indeed *fowl* play. The bones all came from male turkeys - about six dozen of them - and they had perished from a deadly avian virus. Yes, they were 70 sick tom bones.

[selected from Jokemaster and retold by Mark Raymond]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: It's Irritable Bowel Syndrome Month. Really? It's National Poetry Month. It's National Inspirational News Week; try this. Check out National Library Week. Get it? Tomorrow is Be Kind to Lawyers Day. Tuesday is also Tax Freedom Day, the day when the average American has earned enough to pay annual tax obligations and the rest of what is made this year goes into his or her pocket.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Random Thoughts I, 2011

2011-04-08T22:16:00.002-04:00

Here's something you haven't seen from me in awhile.

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RANDOM ACTS of THINKING, 2011
Part the First

He who laughs last also laughs first, if no one laughs in the middle.

I am not stupid. Everyone else is just smarter than me.

I hear that in Florida they use alligators to make handbags and shoes. It's amazing what they can train animals to do these days.

My friend Adam had a terrible cough. Someone asked if it was a productive cough. He replied, "Yes, it's exceeded all my expectorations." (Yeah, I groaned, too.)

Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Burning calories is too much work. I prefer to simmer them.

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Are piñatas victims of child abuse?

Mom says I would have made a good electrician because I spent most of my childhood grounded.

My oven has a button that says "Stop Time." It probably means "Stop Timer" but I don't touch it. Just in case.

I couldn't afford an engagement ring, so I bought her an engagement ringtone.

Do you think folk singers on death row are executed in the Acoustic Chair?

[manhandled, massaged, mended, mustered, and marketed from Mikey's Funnies, Wise & Aldrich, Pieces of Flair, Status Kings, Shoe, Randy Glasbergen, A Prairie Home Companion, and the mind of Mark Raymond]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: No matter what e-Reader you use (if you're using one at all), you can find a format to fit it - and just about any book you can imagine - at http://www.fictionwise.com/. You'll probably have to find it from a different source, but you can even load a reader onto your Smartphone - and I know a bunch of you use those - and download a format that will work so the next time you find yourself unexpectedly stuck in a line or a lobby, whip out your phone and read.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

What Will Matter

2011-04-07T20:48:00.003-04:00

Well, so much for getting back to normal.

My mother has been suffering for nearly five years from the effects of a nasty vehicle collision the summer of 2006. Some of you may remember that I wrote about it here on the blog.

Now, as she approaches age 92, her heart has become so fragile and her health is failing so fast that this morning my father informed me he has signed her up for Hospice.

So if I wind up being absent from your Inbox again for a bit, I beg your understanding.

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Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no more minutes, hours, or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame, and temporary power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned, or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and the color of your skin will be irrelevant.

So. What will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built.
Not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your own memories, but the memories others have of you.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of your circumstances, but of your choices. Choose to live a life that matters.

[Michael Josephson in ThisNThatNoGraphics via Cup O'Cheer]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Late Night Facebook

2011-04-06T23:15:00.001-04:00

Well.

All the baseball drafts are done, the union pickets, photo ops and public meetings are done, and my end-of-quarter overtime at work is done. I hope. The money is nice, but so is having time to keep up with my personal hobbies - like this post.

At any rate, I'm back. I hope.

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What do you get when you merge one part household inventory software, one part possession lending tracker, one part eBay, and one part social network?

Why, Keepio, of course.

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WHAT THE LATE NIGHT FOLK SAY ABOUT FACEBOOK

"There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school." (Jimmy Fallon)

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. They say he has single-handedly change the way we waste time at work." (Jay Leno)

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." (Jimmy Kimmel)

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what Al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." (Conan O'Brien)

[selected from about.com]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: No word this week ... anything you'd like me to look up for you?

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Helicopter Wind

2011-03-30T21:06:00.004-04:00

So let's say you're flying over the Atlantic Ocean in your private jet, when suddenly you realize you're low on fuel and need to land quickly. What do you do?

Well, if you're rich enough, you make arrangements for your own personal aircraft carrier to meet you. The British Royal Navy just happens to have one for sale.

Too rich for your blood? Maybe you'd be interested in something from our Naval Destroyer Class vessels, also on sale.

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{Note from Mark - as a postal employee, today's "joke" hit home and emphasized, still, the importance of hard copy mail.}

As a Navy helicopter pilot, I often had to make at-sea transfers to ships steaming alongside our aircraft carrier, the USS Intrepid.

The wind's direction is very important to helicopters hovering above the receiving vessel, and since the ships normally steam in formation, it isn't easy to get the duty officers on board to alter their courses in order to create favorable wind conditions.

I learned that the secret to getting the ships to move was to announce, "We have mail aboard for you."

The *immediate* response would be, "Where would you like your wind?"

[Robert E. Allison, from "Humor in Uniform" via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: "The waves lapped the shore in a soft undulant motion." There's a deceptive word ... the "un" at the beginning makes you think the root word was "dulant," but this word actually comes from the Latin word "unda," which meant wave. It means anything that has a wave-like motion, a softly moving to and fro.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Bad Seats

2011-03-25T22:38:00.003-04:00

It's my annual fantasy baseball weekend, where two of my three teams will hold their all day drafts and auctions. This year I'm pretty much flying by the seat of my pants as I haven't had time to do my usual player research, so we'll see how much baseball lore and knowledge I've soaked up over the years. Should be fun!

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SIGNS YOU'VE GOT LOUSY SEATS AT THAT SPORTING EVENT

The guy selling concessions in your section is a Sherpa.

The Goodyear blimp keeps blocking your view.

You got there early, but by the time you reach your seat, the rest of the crowd is doing the seventh inning stretch.

You hear the crack of the bat just as you see the batter rounding second base.

You'd call your buddy behind home plate to see how he's doing but when you got to your section your phone went into Roaming.

Your view is so obstructed your tickets came with a pocket radio so you could listen to the game.

"Supplemental oxygen! Git yer ice cold, supplemental oxygen right here!"

[Chris White's Top Five on Sports with edits and additions by Mark Raymond]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: As the parent of a teenage driver whose cell phone is never far from her hand, I'm loving http://www.zapmytext.com/. The cost is $4.99 per month ($49.99 if you pay annually, saving ten bucks), but if that child's phone is moving faster than 10 miles per hour, the application will block all texts, e-mails, and Internet browsing. You can add "safe" phone numbers for them to contact, and they can still call 911, and there are plans to add up to three phones if you have more than one child.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Reunion

2011-03-24T15:00:00.002-04:00

Here's one of those sites you can file under "We Are All Together Smarter Than Just One Of Us Alone."

And here's the parent site, which ain't bad, neither.

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I swept my fellow classmates with a critical eye, taking note of all the men in their expensive suits tailored over bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact I now weighed just five more pounds than I did in high school - mostly the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm - I leaned over and whispered to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore at graduation."

My wife also gave the crowd a discerning look and then whispered back, "You're the only guy who has to."

[with thanks to Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: Wisdom preserves those who have it." (Ecclesiastes 7:12)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Gideon

2011-03-23T23:18:00.003-04:00

Just in time for those Easter baskets.

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One day in junior church, I taught about the Bible character Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked if anyone remembered last week's Bible hero. No hands went up.

"Okay," I said, "I'll give you a clue. He fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets."

Still no response.

"Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn of God's will," I said.

Ten little blank faces stared up at me.

"One final clue," I pleaded. "There are people today who call themselves by the same name of our hero, and they go around putting Bibles in hotel rooms."

The hand of one eight-year old eagerly shot up.

"Oh! Oh!" he cried out, "It was Hilton!"

[Davy Troxel, from "Kids of the Kingdom" in New Christian Reader via Your Weekly Church Laughs]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Gideon had an intrepid faith. "Intrepid" is one of those Latin words modified by adding the "in" to the front, which implies the opposite of the back half of the word. In this case, "trepidus" was Latin for worry, or alarm; adding "in" means you're not worried, and unalarmed. Over the years, context has added the meaning of "unshaken," or "undaunted." On a side note, when I was in college I wrote and produced a science fiction radio theater called "The Intrepid Adventures." Yeah, it was a blatant rip off of the Star Trek concept, but they had gone off the air and had not yet returned in movie form, so we were filling a cultural gap. At least that's the story we went with.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Welcome Back Groaners

2011-03-22T21:53:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness, what a week.

As soon as the deadlines were done last week, I whisked my bride away on a secret surprise five-day trip to Chicago to celebrate her milestone birthday. We attended a taping of NPR's "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me," went to the Art Institute, the Sky Deck at Willis Tower, the Field Museum of Natural History, Navy Pier, walked a good chunk of "The Magnificent Mile," dined 95 stories above the city at the Hancock Building, took in Shedd Aquarium, and spent a fun-filled day with some of our best friends. And I have a new appreciation for Amtrak.

But now it's back to post and back to work tomorrow. I haven't said anything about it yet, but Japan will need our help for quite some time. Yahoo! is providing some decent resource links for us.

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SOME WELCOME BACK GROANERS

When my son was small, his teacher told him the human body was made up of mostly water. He couldn't go to the bathroom for almost a week!

"Melanie says I take everything too literally."
"What makes her say that?"
"Her brain and her mouth."

Did you hear about the cat burglars who broke into the theater that was running a popular Broadway play? They stole the props, the costumes, the scripts, the curtains, the lighting, even the makeup! Other thiefs gave them a standing ovation, because they really stole the show.

A farmer's son married the neighboring farmer's daughter. At the ceremony, instead of lighting a unity candle, they each poured a little cream from their respective dairies into the same bowl. You could say they were cream-mated.

After months of digging in Norway, the archeological team finally uncovered an ancient statue of Thor, god of thunder in Norse mythology. It was a magnificent sight, and there where Thor's eyes would normally be, sat two giant rubies. Well, both archeologists involved in the dig, of international renown, vowed that each would have their name associated with the finding of such giant gems. The argument turned ugly, and soon the two men were at each other, tooth and nail. The fight lasted for hours. When the dust cleared, both archeologists were lying flat in the dirt, unconscious. One worker turned to the other and said, "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

[retold from the originals in JokeMaster]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Learn to say 'no.' It will be of more use to you than being able to read Latin." (Charles Spurgeon)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Post #1,000: The Drummer

2011-03-15T23:35:00.002-04:00

Gentlefolk, I find myself mired in deadline upon deadline so the post may be a bit spotty this week.

Yesterday was Pi Day. I put a video up on my blog about what Pi would sound like. (Down below.)

And that's pretty significant for my blog, because it's the *one thousandth* post I've written for this medium.

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As a nightclub owner, I had hired a drummer and a piano player to entertain my customers. After several evenings of performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was subsequently hauled off to jail.

Desperate for another drummer on short notice, I called a friend who knew some musicians.

"What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

There was a pause on the other end of the phone.

"How badly did he play?"

[Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest via ChapNotes]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Music is the literature of the heart; it commences where speech ends." (Alphonse de Lamartine)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Late Night Quips

2011-03-11T21:37:00.002-05:00

Hey, for those of you who live in states that observe Daylight Savings Time ... that starts this weekend. "Spring Ahead" one hour before you go to bed Saturday.

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MORE LATE NIGHT QUIPS

"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they previously thought was extinct. They say the dolphin is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce." (Conan O'Brien)

"A new study found that women's faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife." (Jimmy Fallon)

"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here are honor students. 'Yes, your honor; no, your honor; not guilty, your honor." (David Letterman)

"A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap water in the country. California officials insist that the dirty water is fine as long as you chew it thoroughly." (Conan O'Brien)

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in the overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." (Conan O'Brien)

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." (Jay Leno)

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top secret name 'Microsoft Windows'." (Conan O'Brien)

[selected from Joe's Clean Laffs and about.com]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Kellogg's Cereal wants to share breakfast with one million kids who aren't getting it right now and their goal is to do that by this fall, and we can help. How? Tell 'em what you had for breakfast at http://shareyourbreakfast.com/. Or better yet, show 'em by uploading a pic. For every one of us who participates, another breakfast is shared.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Lemon Signs

2011-03-10T17:08:00.002-05:00

For my job with the Postal Service, I drive a company car. A lot. Up to six hours on an occasional day.

Which means I put a lot of gas into the vehicle. Which means I am acutely aware of gas prices, and their extreme volatility. Consumer Reports wonders if the time is right to bring back the '70s and lower the national speed limit once again to 55 m.p.h. They say it would save about 100 *billion* barrels of oil each year.

What say you?

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MORE SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A LEMON

The "Check Engine" light now says, "Hi. Me Again."

The Auto Dealer sticker on the back has been removed.

You begin to get e-mails from eBay people asking when you'll be selling the parts.

You notice a tow truck parked on the street near your house. As you leave for work in the morning, you see that it silently falls in behind you.

[selected from Mikey's Funnies]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way." (Proverbs 4:14-16)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Words Behind You

2011-03-09T21:17:00.004-05:00

So what are you doing for Lent this year?

I'd really like to know. Are you giving something up? Doing something extra? Adding a little something? Investing in a new routine or spiritual focus? Hit the "Comment" link below.

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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR BEHIND YOU IN CHURCH

"The pastor looks really cute today."

"Dude, I'm gonna hafta call you back; we're about to pray or something."

"Booooooooooo!!!"

"Mommy, my tummy doesn't feel goo----urrgle." (Followed by splashing sound.)

"Hey, there, ladies -- nice Bibles. You come here often?"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz...."

"He's good, but he's no Rick Warren."

"You think they'll mind if I use the offering basket to break a five?"

"Dang it! I grabbed my Bhagavad-Gita by mistake. My Message Bible is still in the Prius next to my yoga mat."

"I can't see the pulpit. The guy in front of me has a melon that would show up on Google Earth."

[selected from "The Sacred Sandwich" blog]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: "Lent" is short for Lenten, which comes from the Old English word for Spring: lencten. The reference to that part of the calendar between Ash Wednesday and Easter is peculiar to English. (Lencten comes from a long line of other, odder words that have to do with days and daylight, and probably refer to the lengthening time of daylight during the Spring season.)

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Mark's Musings whispers to an RSS Feed, speaks assertively to a Facebook Note, is sold through the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢. A month.) and confidently arrives via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Fat Tuesday Names

2011-03-08T21:35:00.005-05:00

Did you get your paczki eaten today?

I hope you enjoyed Shrove Tuesday and are now prepared for Lent to begin.

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ALTERNATE NAMES FOR "FAT TUESDAY"

Big-Boned Tuesday

Low Carb Tuesday

People Want to See Way Too Much for Plastic Beads Day

The Day Before I Call In Sick

[selected - with family friendly edits - from myhyena.com]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Lent is a time for trimming the soul and scraping the sludge off a life turned slipshod." (Sister Joan Chittister)

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Mark's Musings is baked for an RSS Feed, tasted on a Facebook Note, sold through the Amazon Kindle (just 99¢) and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Unique Book Titles

2011-03-07T20:59:00.002-05:00

You've heard of the "Great American Novel," yes?

Here are fifty of them.

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MORE UNIQUE BOOK TITLES

"How to Make a Robot" by Anne Droyd

"Where Can I Find a Cure?" by Anita Remedy

"Cry Wolf!" by Al Armist

"Beekeeping" by A.P. Arry

"Parachuting" by Hugo First

"Armed Heists" by Robin Banks

"Off to Market" by Tobias A. Pigg

"Germ Warfare" by Mike Rohbes

"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Cloake

[selected from allowe.com]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Speaking of American, it's American Red Cross Month. It's National Color Therapy Month. It's National Frozen Food Month. It's Celebrate Your Name Week. Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, followed by Ash Wednesday, and then there's Parent-Teacher Conferences on Thursday, a band meeting, and -- oh, wait, that's *my* schedule, not yours.

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Mark's Musings is served on an RSS Feed, ladled into a Facebook Note, poured into the Amazon Kindle and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Sorry.

2011-03-04T21:42:00.004-05:00

Life (and the need for sleep) has been getting in the way of doing a post these past few days. I apologize for this momentary interruption in service and hope to return to my regular weekday schedule next week.

--Mark

Help for the Hurt

2011-03-01T01:20:00.000-05:00

ERRATA: D'oh! List member George J. correctly pointed out that *any* 31-day month in which Friday is the first will have five full weekends. 823 years, my eye! That'll learn me to take other bloggers at face value. My apologies for this fact-checking failure.

===

In my mind, Spring begins today. Spring Training games are in full swing down in Florida and Arizona, I resume my walking program today, and the temperatures here are slowly rising.

However, even though I'd like to believe it's Spring, the calendar says that season's beginning is still three weeks away. And in betwixt hither and yon are likely to be some pretty cold days and some pretty nasty weather.

So why not download some hearty soup, stew, and chowder recipes from The Old Farmer's Almanac?

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A small girl who had spent most of the day playing outside came up to her Mommy late one afternoon and said, "Mommy, my tummy hurts."

"That's because it's empty," Mom replied. "You have to put something in it." So she fixed up a nice warm bowl of soup with crackers for her daughter.

Later that week their pastor and his wife came over for dinner and during the after dinner conversation, the pastor winced, touched his hand to his head and explained that he'd had a terrible headache all day and his head was still hurting.

And right on cue, the little girl piped up and said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something in it."

[with thanks again to Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." (Neil Postman)

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Mark's Musings is served on an RSS Feed, ladled into a Facebook Note, poured into the Amazon Kindle and enjoyed via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

More Signs You're Getting Old

2011-02-28T01:39:00.000-05:00

Next year February will have a tomorrow.

Which reminds me of a couple goofy calendar quirks. Apparently, coming up this July, there will be five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays. If the world survives and the Lord hasn't returned by then, you'll see that again in 823 years. So yeah, kind of rare.

And Veteran's Day this year may be kind of special. The date will be 11-11-11. Be sure you commemorate it at 11:11 a.m.

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MORE SIGNS YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD

You've stopped giving money to your children and now give money to your parents.

You've found yourself comparing today's weather against weather in previous years.

You have no trouble remembering your children's names, just which ones are which.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You start to make fun of the geeky people who wear Bermuda shorts and sandals with socks, until you realize that's what you put on this morning.

If you hear "Stairway to Heaven" on Muzak one more time, you think your head will explode.

You lift weights, but the only things getting more defined are the veins on the back of your hands and your neck.

[as seen in Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: March is right up my alley, celebrating International Mirth Month, and so much more. It's Music In Our Schools Month, and it's National Craft Month. Get lots of ideas here. March is also National Nutrition Month, and it's Women's History Month. And tomorrow, in 1961, the Peace Corps were born. If you boss somebody around, you should know that Friday is Employee Appreciation Day, and on Saturday, the 1,150-mile dog sled race known as the Iditarod begins.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Common Hollywood Cliches

2011-02-25T20:31:00.003-05:00

Whether we indulge in the viewing of them or not, Hollywood - and its products - have a huge impact on our society. Today's joke and website recognize that.

Of course, one of the benefits of periodically enjoying the output of Hollywood is the feeling of superiority it gives to us.

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COMMON HOLLYWOOD CLICHÉS

Aliens - No matter where they came from, their entire planet has learned how to live in peace and they have but one culture, one language, one style of clothing, etc.

Baths - Bubbles hide everything and never dissipate.

Bars - Troubled men gulp their drinks in one shot and immediately ask for another.

Bombs - Every single bomb has a digital display showing exactly when it will go off.

Cars - No one ever locks their car upon exiting it.

Car Chases - No matter where you are, there will be a Korean grocer with his vegetables out on the sidewalk for display in easily smashable wooden crates.

Dinner - Just met? Chinese takeout. Romantic dinner by candlelight? The other person never shows up. Family meal? Someone will get upset after a few bites and storm away from the table.

Fights - If you're supposed to win in the end, you will lose the first round. Every time.

Health - Have a cough? You'll be dead or declared terminal by the end of the reel.

Locks - All doors can be opened or lock-picked with a credit card or hairpin.

Radio/TV - Everything you need to know is heard or seen within moments of turning the set on. You then immediately turn it back off.

Schools - The bell always ring in the middle of the teacher's sentence.

Soldiers - If a soldier shows a buddy a picture of his small-town sweetheart, he will die soon. If a soldier talks about his dream vacation, he will die soon. If a soldier talks about what he wants to do when he gets out of the service, he will---well, you get the idea.

Technology - From any computer or smartphone, you can access the files of the villain's corporation. All video screens, no matter the size or model, will show a crystal clear 3-D reproduction of the image. Every single person knows how to type very quickly.

Weather - The weather serves only to emphasize the plot. Things going badly? Rain. Things going well? Sunny and warm. Occasionally the weather *is* the plot.

[selected from caryn.com, with my thanks and respect]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Sunday is the 83rd anniversary of the Oscars, Hollywood's highest award for excellence in cinema. This year it promises to be more "interactive" than ever, and there's a play-along game at http://oscar.go.com/. So which movie do you pick for the Oscar? I've only seen four of the ten nominated.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Children's Talk

2011-02-24T12:52:00.002-05:00

Busy, busy, busy, my friends. Just the joke today.

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Coffee was always served at a our church after the service. One day, during children's time, our pastor asked a young one if he knew why we had Coffee Hour.

Without hesitating, the young man replied, "Oh, yes. To wake people up after the sermon!"

[Richard Blake, in Christian Reader, via Your Weekly Church Laughs]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping." (Mark 13:36)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Tired Soap

2011-02-23T22:42:00.002-05:00

Just finished an episode of "NCIS" we had recorded on the DVR. Ah, that Jethro.

Here's a handy little site from TV Guide: a list of just the *new* episodes that are being aired each night.

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SIGNS YOUR SOAP OPERA IS WORN OUT

The evil twin was fine. You were okay with the evil triplet. But when the evil quadruplet came to town, the well felt pretty dry.

After the adulterous marriage, the stalker, a false pregnancy, kidnapping, pet-napping, blackmail, and the cancer scare, the best the writers can come up with now is a nasty cavity and bad hair.

How many times can a villain have his head sewn back on and come back to life?

You can hear the cameraman mutter, on air, "Seriously?"

Number of sands in the hourglass down to single digits.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on TV]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: If you're "cautiously optimistic," that means you are looking forward to good results, but yet you have doubts about it. The good people at Word Spy say that means you are being "skeptimistic." (A combination of skeptical and optimistic.)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Embarrassing Story

2011-02-22T15:51:00.002-05:00

Being a diabetic, I normally have iced tea or water with my meals, occasionally a diet soda or a diet fruit juice. Now, however, new studies brought to light by Reader's Digest say that even that diet soda may be bad for you.

And, what's worse, now they are even saying that the caramel coloring used in cola causes cancer.

Water. Still God's Best Invention.

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Tired of waiting for their overdue baby to arrive, my very pregnant daughter and her husband decided to take in a movie one night.

My daughter went inside to find seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks at the concession stand.

While paying for his tall glass of soda, my son-in-law accidentally knocked it over, spilling it everywhere. A couple of clerks hurried to mop it up and wipe down the counter, while another refilled the cup and my son-in-law headed off to his theater, thoroughly rattled.

Once inside, he was dramatically describing his embarrassing episode to my daughter, when one of his expressive hand gestures knocked the bucket of popcorn out of her hand, spilling it all over the floor. He hung his head, picked up the bucket, and sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was gone, the woman sitting behind my daughter leaned forward and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

[The Good Clean Funnies List via Randy Walker's Humor]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Children of a culture born in a water-rich environment, we have never really learned how important water is to us. We understand it, but we do not respect it." (William Ashworth)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Brief President

2011-02-21T11:54:00.002-05:00

President's Day, 2011; the day we celebrate and remember the births of George Washington, our country's first president, and Abraham Lincoln, perhaps our country's greatest president.

You can see all the presidents and take your time to learn more about them at the White House.

My thanks to Kim Komando for the link.

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The story is told by the wife of President Calvin Coolidge - and it is, apparently, a true story - of a dinner party attended by the Coolidges.

A young woman sat next to the President, who had become quite well known for his "frugality with words," and said to him, "I have a bet with a friend that I can get at least three words of conversation from you."

Coolidge turned to the young woman and said, "You lose."

[Good Clean Funnies List (and several other humor resources), verified on website referenced in red there in body of joke]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Perhaps in recognition of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation, February is From Africa to Virginia Month. In recognition of February, it is also National Care About Your Indoor Air Month. And, lest we forget, it's National Pet Dental Care Month (remember, only floss the ones you want to keep!). It's National Engineers Week, and it's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Tomorrow is World Thinking Day, sponsored by the Girl Scouts, Wednesday is the anniversary of raising the flag on Iwo Jima, Thursday - as part of a week listed above - is Introduce A Girl to Engineering Day, and on Saturday we have International Sword Swallowers Day.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Name Quiz

2011-02-18T20:39:00.002-05:00

Well, yesterday was my first official "Skip Day." The extra sleep was wonderful!

But now onto our challenging quiz of the day, thanks to Mental Floss. I'll start with an easy one.

No peeking!

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CAN YOU COME UP WITH THE *REAL* NAMES GIVEN TO THESE CHARACTERS?

1. Barbie
2. Captain Crunch
3. Sesame Street's Snuffleupagus
4. Peppermint Patty
5. Mr. Clean
6. Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly
7. The Michelin Man
8. The Skipper on Gilligan's Island
9. Shaggy from Scooby Doo
10. The Pillsbury Dough Boy (bonus points for naming his wife)
11. Mr. T
12. B.A. Baracus (played by Mr. T)
13. MacGyver
14. ALF
15. The Professor on Gilligan's Island
16. Bull on Night Court
17. Granny Clampett of The Beverly Hillbillies
18. Columbo
19. (non-fiction category) Bono
20. (ditto) The Edge

I was tempted to provide the answers on Monday, but here you go:

1. Barbara Millicent Roberts (Ken's last name is Carson)
2. Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch
3. Aloysius Snuffleupagus
4. Patricia Reichardt
5. Veritably Clean
6. Milburn Pennybags
7. Bibendum
8. Jonas Grumby
9. Norville Rogers
10. Poppin' Fresh (his wife is Poppie Fresh; his children are Popper and Bun Bun)
11. Laurence Tureaud
12. In the show, it was said to stand for "Bad Attitude," but it was really Bosco Albert Baracus
13. Angus MacGyver
14. Gordon Shumway
15. Roy Hinkley
16. Aristotle Nostradamus Shannon
17. Daisy Moses
18. Frank Columbo
19. Paul David Hewson
20. David Howell Evans

[selected from the Mental Floss blog and comments here; please let me know if that link gives you any trouble]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: As much as I don't like to admit it, I'm starting to get a little long in the tusk, though I'll always try to never act like it. If you find yourself paddling beside me in the same metaphorical boat, have a look at http://www.giftcardgranny.com/blog/senior-discounts/, where "Granny" lists over 130 restaurants, hotels, airlines, and other establishments. And hey, if you're too young to take advantage, forward the link (and a suggestion they subscribe to the Musings) to someone who is.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Potato Recipe

2011-02-16T18:34:00.004-05:00

The history of Mr. Potato Head.

'Nuff said.

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Every morning during our coffee break, we listened to the culinary challenges (and disasters) from one of our newlywed colleagues. We usually tried to share helpful hints and tips from our own recipes.

One day she actually broke down crying, explaining that sweet potatoes were her husband's favorite dish and she just couldn't get them right. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she sobbed, "but how do you make them orange?"

[Joe's Clean Laffs via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: Ahhh, potatoes. Originally grown in South America (mostly Peru), where they were called batatas, they came to Europe when the invading Spaniards brought them back to their mother country. There are over 150 different varieties of potato, and the tuber - which is the edible part of the plant - has become a worldwide staple. The first potato to come to Europe - in the mid-1500s - was the sweet potato, now often called a yam, which is a derivation of a Western African word - nyami - which means "to eat."

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Food Fiction

2011-02-15T14:32:00.002-05:00

You guys (and gals) are awesome. Your words of support and encouragement have been well received ... "a thing of beauty; a joy to behold." As list member Pierre L. put it - "one live comic is worth a thousand dead ones." Thanks again, folks.

Meanwhile, it seems that WiFi may be coming to the cereal boxes on your grocery store shelves. (Warning: a mild word of adult language on page.)

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IF SCIENCE FICTION CLASSICS WERE REALLY ABOUT FOOD

Jurassic Pork

Planet of the Crepes

Fahrenheit 451 (for 14-18 minutes)

The Marzipan Chronicles

2001: A Spice Oddysey

Dr. Rangelove - or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Lard

20,000 Legumes Under the Sea

The Thyme Machine

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Food]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "A bagel is a doughnut with the sin removed." (George Rosenbaum)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

Valentine Groaners

2011-02-14T03:29:00.002-05:00

Valentine's Day, 2011.

Today, on this "day of love" here in America, I'm announcing that I intend to show myself some love.

You see, for almost the past two years, I've held a position with the Postal Service that requires me to rise by 3:00 in the morning, and be on the clock - and usually on the road - by 4:30 a.m. I enjoy the work, but the difficulty I've encountered is that I can seldom seem to put myself to bed much before 10:30, 11:00 or even midnight. This has resulted, finally, in my diabetes slipping out of control, and a couple of other minor health issues related to this long term sleep deprivation.

Why do I stay up so late? Well, sometimes there are simply obligations, projects, or deadlines that must be met and accomplished. But frankly, most of the time it's because I made myself - and you - a promise to have something in your Inbox or posted on my blog every weekday. And that's a commitment I took (and take) very seriously. But now I find I must back off on that, at least a little bit.

Please hear me clearly: a daily "Musing" is still my goal, but it can no longer be my mandate.

So, going forward, if you find a day goes by without me, let's both be okay with that, knowing that your Inbox and the Internet is a little less cluttered, and I'm getting more sleep.

Happy Valentine's Day to every one of you. And even to me.

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What do squirrels give their loved ones on Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

Who sends hundreds of Valentine cards signed, "Guess Who"?
A divorce attorney.

What did one snake say to his sweetie on Valentine's Day?
"Gimme a hug and a hiss, baby."

You should always fall in love with a French pastry chef.
You'll get buttered up.

My mother's sister snuck off in the dead of night to marry her boyfriend. Which was rare. You don't see many antelopes in these parts.

[selected from guysports.com]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: It's Love A Mensch Week ("mensch" is Yiddish for a decent, honorable, honest man). And besides Valentine's Day, it's Ferris Wheel Day, Library Lovers Day, League of Women Voters Day, and World Marriage Day. Tomorrow is National Gum Drop Day, Saturday is Chocolate Mint Day, and Sunday is Clam Chowder Day.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761

No Hitters

2011-02-11T22:36:00.001-05:00

As we head into the weekend, I have my eyes set on Monday.

Not only is it Valentine's Day - readers of this post should be well aware of that by now - but it's the first day pitchers and catchers can voluntarily report for Spring Training.

Hooo-ahhh!

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WAYS TO MAKE YOUR NO-HITTER STAND OUT

End each inning by cartwheeling to the dugout.

Throw nothing but change-ups and slow curves. Oh, wait. That's a "no-heater."

Throw actual goose eggs.

Give your fielders the ninth inning off.

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Sports]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Tomorrow - Saturday - my parents will celebrate 40 years of marriage. If you've got a milestone anniversary coming up, check out http://www.familyplanit.com/FP_Anniversary.htm. It's a website that lets you create your own website to celebrate that important date in your life.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Formal Attire

2011-02-10T22:19:00.002-05:00

As I was looking for the "Word for Your Week" in yesterday's kicker, I stumbled across the "Top Ten Valentine's Day Words" over at Merriam-Webster. They even throw in a bit about where the word originated.

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I'm a medical technologist, which requires frequent handwashing. When you combine that with the dry weather conditions in winter, my skin becomes very dry.

To counteract this condition, one night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with a thick layer of hand lotion, then covered them with an old pair of white dress gloves.

As I sat reading a book in bed with those gloves on, my husband finished his shower and came into the room wearing only a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a dapper silk tie, and put it on.

"Whatever are you doing?" I asked.

"Well," he replied, "if you're going to bed so formal, so am I."

[Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

A Kind Word

2011-02-09T15:31:00.003-05:00

Let me introduce today's link with a personal story. Last August, we had our daughter's gall bladder removed, and it turned out to be the end of two years of stomach misery, illness, and her emotional depression (well, mostly; she is sixteen, after all).

As we spoke with the surgeon in his post-op consultation, he told us that if he'd performed this operation ten years ago, the AMA would have had him up on charges for conducting unnecessary surgery. But in the past decade, the gall bladders of America's youth have gone to h-e-double-hockey-sticks in a handbasket, due to our fast food use and diets of convenience. He said that now, removing the gall bladders of teenagers is fairly commonplace.

And that's just sad. Which is why the White House has gotten involved.

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One evening while I was complaining about my bad exercise habits and tight clothes, my four-year old daughter decided to pick up my spirits, as she often does.

This time she coined a new word for me. She said, "Oh no, Mommy, you look flabulous!"

[selected, with thanks, from Da Mousetracks]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: What the four-year old in the above story was trying to do was placate Mommy. Placate means to make someone less angry, less upset, less hostile, by doing something to make them feel happier. It comes from the same word - in a purer form, even - that gave us the word "please." It's from Latin and was originally "placere," which meant to please.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Interested Scientist

2011-02-08T22:35:00.003-05:00

This winter it's been either freezing or snowing. Seems like the days warm up just enough to bring in another front.

Meanwhile, on the commercial front ... it's too late to get them for this Valentine's Day ... but not too late for next year.

That is, if you're a science buff and have a streak of whimsy in ya.

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HOW YOU KNOW A SCIENTIST IS INTERESTED IN YOU

Carries a photocopy of your genome, with many bits covered by a highlighting marker.

She names a star after you.

The acronym for his new grant proposal is your middle name.

"Yes, it was a very good date. And best of all, it can be repeated."

[selected from Chris White's Top Five on Science]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Science does not know its debt to imagination." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Your Monday Groaners

2011-02-07T21:50:00.001-05:00

Valentine's Day is one week away, gentlemen and ladies. You have been warned.

I'm in the mood for a set of Monday groaners.

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YOUR MONDAY GROANERS

"I'm sorry, but I can't be your Valentine."
"Really? Why not?"
"Medical reasons. You make me sick."

Eskimos are God's frozen people.

Do-It-Yourselfers follow the path of least assistance.

"You're taking your girlfriend to an aviary for Valentine's Day?"
"Yeah, she's a cheep date."

I bought a scale custom built for dogs but when I got it home, it wouldn't work. Apparently it only weighs in dog pounds.

What did one earthquake say to the other?
"Hey, it's not my fault."

Love triangles are never recommended. They almost always turn into wreck-tangles.

"Doctor, I think I must have swallowed a pillow. I feel a little down in the mouth."

[JokeMaster]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: It's Beans Month (Dried or Fresh), but I notice they say nothing about ground. It's also Grapefruit Month. And African-American History Month; probably should have mentioned that last week. Tuesday is the anniversary of the Boy Scouts, Wednesday is National Stop Bullying Day (which has become a hot topic in high schools all over America), and Friday is White Shirt Day.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

MLIA

2011-02-04T21:48:00.002-05:00

I like today. Noon today, to be exact. Well, to be *really* exact, noon plus one second.

Why? Because at that moment, there is officially less winter ahead of us than there is behind us. At least according to the calendar. February 4 is the midpoint between December 21 and March 21.

Bring on Spring!

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MY LIFE IS (ABOVE) AVERAGE

Today I realize I have more in common with the little boy I baby sit than any of my friends. We both love Star Wars Lego sets, eat dinosaur nuggets religiously, wear a Snuggie on a regular basis, use the same plaque-fighting children's mouthwash, and enjoy periodic light saber battles. I am completely okay with this.

Today, my mom and I were in Target and while we were shopping, we got stuck behind an old lady who was walking really slowly in front of us. We ended up having to go around her, and as we did, my mom said, under her breath, "LOL." I asked her, and apparently she thinks LOL stands for "little old lady." That's a new one.

Today I noticed a small bug on my computer screen. Being too lazy to wave it away, I chased it with my cursor. To my surprise, it actually ran away from the little arrow. Can you guess what I did for the next ten minutes?

Today my English teacher was asking everyone what we were bringing to the party we're having next week. One cocky kid said, "I'll be bringing good looks." The teacher responded with, "Oh, you're bringing a friend?"

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text during chemistry. I put my phone back in my pocket after I sent the text. A few minutes later, a cell phone vibrated on my teacher's desk. He read it then looked at me and said, "Mike says that he'll see you at lunch." Confused, I shoved my hands in my pockets, but my phone wasn't there. Ninja teacher? I think so.

Today I found out that my parents taught me how to swim by dropping coins on the bottom of the pool and telling me it was treasure. Way to go, Mom and Dad.

[selected from mylifeisaverage.com]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: We are well past the end of last year, but Christianity Today has just come out with their Top Ten Redeeming Films of 2010 at http://bit.ly/hali0n. None of them are, in fact, what you would call typically "Christian" films, but all carry a positive message or storyline of redemption, and my guess is you've not seen them all, so add these to your Netflix queue.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Good Art, Bad News

2011-02-03T23:02:00.003-05:00

Using the same technology as their Street View, Google has now done Fine Art. Featuring world famous art from museums all over the world.

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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

An artist who had an exhibition on display at a local art museum asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings.

"Well," the owner began, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I did receive one inquiry about your work. The gentleman asked if the value of your paintings would go up once you had passed away."

"What did you tell him?" asked the artist.

"Well, I told him that the value of most every artist's work appreciates in value upon their passing."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything. He just took out his wallet and purchased 15 of your works on the spot. That's the good news."

"My, that's wonderful!" exclaims the artist. "What could the bad news be?"

"The gentleman said he was your doctor."

[with thanks to Mikey's Funnies]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "The fear of the Lord adds length to life, but the years of the wicked are cut short." (Proverbs 10:27)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Groundhog Day

2011-02-02T22:41:00.002-05:00

Hey, it's Groundhog Day. Word is Ol' Punxsutawney is calling for an early Spring. The rodent cannot, of course, predict the weather at all, but it's become an annual tradition and kind of a break from all this winter bleariness.

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REASONS TO CELEBRATE GROUNDHOG DAY

It's on almost every calendar.

Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

As they used to say on the radio, "The Shadow Knows."

It's just fun to say, "Punxsutawney"!

In Michigan, Minnesota, and points north, either way we come out ahead!

[selected from Mikey's Funnies]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: From whence did the word blizzard come? It's actual origin is lost or never known by scholars ... but they have found that the earliest form of the word is from the 1700s, when a "blizz" meant a violent rainstorm. Davey Crockett used the word "blizzard" in the 1830s to describe the blast from a shotgun or an angry, violent verbal outburst. And many in Iowa claimed to have invented the word as the description for a snowstorm with high winds and low visibility, but that didn't happen until the 1870s.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Guard Patrol

2011-02-01T21:23:00.003-05:00

The people who get paid to tell us what the weather will do next say we are due to receive between a foot to fifteen inches of snow over the next twenty-four hours. This, on top of the two inches that fell last night, should make my commute to work in the wee hours of Wednesday morning just terribly interesting.

But enough about me.

If you'll be snowed in Wednesday - or if you just like to play with the kids and grandkids - Reader's Digest has some indoor snow fun for you.

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Gale force winds, a snowstorm, and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electrical wires were sparking and snapping on the snowdrifts all over town.

As a local policeman, I was assigned to the area around another downed wire to provide security for the site and keep the public safe.

It was just after midnight and about 20 degrees below zero when I arrived to relieve the patrolman who was currently on duty. He pointed out the thin line swinging furiously from the main junction box and then hastily beat it to the relative warmth of his patrol car. Pulling up my collar and reaffixing my earmuffs, I took up my position for the next few hours.

Finally, just after 5:30 in the morning, a utility truck arrived and a lineman hopped out. He climbed the utility pole and then descended a few minutes later, laughing.

"Well, officer," he explained, "I'm afraid you have successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night long!"

[Wit and Wisdom]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Weather is a great metaphor for life - sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and there's nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella." (Terri Guillemets)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Fruit Groaners

2011-01-31T21:36:00.004-05:00

So we're at the grocery store yesterday - yes, I do occasionally help with the shopping - and we hit the Produce section, and suddenly we start wondering which fruits and vegetables are truly fresh? Which ones are "in season" right now.

Pull out the Smartphone, and bam! We have our answer. And you have a new resource.

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FRUIT and VEGETABLE GROANERS

Which vegetable did Noah leave off the Ark?
Leeks.

What was Noah's favorite fruit?
Pears.

What is small, red, and whispers?
A hoarse radish.

How do you fix a cracked jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.

What vegetable might you find in your basement?
Cellar-y.

[selected from the Internet]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: As I finish writing this, January has less than five hours to go, so let's look at February. It's International Hoof Care Month; gosh, what more do you need to know? It's Relationship Wellness Month (something to do with Valentine's Day, I wager). Speaking of Valentine's Day, it's Women's Heart Week. Wednesday is Groundhog Day, Thursday is Chinese New Year, Friday is World Cancer Day, and this Sunday is not only Super Bowl Sunday, but my band is playing a fundraising praise and worship concert at our church for Sunday morning service.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Bad Blind Date Lines

2011-01-28T22:42:00.003-05:00

Good heavens. I just realized I hadn't changed the year on my post dates. Nearly a month in. Well, that's been fixed.

Speaking of dates (in two of the word's three meanings), Valentine's Day is just a trio of Mondays away. Which means it's time, gentlemen, for your refresher primer on what you're saying by the color of roses you give her.

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THINGS YOU DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO HEAR ON A BLIND DATE

"That's odd. You sounded handsome on the phone."

"I'd love to go there for dessert, but it's outside the 2-mile radius of my ankle bracelet."

"Please stop talking to the waiter in Klingon."

"I didn't realize sweater vests were still in fashion...."

"Huh. I thought Kim was a woman's name."

"I just love gravy on my pancakes."

"You used to model before? Do you have the number of the person who modeled 'after'?"

"So do you shine that bald spot or is the glare natural?"

"So when you have a downline, you make more money because you're the upline, see?"

"Nah. It's still bad. Have another mint."

[selected from around the web with several from Chris White's Top Five on relationships]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Give yourself a 120-second break at http://www.donothingfor2minutes.com/. It's quite relaxing. Thanks to my son and list member Matthew R.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Facts

2011-01-27T22:35:00.000-05:00

In my web browser, I have several folders of bookmarks - or favorites (if you use Internet Explorer) - that have web pages I've saved for use in finding something interesting for you every day.

The latest is a site that calls itself Factoidz. It's one of those "together we are smarter than we are by ourselves" sites.

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MORE TRIVIA YOU MAY NEVER NEED TO KNOW [with useless commentary]

Switzerland has the highest per capita consumption of soft drinks. [Though, for a time, my daughter was trying hard to bring America up higher on the list.]

Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn. [In fact, yawning while jogging can nearly be fatal.]

Bluebirds cannot see the color blue. [Blackbirds have been known to have trouble with plaid.]

When picking out a pumpkin for Halloween, look for the darker skins. The darker the skin, the longer the pumpkin will last. [Ours normally last until Easter. Of course, they're plastic....]

Need to call Antarctica? The area code is 672. [You can, however, count on one hand the number of people who might answer.]

The venom of a king cobra is so deadly that one gram can kill 150 people. [Much the same can be said about the music of Justin Bieber.]

X-rays of the Mona Lisa show that there are three completely different versions of the same subject, all painted by DaVinci, underneath the final portrait. ["Smile. No, don't smile. Look sad. Can you smile mysteriously? *That's* it!"]

A sneeze can travel up to 100 miles per hour. [Which explains what passed me on the expressway yesterday.]

[selected from nicefacts.com; I have not verified any of these]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:12-13)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

A Compliment?

2011-01-26T22:50:00.003-05:00

This past Monday was Compliment Day.

There are several tools at that site I found to be encouraging. In fact, I felt a little better about myself just reading them!

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A guest preacher was called upon to fill in for the regular minister, who had gone away on vacation.

The substitute preacher began his message by explaining a little more about what "substitute" meant.

"If you break a window," he explained, "and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute. Not as good as a real replacement, but one that'll do in a pinch." He then went on to give a rousing good sermon.

After the service, one woman shook hands with him vigorously and exclaimed, "Wonderful! Let me give you a compliment, young man ... you were no substitute, you were a real pane!"

[Net 153s Smile A Day; retold by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: In the realm of polite Christianity, when something isn't very good yet the occasion calls for us to pay a compliment to the thing's creator or performer, we tend to fall back on saying something like, "Well, that was certainly unique." The word, as so many do, has its basis in Latin - it originates in the word "unus," which means "one." (Think union, unite, unanimous, even "E Pluribus Unum," which is on American currency. It means "Out of Many, One.") When you use the word unique, you are saying something is one of a kind.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Flight Software

2011-01-25T20:20:00.002-05:00

Grabbed a cell phone snapshot of myself in my "deep winter" hat for today's corner pic. And just a reminder - if you want to see the picture in more detail, just click on that photo.

As I mentioned yesterday, this is "Clean Out Your Inbox Week" and as I write this, there are just under 8,300 messages in my Inbox. As part of my ongoing interests and as ammunition for this post, I receive approximately 75-90 e-mails each day, of which perhaps a dozen are from friends, bandmates, baseball buddies, and family. Many people receive more messages than that, even.

My personality is such that I have difficulty simply deleting unread e-mails without any idea of their intrinsic value. Oh, there are the obvious spam and advertising messages, and those I can kick to the e-curb without hesitation. But I always think there just *might* be something useful in the others I can turn into a "Musing."

Marsha Egan has created a program she calls Inbox Detox^tm, and the link goes to her blog, with helpful tips. I signed up for her biweekly newsletter, which means even more e-mail, I guess.

Hmmmm. Receiving an e-mail to help me *reduce* the amount of e-mail. What's wrong with this picture?

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At a recent company-mandated refresher course for my engineering team, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airline and then discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would want to get off the plane immediately?"

Amid the forest of hands that shot up, one man sat quietly, serenely, with a look of confidence on his face.

When asked what he would do upon this discovery, the man replied that he would be quite content to stay on board the aircraft.

"You see," he explained, "using the software written by my team, the plane would be lucky to be able to taxi anywhere, let alone take off!"

[Doc's Daily Chuckle]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Diamonds are forever. E-mail comes close." (June Kronholz)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Snow Wife

2011-01-24T01:24:00.000-05:00

It has been *cold* this weekend. Teeth-chattering, body-shivering, booger-freezing cold. As I write this, it's 4 degrees below zero (that's 20 below on the Celsius chart, to put things in context for my global friends), with a wind chill warning of -25 up until noon Monday.

The weather seers at Farmer's Almanac say it's because of La Niña. Which, from what I understand, is the opposite of El Niño. Find out more here.

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I just got off the phone with a friend living in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning, the snow had reached nearly waist high and was still coming down.

He told me that the temperature was dropping well below zero and a frigid north wind was increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.

He said if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[with thanks to Monday Fodder]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: With still a little bit of January left to us, you can get your eyes checked; it's National Glaucoma Awareness Month. It's also National Polka Music Month (I did not know there was a Polka Hall of Fame). It's National Handwriting Analysis Week, and it's National Clean Out Your Inbox Week. More on that tomorrow. Finally, today is National Compliment Day (I'll talk more about that on Wednesday), Thursday is Holocaust Memorial Day, and Saturday is Curmudgeon's Day. Kind of a strange week; it begins in compliments and ends with curmudgeons.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

How I Met My Wife

2011-01-21T21:01:00.001-05:00

I realized today that yesterday was my 31^st anniversary of living in this part of Michigan. Wow. Over half my life. Can't complain, though; found my wife here, raised (and am raising) my children here, and came into my career here.

So despite the fact that Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the country, is the only one of fifty states to *lose* population over the last decade, and is currently putting a sub-zero wind chill through my bones, I declare it a great place to be.

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HOW I MET MY WIFE

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing sheveled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors-d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was commital. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

[reputedly written by Jack Winter in 1994 for the New Yorker Magazine, via Jumbo Joke]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Hey, what's for breakfast? Thanks to list member Dianne F., eggs!

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Honest Photo

2011-01-20T22:40:00.003-05:00

How Stuff Works is at it again.

Here are five things you should never do to old family photos.

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A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor violation. Upon approaching the car, he asked for the usual driver's license and proof of insurance.

He stared, however, for an unusually long time at the woman's driver's license. Finally he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see that you're not one of these vain women who have things 'lifted' or all their photos retouched to remove all the lines and wrinkles in their face." Then he handed her back her license.

The woman looked at, then looked at the officer and said, icily, "Sir, you are looking at my thumb print."

[The Good, Clean Funnies List]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." (James 1:23-24)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Pilot Compliment

2011-01-19T23:04:00.001-05:00

So I went to the dentist today. After all of these years, I finally have to admit ...

...it's still no fun.

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As one of the few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent, and even a snack bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. A few recognize how rare it is for me to pilot a commercial plane and congratulate me for making it successfully in a male-dominated field.

One day I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. After a moment, she remarked, "My sister would be so proud of you!"

Hoping this was going to be one of those rare compliments where someone understood how hard I'd worked to become a pilot, I asked, "And why is that?"

"She's a dentist!"

[Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: "Beneath the cross of Jesus, I fain would take my stand." Many of us have sung that song in church at one time or another. For some of you, it may be your favorite hymn. But what about that word "fain"? At one time I assumed it was built on an old French word "fait," which is about doing something, getting something done. But now I know the word "fain" originated from an Old English word: fagen, which means "glad, cheerful, happy, or rejoicing." So when you sing that hymn, you are saying you would *gladly* make your stand beneath that old rugged cross.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Peppermint

2011-01-18T23:08:00.005-05:00

Hey, ho, another late night. Good thing I had a four-hour nap today!

Reader's Digest Online says that peppermint can do you a lot of good.

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So a small town rancher goes to his bank and applies for a loan. When asked why he needs the money, the rancher explains he would like to purchase a bull so that he can increase his stock of cows, which will increase his dairy output.

The banker agrees to lend the money, and in the true spirit of small town America, heads out to the ranch a week or two later, to look in on the bank's investment.

The rancher is despondent. "Dang bull is worthless. Just eats grass. Won't even *look* at the cows."

The banker suggests that perhaps a visit from the town's veterinarian might be in order, knowing that if the rancher does not increase his herd and dairy output, he may well end up defaulting on the loan.

Another week or two goes by, and again the banker stops at the ranch. This time the farmer is beaming from one ear to the other.

"That ol' bull has not only taken care of all my cows, a few days ago he jumped the fence and, umm, 'serviced' all of my neighbors cows, too!"

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the veterinarian do?"

"Just gave him a couple of pills," replied the rancher.

"Huh. Interesting. What kind of pills were they?" asked the banker.

"Dunno," the rancher retorts, "but they taste like peppermint."

[Joe's Clean Laffs]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "You look at a herd of cattle and well, they all look the same. But they know. They all have an individual personality, and those personalities change from day to day. They can have their grumpy days and their happy days and their serene days. But it's unpredictable. You can't be off in outer space when you're dealing with animals." (Chris Cooper)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Dr. King's Day

2011-01-17T21:51:00.002-05:00

It's the day we celebrate the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. If you are one of the lucky few who got to stay home for that celebration, I salute you. And your employer. And, perhaps, your union.

If you're into staying up on television and film news, here are the results from last night's Golden Globe awards, which are given by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for excellence in TV and cinema, both domestic and international. Think of them as a sneak preview for the Oscars and Emmys.

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WORDS FROM DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

A lie cannot live.

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.

A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.

A riot is, at bottom, the language of the unheard.

All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.

Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

[selected from BrainyQuotes]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: We are in the midst of Bath Safety Month, National Soup Month, Healthy Weight Week, and National Fresh Squeezed Juice Week. Gosh, I'm getting hungry. Tomorrow is Thesaurus Day, Thursday is Camcorder Day, and Friday is National Hugging Day^TM.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Revisiting IMMD

2011-01-14T21:43:00.002-05:00

Just because I need a little pick-me-up.

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REVISITING "IT MADE MY DAY"

My hubby was having trouble getting our cat off the laptop computer, not wanting to "disturb" her by picking her up. Usually she'll come when you call, but this time she was completely ignoring him ... until he promised to buy her a cheeseburger if she moved off the computer. Then she hopped right off! The best part? When my husband came home from work today, he had brought a cheeseburger for her, just as he promised! It Made My Day.

I have leukemia and just started losing my hair from the treatments. My little brother came home from school on Friday with a few of his friends. They had all shaved their heads! It made me cry, but It Made My Day.

I nanny for two very active boys, ages 7 and 10. While I normally love my job the longer hours spent with them over Christmas break were getting to me. I took them out for pizza and gave them each $2 for the attached arcade in hopes of getting ten minutes to myself. As I saw the boys using up their last tokens, I was a little sad that my quiet time was up. Just then the world's best waitress pulled two fistfuls of tokens from her apron and lay them on my table, saying, "Here, I'm tired of carrying these around." The extra thirty minutes of sanity Made My Day!

Today my direct supervisor got a promotion at work, but instead of accepting the small raise that went with it, she requested my boss give it to me, because I was her hardest worker and hadn't received a raise at all in 2009. It Made My Year!

My fiancé and I were standing in the kitchen, waiting to take the pizza out of the oven when it was done. He leaned down in front of the oven door and said, "Cooooooooook." Then, while still bent over, he turned to my seven-months along pregnant belly and said it again. We both cracked up and It Made Our Day.

When I was in Middle School, I was picked on and bullied by another girl in school. After moving away and finishing my studies, I got a job with the police force in my old home town. A short time later, the girl who had given me so much trouble back then was arrested on drug charges. I was the arresting officer. The look on her face when she realized who I was Made My Day.

[selected from It Made My Day.com]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: My wife has a milestone birthday coming up this year, so I'm going to start hanging out at http://www.freebirthdaytreats.com/. It's a website that lets you know which companies offer free and discounted items on your own personal holiday. A tip o'the Mark's Musings cap to Ms. Kim Komando.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

The Skunk

2011-01-13T11:07:00.002-05:00

Couple of blog-only updates this week as I am in the midst of creating my union paper, prepping for a band concert and migrating to a new PC at the same time. I am a multitasking champion.

While the folks at How Stuff Works took eight steps to get to it, they do tell you - should you ever find yourself in this situation - how to get the smell of skunk off of ya.

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Remember, the skunk is an animal of distinktion.

===

Did I tell you about the skunk who joined the Marines? It heard they were looking for a phew good men.

===

What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?

"Odor in the court!"

[sniffed out of Charlie's Chuckles, Ed's Laughter for a Saturday, and the Good Clean Funnies List]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life. And who is equal to such a task?" (2 Corinthians 2:15-16)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

New Computers and Thou

2011-01-12T23:32:00.002-05:00

Data?
Migrated.

Firefox Web Browser?
Downloaded.

E-Mail Software Installed?
Check.

Post Software Installed?
Uh-oh.

So. Yeah. Had a little trouble this evening. Nothing I can't fix, but not before midnight, so you get another day of fluff, stuff, and nonsense. I still have quite a bit of work ahead of me ... installing the external terabyte drive, doing a data dump to that, setting up backup routines, cleaning off the old PC, making sure everything continues to work like it's supposed to work throughout, and then finding the time to thoroughly enjoy the new setup.

I can't wait.

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I don't have Geico insurance, so I'm not shilling for them, but this particular commercial makes me laugh every time I see it.

Every. Time.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Windows

2011-01-11T20:07:00.006-05:00

Hey, everybody ... I'm in the midst of - finally - migrating to a new computer, so just the joke today. By this time tomorrow I will be knee deep in Windows 7.

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MICROSOFT WINDOWS'® ONE LINERS

Computers are a lot like air conditioners. They stop working properly if you open windows.

Tech Support: May I help you?
User: I'm running Windows...
Tech: Yes...
User: And my computer just stopped working...
Tech: Yes, you already said that...

Microsoft has broken Volkswagen's world record. That company only made 22 million Bugs.

Have you reinstalled your Windows today?

Apparently the word "Windows" was based on an old Native American root word that means "staring at an hourglass."

But the really nice thing about Windows is it doesn't just crash. It tells you and lets you click "OK" first.

[selected from noone.org]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all." (John F. Kennedy)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Funny Photo Filler

2011-01-10T23:23:00.005-05:00

Well, I ran out of energy and I'm just about out of day, so please once again accept my apologies and enjoy this picture, which I found on Craized.

I think the dog on the right is simply being used as a toothpick.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Banned Words, 2011

2011-01-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

It's time once again for the folks at Lake Superior State University to issue their list of words and phrases that have worn out their welcome in 2010, and should be "banned" from polite conversation.

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BANNED WORDS LIST, 2011

"Viral," in the sense that a funny or moving video posted by a website or on YouTube catches fire with the public's imagination and it is forwarded around the world faster than the flu on an airplane.

"Epic," of which overuse has reached epic proportions. [Side note: uh oh. We just bought our daughter the Samsung "Epic" cell phone for Christmas.]

"Fail." One commenter wrote, "Fail is not a noun. It is not an adjective. It is a verb. If this word is not banned, then this entire word banishment system is full of FAIL."

"Wow Factor" is said to be served up with a heaping of cliché and a side of irritation.

"Back Story" does not need to exist because we have a perfectly good word that we've used for years. The word is "history."

"BFF" is Best Friend Forever - or until the next big fight, whichever comes first.

"Man Up." It's not just overused, it's bullying and sexist.

"Mama Grizzlies," when used to describe conservative political women, instead of actual bears, should be put down.

"I'm Just Sayin'," is most often used to diffuse any ill feelings caused by a previous remark, but really, it's just repeating the obvious. [Second note: uh oh, again. I use this phrase on my website. I'm just sa----umm, never mind.]

[see the entire list at the Lake Superior State University website]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: See the above link.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Parking Ticket

2011-01-06T22:57:00.002-05:00

Wow, Wednesday just slipped right away from me here as I'm deep in prep work for a fundraising concert next week. So. It's Thursday.

There's a new $100 bill coming next month. Get to know it.

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The parking situation near my workplace downtown is just getting horrendous. My coworker came in the other day and said he had received a parking ticket for $100. But he was going to get a lawyer and fight it.

When he called the attorney's office, he was using his speakerphone so several of us were able to overhear the entire conversation.

The attorney said, "I've heard of a $10 ticket for parking, a $20 ticket for double-parking, and a $50 ticket for blocking a fire hydrant ... but where were you parked to get a $100 ticket?"

My coworker kind of sheepishly replied, "On top of another car."

[Syman Says via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth." (Psalm 100:1)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Post-Free Day

2011-01-05T22:44:00.003-05:00

I am plum wore out and overwhelmed.

And the New Year has just begun.

No post today.

The picture says it all.

Sorrysorrysorry.

Bad 2011 Start

2011-01-04T22:01:00.002-05:00

Are you one of those folks who like to stargaze? When I was younger, I very much enjoyed astronomy and would get to the planetarium as often as I could. That may be one reason I enjoy science fiction so much.

Well, thanks to NASA, you can now "save the dates" and catch the best meteor showers of 2011. (Scroll down to the "Quadrantids" to find the 2011 dates.)

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SIGNS YOUR 2011 ISN'T OFF TO A GOOD START

You've already gained 40 pounds.

Your midnight New Year's Eve smooch was through the bars of your local jail.

Your car is stuck under two feet of snow ... and three feet of garbage.

It's year eleven of living in that Y2K bunker.

2011 is both the year and your cholesterol level.

[selected, with some small edits, from Letterman's Top Ten List]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, and work like a dog." (Caroline Simon's advice to women)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Defensive Singing

2011-01-03T01:10:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone enjoyed 1-1-11. It's back to school for us here in North America! (And work, for that matter.)

Let's begin 2011 on a safe note. Consumer Reports has a safety blog that lists many items that have recently been recalled by their makers for one reason or another, including Lipitor and Rolaids.

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While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker, Susan, would often sing along with the radio while we filed paperwork or restocked the merchandise.

One night the manager decided to leave early and as he was walking out I expressed my concern to him about our safety -- us two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said with a wave of his hand. "If you see anyone who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

[Good Clean Funnies List]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Happy New Year! January is International Creativity Month, and National Skating Month. It is also, as you can well imagine, Diet Resolution Week, and possibly in a related way, it's Women's Self-Empowerment Week. And just to balance things out, today is National Chocolate-Covered Cherry Day. Recipes here. Thursday is Epiphany, and Friday is "I'm Not Going to Take it Anymore" Day.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

The Manslator

2011-01-02T17:21:00.002-05:00

My e-amigo Jim Smith posted this video on Facebook today.

It made me laugh right out loud, which makes it blog-worthy. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

New Year's Quotations

2010-12-31T16:11:00.003-05:00

This is it. The final page of our 2010 calendar. Some of you reading this have already moved into 2011, and those of us still here in the past year wish you well.

It's once again time for my annual report. On January 1, my list server e-mailed 568 copies of my Musings out to folks. Today I will electronically ship out 532. My hope is that my Facebook account and blog are making up for this drop, but I'm not yet up to speed on my Google Analytics to get those numbers.

You kind readers are located mostly in the U.S., but also in Nigeria, Australia, Iran, the United Kingdom, Singapore, Romania, Ireland, India, Canada, South Africa, Papua New Guinea, Belize, Finland, Germany, Malaysia, Thailand, New Zealand, the Philippines, Hong Kong, France, and those are just the countries I know about.

Whew.

I have no plans to make changes to what I do here in 2011, but I must warn you that the triple threat of the economy, my family's employment status, and the whims of Congress may force me to make some. I will keep you apprised, of course, as the situation unfolds.

As I've often said, the calendar - through the grace of God and whatever men or governments created it - gives us several times each year to put the past behind us and look forward with renewed hope to do better in life and vigor to accomplish new goals. January 1 is chief among those days. Your birthday is another. The end of the school year. The start of the school year. The first day of each season. You get the idea. My prayer is you take this opportunity to make a fresh start in whatever part of your life needs it, and may the best of this past year be the worst of your next year.

May God bless you, each and every one.

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NEW YEAR'S QUOTATIONS

"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go." (Brooks Atkinson)

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." (Bill Vaughan)

"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average ... which means you've met your New Year's resolution." (Jay Leno)

"My new year's resolution is to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." (James Agate)

"New Year's Day is every man's birthday." (Charles Lamb)

"New Year's Day. It is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." (Mark Twain)

"In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want." (Irish Toast)

[selected, with thanks, from about.com]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: The U.S. Forest Service is a part of the United States Department of Agriculture, which I did not know (I thought it was part of the Interior Dep't). They have begun an initiative to get ourselves and our kids away from our digital leashes at http://www.discovertheforest.org/. Lots of material for parents and activities for all are listed. I know for many it's winter, and a trek through the forest isn't high on your priorities, but bookmark this site and come back to it in the Spring.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Neighbors

2010-12-30T22:31:00.001-05:00

Time Magazine has identified Ten New Money-Saving websites for your use.

For you folks who do a lot of home improvement stuff, DiggersList would be the one to check out.

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We were staying at a lovely country resort and became friendly with the inn's handyman during our stay. Toward the end of the vacation, he confided that his neighbor had a nice little cottage for sale at a reasonable price, if we liked the area.

We did, so we went to have a look at it and just fell in love with it, despite its run-down appearance. We bought the place "as is."

The day after we moved in, our handyman friend and new neighbor dropped by with a housewarming gift.

"You got a good buy, that's for sure," he said, "but the place does need some work, though. The roof leaks, the plumbing's shot, and the well tends to run dry in the summer."

Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that *before* we bought it?"

"Weren't neighbors then," he replied.

[Da Mouse Tracks via Doc's Daily Chuckle]

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WISDOM for YOUR WEEK: "One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, 'Of all the commandments, which is the most important?' 'The most important one,' answered Jesus, 'is this: 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.' " (Mark 12:28-31)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Signs You've Overdone It

2010-12-29T22:52:00.003-05:00

So as we move inevitably closer to New Year's Day - Saturday, my friends - here are five questions to help you make better resolutions.

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SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE OVERDONE IT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking fresh paint.

You devote an afternoon to spending quality time in your bathroom.

You would rather chew tacks than go outside.

Your spouse whispers "Good morning" and you reply, "I'm not going to talk to you until you stop yelling."

[selected from guy-sports.com w/heavy edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WORD for YOUR WEEK: My daughter wanted to know why we get goosebumps and why do we use that name. The answer to the second part of her question is easy: apparently when you pluck all the feathers off a goose, the resultant fleshy part looks like tiny little bumps all across the skin from stem to stern. Any type of fowl, actually, looks like that. We might as well call them chickenbumps, or duckbumps, which is actually a bit more fun to say. As to the reason, well, eHow has a pretty decent explanation.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Notre Dame vs. MSU

2010-12-28T22:21:00.002-05:00

In the interest of time, just the joke today. Lots of links in yesterday's post.

This one's for all you football fans, as the season winds down and the playoffs approach.

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As a Catholic, I'm partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college football teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame play Michigan State.

"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.

"Gosh, I don't know," I replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."

[Robert A. Kozma in Reader's Digest Online]

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WORDS for YOUR WEEK: "Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings." (George F. Will)

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

Recession Resume

2010-12-27T21:52:00.003-05:00

I hope your Christmas was wonderful and you loaded up with many happy memories. My wife returned from her long Florida jaunt just over a week ago and all is well here. We spent an intimate little Christmas Day with just our kids, and it was marvelous.

As we begin to put the finishing touches on Year 2010, here are 21 tips for making 2011 even better. And just about every tip has one or more links to other sites, so this should make up for ALL those days I skipped issuing a link.

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WHAT TO PUT ON THAT RESUMÉ
After several months of unemployment

Negotiated long-term acquisition and consumption of Cocoa Krispies.

Broadened personal knowledge of Internet memes.

Led efforts to reduce fingernails to the quick.

Compiled a database of daytime television hosts' favorite filler words.

Contributed 40% of Inbox spam to my friends' accounts.

Performed hourly appraisals of Craigslist postings.

Spearheaded a campaign to generate new bathtub rings.

Developed and implemented a strategy to hide employment status from potential dating partners.

Executed seventeen feats of long-format cinema critique.

Became skilled in obtaining short-term micro-loans from complete strangers.

[selected from McSweeney's with edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]

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WELCOME to YOUR WEEK: Though I personally don't know anyone who celebrates it, even among my African-American friends, we are in the midst of Kwanzaa, which you can read more about here. You may be happy to know that there will be no "leap second" added this year, so your timepieces will remain startlingly accurate or disappointingly not so much. Enjoy New Year's Eve on Friday ... ring in the new year happily and with as much hope as you can muster.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.

With No Apologies to Clement Moore

2010-12-24T16:39:00.003-05:00

My daughter finished up her Segment I driver training yesterday, which means I have once again pretty much become a passenger in my own vehicle. All part of the parenthood process.

And I apologize for the spotty e-mails recently. I've been working on a couple of long, tough projects to finish before Christmas and by the time I remember I still have a post to write, it's 10:00 at night! So I've just been updating the blog here. Check down below to catch up on anything you may have missed.

Finally ... Merry Christmas!

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CHRISTMAS POEM
By Pastor Zachary Bartels

'Twas 750 years before Christmas and all throughout Judah
There were idols aplenty (of Baal, not Buddha)

The Assyrian Empire was everywhere feared
Led by Tiglath-Pilesar, whose name was quite weird

King Ahaz had buckled like the belt on my khakis
And the great nation Judah became boot-licking lackeys

They abandoned the covenant and the God who had made them
And looked to Egypt for help, which had been ... umm ... forbaden.

Their enemies were mean, they were kickers and spitters
So the people lost hope, like a bunch of lame quitters

The Devil was happy; he was pleased! He was winning!
With the king a big wimp and the people all sinning

And so, without hope, they gave in to these Gentiles
As Isaiah had prophesied, a couple of exiles

The south off to Babylon, the North to Assyria
('fore that massive Diaspora from Spain to Siberia)

Could there be hope again for this covenant people?
It seems the Old Testament's in need of a sequel

For 400 years, not a peep from a prophet
God withheld the big bomb, not quite ready to drop it

Then about A.D. 1, God said, "Now, let's get to it
And reverse the great curse that came down when they blew it"

The arrangements all made and the stage all prepared
The Virgin conceived and the census declared

And up in the heavens, God let loose with his Spirit
(He doesn't say "Ho ho ho" -- when He laughs you feel it)

"On Raphael, on Michael, on Uriel, on Gabriel
Operation Immanuel will kick off in a stable"

Salvation is coming; Satan's curse is deleted
The people redeemed and the devil defeated

Old Satan was cooked -- with potatoes and gravy
How horribly embarrassing -- to be trounced by a baby

So into the darkness was born a great light
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

[written by Pastor Zachary Bartels; used with his permission]

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WEBSITE of the WEEK: Trent Hamm writes a blog called "The Simple Dollar," as well as two books. Both book and blog contain very practical and down-to-earth advice on finances, and how to simplify your life. Today I'm highlighting his December series, called "Out with the Old, In with the New." Begin at the bottom of the page, read up, and when you get to the top, go back to the bottom and click "Newer Posts." Then do it again.

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Mark's Musings is available via an RSS Feed, a Facebook Note, the Amazon Kindle and via e-mail each weekday (usually). Subscriptions are free. ISSN 2154-9761.